Advice. Had some weed. Don't know if I'm being paranoid.

[Running Lover]

I decided to try some weed on Saturday evening I've been so incredibly anxious lately I thought it was worth a try. I smoked a little too much looking back I realise that now. All day today I've felt my anxiety is so much worse I won't be doing it again. Anyway to cut a long story short a friend of our family ( I don't actually know ) came in to agency I work at unbeknown to me (until today) a few weeks ago. There are a couple of guys I work with that I get along really well with, we have good fun, constantly wind each other up etc. For some reason I feel like the man (family friend) had seen me larking about with my work colleagues for example pulling faces when I walk past them. I keep thinking he will tell the family I was flirting and maybe think something is going on at work. I love my partner immensely and I have put him through so much these last couple of years. I feel I want to be honest but I can't decide if I'm being irrational. I have worried myself in the past about the realationship I have with the men at work as I constantly monitor my behaviour around them as we have to spend a lot of time together in my line of work. I question my actions a lot so this has made it worse. 

[snowbear]

So you tried weed. Not your most intelligent decision. But everyone is entitled to make mistakes and learn the hard way.  What's done is done and there's no point in dwelling on it.   Like you say, you'll know better next time.

Now you must deal with the increased anxiety, uncertainty and intensified intrusive thoughts which have resulted from your choice. 

The good news is you can simply put these thoughts down to being 'out of your head and out of touch with reality' and dismiss them as an exaggerated form of OCD's usual unrealistic thinking. Stop ruminating on your relationships with men at work and looking for meaning where none exists. 

[Running Lover]

I know what you mean. I'm not going to hang myself for trying weed I'm a middle aged woman and was feeing pretty desperate for relief. Never mind a mistake made. I am wondering if I should allow myself a day next week to think about it because I have been thinking a lot about it lately anyway. I seem to struggle with friendships with the opposite sex which is crazy because I kind of like male company. I'm particularly friendly with one of the men I work with because we got on so well have same sense of humour, music etc but it freaks me out quite a lot to be honest. A few months back I was having a meeting which was very informal at a restaurant and I knew he was going out and I couldn't relax thinking I might see him. This scares me because I absolutely don't want to have feelings for him I love my partner but I can't understand why I get so freaked out around men. 

Edited March 12, 2017 by Liberty

[snowbear]

29 minutes ago, Liberty said:

I am wondering if I should allow myself a day next week to think about it because I have been thinking a lot about it lately anyway.

Let me just check I heard you correctly.  

You've been ruminating on this a lot already, so you think it would be a good idea to devote a whole day to further compulsive ruminations????

Tell me I read that wrong!!!!

Otherwise I may need a lie down to recover from the shock!  

[Running Lover]

Yes. I mean a day when the after effects of the weed are gone and I can think straight. 

[snowbear]

Liberty, forget the weed. Don't let guilt at having experimented become an excuse to do compulsions. 

It's not weed that's muddled your thinking if you can't see that indulging yourself with a day of ruminations is the worst possible thing you could do. That's OCD thinking, trying to convince you that doing compulsions will solve the problem.

That's your OCD jailer tricking you into staying locked in your cell. It's you treating OCD like a king to be worshipped instead of kicking it into the gutter where it belongs.

Thinking about this is going to make you feel worse, not better. The more time you spend thinking about your worries, the more credence you give their nonsense. 

The way to overcome OCD thoughts is to ignore them, to starve them of attention. Get your mind onto other things and refuse to think any more about this no matter how much it tries to tempt to back. 

[Running Lover]

Hi that's great advice and I have really tried very hard at work today and got through the day which is great. However..... I still have a burning desire to try and sort out if I have an attraction to someone and if so would I cheat. Now I get the part that some of it is OCD however I feel if I don't think about it and shrug it off I might do something terrible 

[PolarBear]

You have to resist the urge to sit there and figure it all out. One, because it's a compulsion and will only keep you stuck. Two, because you won't figure anything out. You'll just go round and round in your head without coming up with a definitive answer. Resist.

[snowbear]

4 hours ago, Liberty said:

I feel if I don't think about it and shrug it off I might do something terrible 

That's treating the ruminating process like a suit of armour, trying to protect yourself from your own bad thoughts. 

It's magical thinking - same as somebody believing if they say a prayer ten times it will stop them doing a bad thing. 

'Burning desire' is a good way to describe OCD compulsions. If the desire wasn't so intense it would be easier to resist. Stay determined not to give in to the desire to 'sort things out' in your head. You can't, and trying just makes the desire stronger - it's like bashing your head on a wall to make a headache go away.