Confused parent

[Pol]

My child, who is now 24, was diagnosed 6 years ago with OCD and had a lot of treatment.  Recently she went to a therapist who helped her a lot in trying to manage the OCD and to live her own life.  This all unfortunately created tensions and she fell out very badly with my wife.  So much so that they do not have any contact at the moment.  I was taken aback by my wife's reaction and felt very strongly to support my daughter.  So all this has become a very difficult and challenging time for us.  My daughter can function ok and seems to have a much better grip on the OCD but whenever she goes downhill, I start to think I have to go there and help her out.  However, through all this, I have started to realise that this might not be the right way.  My wife believes that she has always tried to help her (which is true from her viewpoint), but I just wonder whether we have done overkill in actually not creating enough "breathing space" where my child can find her own way to develop the skills to manage this.  I just would like to ask if someone could give me some advice on this.  Many thanks

[snowbear]

Hi Pol, welcome to the forum.

From my own point of view (as a non-parent) I think 24 is an age when your daughter needs to stand on her own feet as much as possible. However, we all need support whatever our age, so it comes down to deciding for yourself whether you're being over-protective or offering the normal level of support one adult expects of another family member. 

OCD take and takes, and if someone is willing to pick up the pieces many sufferers are willing to let them rather than step up and sort it out themselves. Some people genuinely can't cope without an army of support to get them through the worst times, but for those who can cope when pushed to do so, I think it's good for their self-esteem and for developing coping skills to encourage them to help themselves.

It doesn't need to be all-or-nothing though. Perhaps you can make it clear to your daughter you are there to offer emotional support and a listening ear without necessarily running to do practical interventions at the drop of a hat. That way you're being a supportive parent while giving her the opportunity to take responsibility for herself as any 24-year-old should be able to do.  

[Pol]

Many thanks for your reply.  You are right, and that is what I am trying to do.  Unfortunately there are now very big differences in approach between me and my wife which has led to a temporary separation.  She believes that strict rules and consequences are what should be done, but for me you can have that for a child but you can't work with that when you are talking about adults - responsibility is the key I think.  And that is what my daughter actually does anyway, but my wife seems to have a blind spot for that, hence tension and frustration had built up.

 

[snowbear]

I agree with you Pol, the person taking responsibility is a much better approach. OCD itself often sets rigid rules with feared consequences, only not in a helpful way.  

[carolj]

Could I ask whether your daughter is also the daughter of your wife, as you refer to her as your daughter?  Im only asking because I have a partner and as understanding as he tries to be, he will never see it in the same way I do.

[Pol]

Thanks that was very helpul

[Pol]

Yes it is our daughter

[carolj]

Ah ok, just a different way of seeing things then.  I do know how you feel, my son is older than your daughter, but my first instinct is still to be there for him at every hurdle.  Really difficult to step back after so many years isn't it, but in the long run it has to be good for their independence.  Im sure she knows you are both there for her.