Can someone tell me what this is please?

[Saz]

3 hours ago, gingerbreadgirl said:

Don't repeat this cycle yet again Saz:( For your sake and your young family's sake xx

Hi gbg.

which cycle? 

I just meant I understood caramooles comment about the thread being counter productive x

 

Edited March 14, 2017 by Saz

[gingerbreadgirl]

the cycle where you leave for a while then come back and start the whole process again x 

[Caramoole]

22 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I suppose you need to stop and ask yourself honestly, what are you looking for from the thread?  What is it you're wanting to take away from it?  I can only see one thing at the moment and that is the search for absolute certainty, and as explained many times......sadly you can't achieve that.  Maybe take a little time to question your motives for the thread(s)

Seriously Saz, I do want you to sit down and consider this question honestly.  When you post a thread or question it is for a reason, you need to be aware of the reason.

Was it for advice that you could apply to the problem?

Was it for reassurance, to find comfort?

Was it for another reason?

 

 

[Saz]

13 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Seriously Saz, I do want you to sit down and consider this question honestly.  When you post a thread or question it is for a reason, you need to be aware of the reason.

Was it for advice that you could apply to the problem?

Was it for reassurance, to find comfort?

Was it for another reason?

 

 

I post most of the time because I am scared to death and unfortunately I do seek reassurance and comfort. I'm not daft, I know this is very unhelpful but I feel desperate a lot of the time. Sometimes I post because I believe that I haven't told you everything or I haven't gone into enough detail and you need to know everything in order to decide if my false memory is really false! I want you to have a full picture of what it is that's troubling me and distressing me so much.

Caramoole I don't know what the 'another reason' could be that I would be posting for.

 

[Caramoole]

So....you've summed it up there.  You post to seek reassurance to try and bring your anxiety and distress down.  You post more detail to ensure we have the full picture so that we can reassure you that it is a "false" memory.

But.....you're not reassured, and won't be apart from (if you're lucky) for a very short time.

We've discussed how compulsions (of which reassurance seeking is a big one) doesn't help, how it actually makes things worse and helps to perpetuate the problem.  Hence you remain permanently in a state of distress.

So is it wise or helpful to carry on with this method of dealing with things, knowing it worsens he problem rather than helping?

[Saz]

19 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

So....you've summed it up there.  You post to seek reassurance to try and bring your anxiety and distress down.  You post more detail to ensure we have the full picture so that we can reassure you that it is a "false" memory.

But.....you're not reassured, and won't be apart from (if you're lucky) for a very short time.

We've discussed how compulsions (of which reassurance seeking is a big one) doesn't help, how it actually makes things worse and helps to perpetuate the problem.  Hence you remain permanently in a state of distress.

So is it wise or helpful to carry on with this method of dealing with things, knowing it worsens he problem rather than helping?

No its not wise or helpful 

[Saz]

I'm just so tired of it all

 

[Caramoole]

53 minutes ago, Saz said:

I'm just so tired of it all

So is it time to change how you deal with it, by working to reduce the compulsions that are maintaining it?

[PolarBear]

Saz, you do not need to give us more detail. It wouldn't change anything. Nothing you can say is going to convince us that this is anything but OCD. More detail won't change our minds. Explaining it in a different way won't change our minds.

[Saz]

15 hours ago, Caramoole said:

So is it time to change how you deal with it, by working to reduce the compulsions that are maintaining it?

Yes. My biggest compulsion is the internal dialogue I have with myself and actually my absolute lack of confidence in myself in general. Next I would say posting on here. I am torn because I do need your support because not really anybody knows about this or at least how it's really effected me. It's going to be so hard to undo the 'guilty' tag I have labelled myself with, the feeling that I'm bad or have done wrong is ingrained in me. 

14 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Saz, you do not need to give us more detail. It wouldn't change anything. Nothing you can say is going to convince us that this is anything but OCD. More detail won't change our minds. Explaining it in a different way won't change our minds.

Understood. Polar bear I meant to say to you that what you went through all those years sounds horrific! So glad your ok now and were able to see it was all just horrible thoughts.

[snowbear]

4 hours ago, Saz said:

It's going to be so hard to undo the 'guilty' tag I have labelled myself with, the feeling that I'm bad or have done wrong is ingrained in me. 

We've all been there, Saz. I'm willing to bet every single person here on the forum struggles with (or has struggled with) excessive guilt and the fear of being a bad person. But thinking like that is neither normal nor healthy, and it can be overcome. 

Letting go of that label, accepting you're no worse than any other human and have done no worse things than anybody else is a vital part of recovery. 

At least now you're talking about it in a way that shows you understand part of the problem is your self-inflicted guilt. This is progress!  

[Caramoole]

4 hours ago, Saz said:

My biggest compulsion is the internal dialogue I have with myself

 So that's where you begin to literally retrain yourself.  The original intrusive thought/fear was four years ago and ever since then you've spent your time going over and over it trying to remember, trying to work it out, trying to find certainty.  Much of it has become an habitual way of existing, thinking, thinking, ruminating......it isn't quite as automatic or beyond your control as you think, you are doing the thinking, you are creating the dialogue.  The OCD bit is the "urge" you get to think it through and the sense of anxiety and panic that happens when you don't.  You can begin to change this, it's not easy because you've become so used to doing it but you can change this cycle.  Forget the original fear for now (might as well because nothing can be changed) and start learning to spot the moment when your brain tries to pull you into ruminating.  Think, "that is the urge that I've got to try and resist doing".  Take your brain away onto something else, refuse to debate in your head.  The urge will strike again, harder and cause fear....again, think "This is OCD, this is what I've been told will happen and I'm not going to get into this debate, I can get through this, I know what it is"....and you keep resisting the urge, over and over again.  For the next couple of days work hard at trying to do this.  Be ready for it to cause anxiety.  Accept the urge will be strong but stick with it.  

We are here to help and support you  with that, not with reassurance but with tips and advice.  It's time to change this Saz

[PolarBear]

Saz, I went through he'll and for too long a time. I don't want you to wait 40 years to start your journey to recovery like I did. I don't want you to lay on your deathbed thinking, I'm so glad I spent all that time worrying.

[taurean]

7 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I went through he'll and for too long a time. I don't want you to wait 40 years to start your journey to recovery like I did.

This sums up exactly why you devote so much time and energy, Dave, to helping others here on the forums. 

It does you great credit, well done 

[PolarBear]

Thank you Roy.

[Saz]

On Wednesday, March 15, 2017 at 20:30, Caramoole said:

 So that's where you begin to literally retrain yourself.  The original intrusive thought/fear was four years ago and ever since then you've spent your time going over and over it trying to remember, trying to work it out, trying to find certainty.  Much of it has become an habitual way of existing, thinking, thinking, ruminating......it isn't quite as automatic or beyond your control as you think, you are doing the thinking, you are creating the dialogue.  The OCD bit is the "urge" you get to think it through and the sense of anxiety and panic that happens when you don't.  You can begin to change this, it's not easy because you've become so used to doing it but you can change this cycle.  Forget the original fear for now (might as well because nothing can be changed) and start learning to spot the moment when your brain tries to pull you into ruminating.  Think, "that is the urge that I've got to try and resist doing".  Take your brain away onto something else, refuse to debate in your head.  The urge will strike again, harder and cause fear....again, think "This is OCD, this is what I've been told will happen and I'm not going to get into this debate, I can get through this, I know what it is"....and you keep resisting the urge, over and over again.  For the next couple of days work hard at trying to do this.  Be ready for it to cause anxiety.  Accept the urge will be strong but stick with it.  

We are here to help and support you  with that, not with reassurance but with tips and advice.  It's time to change this Saz

Thank you and thank you everyone. 

Yep it's been tough, about 4 times yesterday I got caught off guard,  thoughts to do with my 'memory' just appeared in my mind and I just didn't allow myself to go there. I said to myslef that this is what you guys are talking about and I'm just to not to engage what so ever - so I didn't. 

I have my first night out coming up tomorrow and I don't want to go. I think part of me is naturally nervous because baby is still only young and im pretty tired but if I'm being honest a lot of it is to do with how this whole 'memory' thing had made me feel. It's like in was saying about the guilty tag I've gave myself, it makes me feel like I shouldn't go out and I don't deserve to. I think it might ruin my night. It's easy to say not to let it but it's hard to turn something around that's effected you for so long. Any suggestions as to how I can not let this spoil my first night out in so long? Just to add ages ago when I went into another forum (this was ages ago) I always remember one of the moderators telling off a new mum for going out, saying she shouldn't be drinking etc etc (the new mum had developed a cheating false memory). Hopefully you guys don't think that of me because I feel like after all this maybe I do deserve a break (as long as my false memory isn't real).

[snowbear]

Saz, well done for not engaging with the thoughts yesterday. Now go out and enjoy yourself! Of course you deserve a night out and to be happy doing it. 

How to stop the OCD thoughts spoiling it? Any time during the evening that you catch yourself feeling guilty, thinking that you don't deserve to be happy, or feel your mood dipping, force yourself to concentrate intently on what the people around you are talking about (instead of drifting off into your own thoughts.)

Stay in the moment. Set the past aside, act as if the future doesn't exist. 

Refuse to engage with the thoughts exactly as you did yesterday. The more you do it, the easier it gets. 

[Saz]

7 hours ago, snowbear said:

Saz, well done for not engaging with the thoughts yesterday. Now go out and enjoy yourself! Of course you deserve a night out and to be happy doing it. 

How to stop the OCD thoughts spoiling it? Any time during the evening that you catch yourself feeling guilty, thinking that you don't deserve to be happy, or feel your mood dipping, force yourself to concentrate intently on what the people around you are talking about (instead of drifting off into your own thoughts.)

Stay in the moment. Set the past aside, act as if the future doesn't exist. 

Refuse to engage with the thoughts exactly as you did yesterday. The more you do it, the easier it gets. 

Ok, thank you snowbear good advice. 

I have said that I need to get a good sleep tonight or else I won't go. It's in Liverpool and that's a good half hour away from my town, there is a minibus booked and I'm second to last drop off and we aren't getting picked up and taken home till very late. So feeling all anxious and stuff but I guess I could always leave earlier if I'm tired.  I know once I'm out I'll be fine. Just feel a bit guilty going out so soon when baby is little and I have 3 other little people who need me. My partner is minding the 3 eldest and my mum the baby so I know they are all in great hands. Just feel nervous. Started thinking stupid stuff already like what if somebody starts a fight with me and hurts me and my kids end up witout a mum (2 elest already lost there dad a few yeas back) ..bloody relentless this.  I'll switch off now though as things always seem much worse at night. I'll report in tomorrow and let you know the verdict. 

 

[Saz]

So that has to go down as one of the worst sleeps in history. I've got a bad headache now and feel terrible. Just want to cry! 

Being bombarded with a lovely thought/piece of memeory now that's making me literally want to throw up. I remember thinking when I was asking for reassurance a couple days after the wedding that why am I asking for reassurance because I know this horrible thought is real! So it was like I was just testing people to see of they knew it was definately real! What the hell! This isn't a new thought, I really felt this at the time. I'm not sure if it's because it just all felt so real. This thought has cane to me this morning. I don't get it and it's going to ruin my night out. I know it's sounds like ocd to you I bet but honestly it's too much. Like I'm I'm denial?

 

 

 

Edited March 18, 2017 by Saz

[taurean]

It is, purely and simply, another unwanted negative intrusive thought seeking to hook you back to that night. 

Just leave it be, don't connect with it. This is what to do with all these thoughts, new or old. 

Edited March 18, 2017 by taurean
amendment

[Caramoole]

This is where you put the work in Saz....over and over, pull it back, don't get drawn into the thinking cycle.  Your mind will drift into that pattern, you pull it back, again and again.  This sort of situation is going to push all your buttons, be ready for it.  Don't write the detail (that's just written rumination.

As Snowbear says, when you're out, concentrate....listen to what's being said, actively engage with people, notice your surroundings.  Do your best to have a nice evening

[Saz]

I ended up coming home early, had just 2 drinks . I just wasn't in the mood at all.  I shouldn't have gone out so soon after the baby, especially with all how I've been feeling lately with this. 

Caramoole that thought this morning really got to me. 

 

 

Edited March 19, 2017 by Saz

[Caramoole]

15 hours ago, Saz said:

Caramoole that thought this morning really got to me

It's got to you most days for the last 4 years......that's why it's time to change the way you deal with it.  The advice is the same as yesterday, you must start the process (repeatedly) of not entering into debate or internal conversation.

15 hours ago, Saz said:

 

I ended up coming home early, had just 2 drinks . I just wasn't in the mood at all.  I shouldn't have gone out so soon after the baby, especially with all how I've been feeling lately with this

 

Should you have come home? Probably not, and certainly not because of how you've been feeling lately.  That's a good reason for actually doing it, for facing the things you fear.  Walk towards fear rather than running in the opposite direction.  At least you did go, that's a positive

[Saz]

3 hours ago, Caramoole said:

It's got to you most days for the last 4 years......that's why it's time to change the way you deal with it.  The advice is the same as yesterday, you must start the process (repeatedly) of not entering into debate or internal conversation.

Should you have come home? Probably not, and certainly not because of how you've been feeling lately.  That's a good reason for actually doing it, for facing the things you fear.  Walk towards fear rather than running in the opposite direction.  At least you did go, that's a positive

Thanks. Yeah I guess I couldn't have gone at all (which I very nearly didn't). I just want to be carefree when im out, like I used to be. I did find myself just feeling like a total fraud when I was out and was unable to fully let my hair down.

I know I shouldn't have been engaging in my thoughts about this when I was out. To be honest I never used to be this bad over it all on a night out. I stopped myself from speaking to my friend about it (my friend is the one who's wedding it was) so I guess that's a tiny positive. I just felt truly horrible. 

When you guys here these stories in the media of people growing up and saying this and that happened to them years ago, do you not think that could apply to me and my situation? You are all so confident in me, I wonder if that somehow is making me feel worse if that makes any sense? I know what I mean when I say that. It's like when people say I'm a good mum, I feel like in don't deserve that title. X

 

[Caramoole]

3 minutes ago, Saz said:

When you guys here these stories in the media of people growing up and saying this and that happened to them years ago, do you not think that could apply to me and my situation?

 Sneaky......as they say in the news "No comment"

......it's a compulsion Saz, try and resist them