Just wanting some clarification - please all reply

[Marko2020]

Okay so when I was first diagnosed with OCD when I was 15 I went through the lot , thinking I was gay, thinking I was a bad person, thoughts and pictures not going from my head as it happened on a horror film etc. 

Now once them stages kinda passed 15 years on I came to a new thing, I could only do things in even numbers so if I walked 3 steps it had to be 4 etc. Now how common is this and is that a rumination or giving in to OCD as I'm trying to write down things in my diary about things I need to work on and finding it hard. I don't want reassurance though as I know that's bad. I haven't had a bath or shower for 6 weeks now and hate water going over my head due to bullies who tried to drown me and I was a inch from my life before someone helped as they kept my head under every time I surfaced. 

I had a bad past and did things I'm not proud of and I get guilty over them a lot and I stop eating and try to concentrate on something else but it's still there and it affects my feelings as I cry and have panic attacks and flashbacks and always on edge when the door goes, thinking People are after me or looking at me etc. I had to drop uni etc as it's getting too much and I stay in most of the time now. Will this ever end. 

I keep having these weird sweats and shaking below my knees and round the back, like little tingles and when my mind goes they go as well. 

I constantly feel spaced out and the thoughts just sourround me and keep getting stronger and even days or weeks later they are still about. I want to sleep all the time and usually have 12 hours plus but can't sleep till about 2 or 3am

Edited February 26, 2017 by Marko2020

[Wonderer]

Hiya! Sounds like u may have some PTSD going on from being held underwater, on top of OCD I'm sure ur having a difficult time. Are u seeing a therapist? Have u done any CBT in the past? Xx

[Marko2020]

I just sent away my form about my illness to the cpn departments. I have had psychology for 10 years or more but only 5 sessions of cbt where it helped to stop the checking of light switches etc. 

[Wonderer]

I'm glad ur in the process of accessing help again, CBT should be ur main focus, make sure and push for it if it isn't the recommended treatment right away, the more of that u get, the better! In the mean time remember ur not alone in ur struggle and be as kind to yourself as u can xx

[Marko2020]

Thank you wonderer for replying. I'm trying to list my rituals etc and I'm sure this even thing is one of them. I didn't have OCD until I watched a certain horror film a year later and bang it all came on me and my mind was never the same 

[Wonderer]

Ur welcome mark, I know it's awful, sometimes a triggering even brings out our OCD, in ur case the horror movie, I've had many triggering events that have done that to me also. U will get ur mind back to how it was with the right help and determination! Xx

[PolarBear]

Your problems are not going to end until you take charge and start doing things differently.

There is nothing stopping you from taking a shower except fear. Those bullies have no control over you now. You're letting the fear of that moment in time control you but you could push past it and step into the shower, get clean and get out. That's the first step for you to take back control.

Doing things in even numbers, well you need to teach yourself not to count, because it doesn't matter.

[Marko2020]

So I finally managed to have a bath and full of anxiety now but still did it. 

I have another problem now, I got obsessed with emailing my tutor to sort out my temporary suspension of studies and now he wants to see me. I'm scared I get in trouble and put in jail etc. 

[PolarBear]

I think you're creating a lot of this, letting your mind generate unlikely scenarios that you them worry about and ruminate over. The more likely scenario is he just wants to talk to you to figure out what's going on.

[Marko2020]

That's the thing, I don't know why I would make up those scenarios, they have always been this bad and I've never learnt a way of controlling that. 

[Marko2020]

Well I have made some progress :), I have been taking regular baths and showers for the past few days and just push through it. I know it will take awhile to fix but it's a start.

im also out and up early today to sort out uni so decided a temporary suspended studies is best so I can heal. 

[PolarBear]

Excellent news Marko. Those are positive steps. Be proud of yourself.

[Marko2020]

Thanks polarbear, I'm going to stick with a shower every 2 days and push myself to keep going as I don't want this to ruin what's left of my life.

im writing out small achievable goals and going to eliminate them one by one as I'm talking every one at once just now and I'm sure that's what is causing all this flair up. Thanks for the support everyone I do appreciate it. 

[PolarBear]

And now you've got a plan moving forward. Well done. Take it easy and be kind to yourself.

[Marko2020]

Thanks polarbear

[Marko2020]

Just wondering if I'm doing this right.

so I've decided to challenge these thoughts and rituals when it comes to odd numbers.

now what I've done is purposely did things in 3's and left it at that, the anxiety etc is high but the thoughts seem to linger for longer and make me want to do it again but I don't.

is this the right approach?