Stressed

[Gemzi3]

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist was saying how its just not going to be easy, and I have to sit with my feelings.

But I'm giving in my asking my partner for reassurance still.

We're getting carpet fitted today and they have lay it down halfway outside our front door, so its over the doorframe, which is covered in woodlice killer power!

And it's lying there! Half in and half out! So now I'm freaking out. All over my new carpet coming into my house.

I'm so annoyed between whats an ocd thought and if I should let the carpet people know?

It's really stresses me out.

[Wonderer]

Hi gemz, I don't have contamination fears, so personally I wouldn't even bat an eyelid at that, I'd not tell the carpet fitters. I just wouldn't be bothered. I think it's ur OCD making a big deal out of nothing xxx

[Gemzi3]

It's so difficult to know sometimes what's OCD isn't it ? 

 

As usual, it's not a concern for me, just more for anyone else that walks on the carpet, or the two carpet fitters, whom I feel I am now putting at risk.

[PolarBear]

You need to look at this current situation and compare it to all the other (many) OCD instances you had in the past. You feel like doing something out of anxiety. That's the clue that this is OCD at work and not a real concern. Remember that OCD lies, all the time. It never tells the truth. Every single time you have raised an issue here on the forum you have been told it's OCD and no real danger exists. If that's been true every time in the past, what is the likelihood that this time its OCD too?

[Gemzi3]

1 hour ago, PolarBear said:

You need to look at this current situation and compare it to all the other (many) OCD instances you had in the past. You feel like doing something out of anxiety. That's the clue that this is OCD at work and not a real concern. Remember that OCD lies, all the time. It never tells the truth. Every single time you have raised an issue here on the forum you have been told it's OCD and no real danger exists. If that's been true every time in the past, what is the likelihood that this time its OCD too?

I feel like it's likely OCD

 

It concerns me that this was feels like many of the others, yet the one about hitting myself and harming a baby  (because I thought I saw a faint positive line on a test) doesn't let up, like the others do.

Even now this carpet issue isn't as bad now I've been walking on it today etc but the other one remains ?

 

[Gemzi3]

My theapist said I have to step it up now. She doesnt think I trust the programme, which i true.

Today on the way to work I was meant to flash my lights at a driver who broke suddenly but I accidentally held down the windscreen washer with a motorbike behind me!

One of my nightmares as I worry he is now poisoned due to my mistake. 

I've got into work and I'm writing down after 5,10,15,20minutes 1hour, 2 hours etc how anxious I feel. I'm still engaging with the thoughts though, and posting here, asking for reassurance etc.

And still dealing with the thoughts in my post above, the chart can't help me with those ? 

[Franklin12]

You are Gemzi, and every time you come on here and ask for reasssurance someone will say 'it's just OCD' and off you go again until the next time. Your goal should be NOT having OCD. Not getting reassurance that your fears are OCD therefore not true. You goal should be accepting the existence of risk, and learning to cope with your feelings when something bad happens. 

[Gemzi3]

Accepting the risk of these thoughts makes me feel so depressed?

Accepting the risk I did kil a baby? It spirals me into depression ? x

[Franklin12]

Your fear of having killed a baby are an extreme result of your whole catastrophic and consequently risk averse thinking style. You need to address the whole rather than each specific episode. Did you read the recent post on mindfulness and catastrophic thinking posted yesterday? 

[Gemzi3]

I haven't read that one?

I do address each thought differently, I think because I place them on different levels.

The killing a baby is 10, the windscreen washer incident, a 7.  So smaller ones fade away eventually, the 10's do not.  

I tried mindfulness before, I got the book "Wherever you go, there you are" I think it was called but I struggled as I felt my mind was constantly going round and never focusing enough in the moment. 

[Franklin12]

The smaller ones probably fade because they don't frighten you enough for you to bother engaging with them for long. You get distracted from them more easily, or they quickly get proved false. The baby one frightens you a lot, and it's not one that will just be proved wrong by other means. You need to start being proactive with the smaller ones to actually learn the techniques and thinking patterns you need to deal with all of life.

[Gemzi3]

I kind of feel like I could use OCD for everything by this logic.

When exactly if I have made mistakes then its my fault, not ocd?

I hate the fact I hit myself in the stomach, did that kill a baby? What would I even carry that out? I dunno what possessed me to do such an evil thing

[PolarBear]

Your problem with this, Gemzi, is that you keep going over it in your mind. That's ruminating, it's a compulsion, and it just keeps you stuck. You keep asking these what if questions that there is no answer to. So you go round and round and feel terrible in the process. What you need to learn is that there is another alternative: forget about it, dismiss it, set it aside and decide to live your life without knowing the final answer. That's the way to get unstuck.

[Franklin12]

When you make a mistake it is your fault, and you have to fully admit it to yourself, feel bad for a bit, and then move on. What you are doing, or rather what your OCD is doing, is making up non-existent mistakes, and most of all imaging all kinds of wildly implausible mistakes, so that you can guard against ever being responsible for making a mistake and having to feel bad about it.

[Gemzi3]

Thanks guys,

 

I need to believe in the therapy

 

This week I have to go to a supermarket, take a bit of fruit, put it on the floor, pick it up and put it back without buying it. To test my hyperesponsibility. I'm nervous about doing that, but I also understand by doing that it's good exposure. Fingers crossed I'll have the courage to do it.

 

I just don't really seem to believe yet how this will help my past thoughts that still upset me? 

[PolarBear]

One step at a time, Gemzi. 

[snowbear]

On 10/03/2017 at 15:15, Gemzi3 said:

Accepting the risk of these thoughts makes me feel so depressed?

This is understandable, but doesn't have to be inevitable. 

Nature's response to finding yourself powerless in a threatening situation is to withdraw from the conflict and feel depressed. However, you can overcome this 'natural' depression by changing how you think about the situation. 

 

Your current internal dialogue probably runs along the lines of: 'This is making me a bad person, this feels so wrong, these things I'm having to do are lowering my personal standards...'  

You're interpreting the threat you face as the exposures/challenges you're being asked to do. 

In that context, naturally it feels as if you're going against everything you stand for, everything that defines you, no wonder you feel powerless and depressed!

Change the perceived threat to the compulsions and you put yourself on the other side of the battle lines.

Now you're calling the shots - no powerless victim mentality, no depression. You're harnessing nature's natural response to being the imminent victor in battle. Every exposure you succeed at doing makes you more powerful, more invincible - makes you a better person in your own mind, not a worse one. 

 

Part of the problem is your current definition of a good person - you insist that a good person must never drop their standards, never falter, never make a mistake, never do anything that might even potentially cause harm.

How you're defining 'good' makes it impossible for you to be a good person, no matter how hard you try. 

What you need to get your head around is that this definition of 'good' has been conjured up by your imagination, it's not a reality or a truth you dare not defy. 

You're free to change your definition of what makes a good person any time you want. And indeed, if you want to recover from your OCD you'll have to alter this unattainable definition to something more realistic. Something that allows you to maintain your moral values without going overboard and insisting on perfection beyond sainthood with every heartbeat. 

Accept that a good person doesn't do compulsions, doesn't have an over-inflated ego that says they are responsible for the whole world, doesn't beat themselves up for their mistakes but learns from them and moves forward by doing their best.

Again, this simple change in thinking puts you on the winning side, it enables you to achieve your goal with relative comfort instead of struggling through treacle trying to go against your very nature. 

And all it requires is a slight shift in thinking so you correctly identify the threat you face and interpret 'a good person' more realistically.  

That's cognitive 'therapy'. (Also known as common sense!) 

[Gemzi3]

Thank you.

 

My therapist said i was doing well.

I put a lemon on the floor in a supermarket, then put it back and didnt buy it. 

We also ran a survey with questions i made to see other peoples responses which too was interesting to see.

Funny how i never used to have contamination type worries. It was the worry of being pregnant that started it all off so many years ago.

Ive to continue with my erp but i feel like it would be in vain if i cant get over hitting myself.

Like snowbear mentioned my therapist wondered if i should have compassion thearpy after this erp?

I need to shift my thinking. I do. But part of me still thinks i deserve nothing for what i done

[PolarBear]

Gemzi, just remember that you are punishing yourself just in case you did something bad, even though you have absolutely no evidence that you did and you will never have that evidence.

What would you say to a dear relative or friend going through the same thing? Would you advise them to keep on punishing themselves just in case?

[Gemzi3]

23 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Gemzi, just remember that you are punishing yourself just in case you did something bad, even though you have absolutely no evidence that you did and you will never have that evidence.

What would you say to a dear relative or friend going through the same thing? Would you advise them to keep on punishing themselves just in case?

Nope. But that what if, however slight is strong.

Its the fact it was a physical action that worries me. Something so wrong and violent. Keep wondering if i saw two lines on a test who would do sometning like that?

I feel so horrible whenever i think about it.

[PolarBear]

I know the what if is strong. It comes from OCD, which confuses you and makes you second guess yourself. You can put it behind you. Just as you put faith in the what if right now, you can choose to put faith in the thought that you did nothing wrong. It's a choice. With that choice comes not punishing yourself and living your life free from the OCD.

[Gemzi3]

16 hours ago, PolarBear said:

I know the what if is strong. It comes from OCD, which confuses you and makes you second guess yourself. You can put it behind you. Just as you put faith in the what if right now, you can choose to put faith in the thought that you did nothing wrong. It's a choice. With that choice comes not punishing yourself and living your life free from the OCD.

"you can choose to put faith in the thought that you did nothing wrong"

Hitting yourself in the stomach potentially killing a baby is wrong, regardless of my ocd.

Maybe thats what I can't get over?

It's not like if I thought I was pregnant I would have done it, I think it was more to get my period to hurry up. I can't remember anymore the details it goes all fuzzy. I feel like if I told someone this you could go to prison. It would be murder.

I struggle with that badly. I can see that I clearly wasn't well to do such a compulsion, but I dont think that means forgiveness for such a horrible thing.

[PolarBear]

But it may not be a horrible thing. You simply don't know. But you're willing to punish yourself just in case you did something wrong.

[Gemzi3]

22 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

But it may not be a horrible thing. You simply don't know. But you're willing to punish yourself just in case you did something wrong.

That's always a horrible thing. Not something a normal person would do.

I can accept I was young and not well but I can't accept the thought of killing a baby.

Feel like my other OCD progress goes to waste when I think about this.

[PolarBear]

You're not taking in what I'm saying. You don't know if there was a baby. You will never know. But you're willing to punish yourself just in case. You're punishing yoursrlf on the off chance you did something wrong, not because you know you did something wrong.