In Love and Scared

[cutebunny]

So I've already mentioned how much i'm in love with this guy i met at a class party back in december. I haven't seen him since then but 2 weeks ago he crossed my mind and I found him on facebook. Seeing his posts and realizing how similar we are, i fell in love with him even more.

 

I sent him a friendship request on wednesday but he is yet to accept it. Though he hasn't posted anything since tuesday so I still have hopes. But what if he never accepts it? How will I get over him? Do I want to get over him? What if he's not straight? What if he's taken? Then, what if I hurt him or his partner? I am so scared and physically in a stressed condition right now, I am literally re-typing all my words because my hands are shaking. PLEASE help me

[Ashley]

Hi,

Do you think these are all OCD related questions or just general life questions?  So what if he doesn't accept it, you will move on with your life and find someone else, no?

[cutebunny]

I don't know, all these are giving me physical symptoms OCD does. I will be so sad to move on because he's like the guy I am looking for, we have the same interests and he's not a racist and homophobic douchebag like most boys around me

[snowbear]

1 hour ago, cutebunny said:

Seeing his posts and realizing how similar we are, i fell in love with him even more.

Cutebunny, I don't know how old you are and maybe youth and inexperience play a part here, but you don't fall in love with someone based on what you've seen and read about them. That's infatuation.

You fall in love when you get to know someone, interact with them, talk to them, laugh with them. You fall in love when the other person enjoys your company, when he enjoys making you laugh, when he demonstrates kindness and affection towards you. Love can't occur just by projecting your imagination onto someone else.

Your feelings just now may be intense, may seem very real, but until you've spent time with this guy as a friend and experienced some warmth in return all you have is feelings based on imaginary encounters, an imagined friendship where none exists.

I think it's hard to separate them in this instance so here's my life advice / OCD advice: -

Wait to see if he responds to your friend request. If no reply arrives within a few days, move on and forget him. Don't badger him, think about him or continue to follow his activities in secret. Let it go and find new interests, other friends to spend real time with instead of devoting yourself to imaginary encounters and unfulfilled hopes.

Resist the urge to log in to social media more than once a day, or to repeatedly read his profile while waiting for his response - this is compulsive behaviour. 

If you are prone to developing this sort of infatuation/ crush as part of your OCD then it may be an indication you are lacking a satisfactory social life. Consider remedying that with new social activities, preferably as part of a group where the emphasis is on friendship, mutual support and having fun rather than directed at possible romances.

[cutebunny]

^^ Thanks for your replies

Also, my mom said the exact same thing as you snowbear, she said i can't know i'm in love with him because we have barely even spoken. 

I suck at lovelife,  i have experienced relationship but i'm still so naive i guess.

I think i need to focus on my future more instead of this. Which I never do. Or I should interact with my friends more.

My fear is that what if i never forget him? What if we are true for each other? and all that goes with it. i want a healthy relationship, i really do. I want to have a family with a nice man. I'm only 21 but i'm afraid of not finding that person. Maybe that's why I am so obsessed with him.

[snowbear]

6 minutes ago, cutebunny said:

My fear is that what if i never forget him? What if we are true for each other?

These are OCD thoughts. The usual nonsense OCD throws up to keep you doing compulsions. Ignore them. 

The first step to a healthy relationship is to make yourself suitable to be somebody else's partner. Concentrate on broadening your horizons, making friends, learning and practising good social skills and developing personal interests. 

Do that and the right person will find you. Potential partners will be queued up wanting to be a part of this wonderful, interesting, fun person's life.  

The two biggest mistakes people make when looking for a partner is to think there is only one 'right' person in the world (there are thousands of potentially ideal partners out there for each of us) and to go looking instead of making themselves the place to be, the person to be around. 

OCD will latch onto whatever you fear.

Change your focus from the unattractive 'needy romantic' outlook to personal growth and being a happy person and OCD will have nothing to latch onto. 

[cutebunny]

This is so true, i have compulsive thoughts about not forgetting him and even harming others because of that when these are almost non correlated. 

 

Yeah, i kind of believe in fairytales so I do think only one person is the one and love at first sight is real. Not really reasonable.

 

i will try to be more social from now on. And gonna try to focus on my classes even though i have adhd too. Thanks so much

[Rucker]

Hi

I agree with the comments above.  You like the sound of this guy 'on paper' and what you see fits what you would like.  But I've found that when not knowing all the facts I manipulate them to fit what I desire, especially in a relationship, but the reality is most often different... so finding out more and chilling out is key.

That's nothing new, even those of us who are getting older, even those without OCD, can idolise someone that they see as being what they desire etc.  Nothing wrong with that, it is normal.  But OCD keeps thouse thoughts going round and around.

This guy might be perfect, but he might not be also.  Meeting him at a party, and seeing what he is into is enough to make you think you would be interested to to find out more ... go for a coffee etc etc but you need to take it slow and not blindly jump into things and see what develps when you meet someone who you might like.

Best wishes

[cutebunny]

On 20.03.2017 at 00:59, Rucker said:

Hi

I agree with the comments above.  You like the sound of this guy 'on paper' and what you see fits what you would like.  But I've found that when not knowing all the facts I manipulate them to fit what I desire, especially in a relationship, but the reality is most often different... so finding out more and chilling out is key.

That's nothing new, even those of us who are getting older, even those without OCD, can idolise someone that they see as being what they desire etc.  Nothing wrong with that, it is normal.  But OCD keeps thouse thoughts going round and around.

This guy might be perfect, but he might not be also.  Meeting him at a party, and seeing what he is into is enough to make you think you would be interested to to find out more ... go for a coffee etc etc but you need to take it slow and not blindly jump into things and see what develps when you meet someone who you might like.

Best wishes

thank you so much, i saw this earlier but couldn't reply because i was on my phone. whenever the intrusive thought came i thought ''it's just on paper''

 

and an update: i messaged him and he replied back, we will be meeting soon

 

i'm not head over heels for him right now but i'm really happy he accepted. Thanks everyone