I just can't stand these sick thoughts

[runawaythoughts]

Hi there, 

 

I'm really struggling right now and I just literally feel so sick to the gut about my thoughts. 

 

I've had OCD and intrusive thoughts for as long as I can remember and around all sorts of topics. One that started when I was at uni was around children. I think it stemmed from wondering how people could be pedophiles and that got my mind thinking about what they did and how they could due it, and this just led to a whole barrage of disturbing thoughts that I just hate.  I've had this on and off for years,and just tried to deal with it by ignoring the thoughts. My OCD as a whole has been sparked lately, and its flooding back all the things I used to think off, and re live those thoughts. 

 

But one that has just stood out and I can't shake, I just feel so sick about this, is I remember a few years ago, I was holding a piece of foam which has little indents in it - it was like a miniature egg cup. At the time, I had been having thoughts around POCD, and I remember pushing my finger into an indent and thinking, omg is that what its like to insert a finger into a childs ...you know what. I felt so disgusted, and I think in a way it was my mind trying to show me that it was just so stupid and that I wouldn't actually ever do this. But I'm just remember that and I feel truly so sick, that I just think I am such a disgusting human being who doesn't deserve to live. 

 

I really don't know how to cope right now with all this, I just want to curl up and die right now and some of you may think that I should just go jump off a bridge or something. 

[Unsurechap]

PLease give yourself a break. A thought doesnt mean you want to act on it, its just a thought that passes through your mind. Yours fears are a common ocd fear, and one that i have had rewcently as well. You feel disgusted with yourself which is because you dont like the thought, but you just need to let it pass safe in the knowledge that everybody has weird thoughts from time to time, the difference is how you attend to them or how much significance which you give them.

[runawaythoughts]

40 minutes ago, Unsurechap said:

PLease give yourself a break. A thought doesnt mean you want to act on it, its just a thought that passes through your mind. Yours fears are a common ocd fear, and one that i have had rewcently as well. You feel disgusted with yourself which is because you dont like the thought, but you just need to let it pass safe in the knowledge that everybody has weird thoughts from time to time, the difference is how you attend to them or how much significance which you give them.

Hey, 

 

Thanks for taking the time to reply to my post, I've honestly felt so suicidal all morning. I think the thing that got me was that I was doing something physical - sticking my finger in some foam almost as if imitating fingering genitalia. And so, it was the repulsion that I was doing that with the thoughts in my head (even though this happened a few years ago, I just remembered it and just still can't get over it). It just makes me feel so ill I did that. I know I would never actually do this to a child in anyway, I would run a mile from such a thing or just hurt myself so I couldn't do it, I do even have any intention to actually ever do it to a child. 

 

[Unsurechap]

I believe you. Believe in yourself that you may not be in control of your thoughts, but always in control of your actions. 

[PolarBear]

No one here is going to tell you to jump off a bridge. We've heard it all and then some.

This is just OCD. You had an intrusive thought and it caused you distress. Guaranteed the reason it keeps coming back is that you attached meaning to the thought and did compulsions.

Understand that it was just an intrusive thought. It wad meaningless brain noise that you can safely dismiss. You don't have to hang onto it. You can let it go and forget about it.

Figure out what compulsions you are doing. Likely it's ruminating. Refuse to get into mind debates over this truly minor thing. 

[Draven1]

Hello

I have had similar instrusive experiences regarding child sex abuse and it was the most horrendous thing to go through. I too felt suicidal and had begun planning in my head how to kill myself as I too felt I didn't deserve to live. Although a common ocd theme, the knowledge of this doesn't make it any easier when experiencing the terrifying intrusive thoughts. 

The more you check and the more you ruminate the worse it will become. It was around 2 years ago that I suffered with these intrusive thoughts and my recovery was down to reading blogs and forums,  understanding that I was not alone and thinking of how my brain works in a more scientific way. Talking to a psychiatrist about my intrusive thoughts and ruminations has been a big stepping stone to recovery albeit very scary to begin with as it is a difficult thing to voice.

You have ocd. If you wanted to carry out the things you think about you would not be feeling the way you feel right now, you would not be distressed or feeling suicidal. You do deserve to be here and you are not alone. 

Draven1

[Caramoole]

On 24/03/2017 at 11:44, runawaythoughts said:

I was doing something physical - sticking my finger in some foam

Yep, you were sticking your finger in foam.  I pop bubble wrap, that doesn't mean I want to attack teenagers and forcibly squeeze their spots.  I haven't made a connection in my brain about bubble wrap, so don't have recurrent intrusive thoughts about it.  You set up that connection from a brief observation/sensation.

On 24/03/2017 at 15:26, PolarBear said:

You had an intrusive thought and it caused you distress

The initial thought probably wasn't even an intrusive thought as such, merely a normal thought/observation that our brains make all of the time.

Our brains are observing, thinking, weighing-up situations every single second.  Thoughts flit through so quickly we're largely unaware of them, particularly the amount of them that we have every day.  Our brains analyse information and dangers etc.  You stand on a train platform near the edge, brain looks at the situation and thinks " You're too close, what if you tripped, what if you jumped, what if you pushed someone else onto the tracks?"  Our brain is simply observing, weighing up all the possible dangers and usually filtering them through seamlessly.  As you walk about you may think "She looks smart, I love that coat, hate his hair, that child's a brat, he's fat", again simply noticing and assessing things around us.  The same is true with things and sensations, "That potato looks like a pair of boobs, this bath gel feels like custard, this grassy bank feels like a soft duvet, this concrete is hard, you might stick your finger in a hole drilled in a brick wall",  "That's hot, that's freezing, that smells, that's soft" All normal things that happen hundreds of times a day.  Stand in a shopping centre and every person around you is thinking variations of these things according to what they're doing and what's going on around them.  To a non-sufferer they come they go.  To a sufferer they may think:

"Why did I think that, what if I pushed someone in front of the train?  I must be dangerous and insane"

"What if I blurted out "you're fat and ugly"? I can't be around other people in case I lose control"

"Why am I thinking about breasts, what if I'm a sex fiend and groped women in the office?"

You could have had a piece of foam with an indentation 2" across and thought, "That would make a good egg cup".......you didn't, you had foam with small indentations and as described, your brain is assessing and evaluating what you see and feel.  You think tiny, soft and because of your previous worries "Wham", your brain pulls out the connection it did, nothing more.  On another day or to another person the brain could have said "You could balance Cadbury's Mini Eggs in those holes"  

Because your brain homed in on and noticed a thought about a child you went into Thought/Action/Fusion mode, where you had the thought at the same time as (naturally) sticking your finger in the foam.  You fused the two together and came up with the fear that you must be a depraved paedophile.  WRONG!!  You had a thought that repulsed you, that frightened you, that (because of the attention you gave it) won't go away and now plagues you.  Had you had the Mini Eggs thought it would have long gone.

Your anguish is because of the attention you put upon it.  Because of the things you probably do to make the thought go away.  Things we call compulsions.  These might include thinking about and going over it all the time (rumination).  Asking others for reassurance that you're not mad.  Avoiding anything to do with children, not being near them alone, avoiding schools or parks, not looking at kids on TV or in magazines. 

Firstly you have to try and identify a list of all the things you do to try and stop this thought and behaviours associated with or because of it.  Once you have worked out what controlling behaviours (compulsions) you do to prevent or bring down anxiety, then you have to work at reducing these behaviours.

Does that make sense?

[stopthinking]

This is really helpfully caramoole.

A terrific way of explaining the cognitive side of things. My question to you now would be is it the same connection for a groinal response. Does the brain connect the taboo of sex without realising ones having an intrusive thought and come up with this response or in some cases has one checking if they are aroused sending them into panic mode when really it's the brain just doing its job?

Also I have had similar scenarios to runawaythoughts original post so I can relate to your ordeal. 

 

[runawaythoughts]

On 28/03/2017 at 15:34, Caramoole said:

Yep, you were sticking your finger in foam.  I pop bubble wrap, that doesn't mean I want to attack teenagers and forcibly squeeze their spots.  I haven't made a connection in my brain about bubble wrap, so don't have recurrent intrusive thoughts about it.  You set up that connection from a brief observation/sensation.

The initial thought probably wasn't even an intrusive thought as such, merely a normal thought/observation that our brains make all of the time.

Our brains are observing, thinking, weighing-up situations every single second.  Thoughts flit through so quickly we're largely unaware of them, particularly the amount of them that we have every day.  Our brains analyse information and dangers etc.  You stand on a train platform near the edge, brain looks at the situation and thinks " You're too close, what if you tripped, what if you jumped, what if you pushed someone else onto the tracks?"  Our brain is simply observing, weighing up all the possible dangers and usually filtering them through seamlessly.  As you walk about you may think "She looks smart, I love that coat, hate his hair, that child's a brat, he's fat", again simply noticing and assessing things around us.  The same is true with things and sensations, "That potato looks like a pair of boobs, this bath gel feels like custard, this grassy bank feels like a soft duvet, this concrete is hard, you might stick your finger in a hole drilled in a brick wall",  "That's hot, that's freezing, that smells, that's soft" All normal things that happen hundreds of times a day.  Stand in a shopping centre and every person around you is thinking variations of these things according to what they're doing and what's going on around them.  To a non-sufferer they come they go.  To a sufferer they may think:

"Why did I think that, what if I pushed someone in front of the train?  I must be dangerous and insane"

"What if I blurted out "you're fat and ugly"? I can't be around other people in case I lose control"

"Why am I thinking about breasts, what if I'm a sex fiend and groped women in the office?"

You could have had a piece of foam with an indentation 2" across and thought, "That would make a good egg cup".......you didn't, you had foam with small indentations and as described, your brain is assessing and evaluating what you see and feel.  You think tiny, soft and because of your previous worries "Wham", your brain pulls out the connection it did, nothing more.  On another day or to another person the brain could have said "You could balance Cadbury's Mini Eggs in those holes"  

Because your brain homed in on and noticed a thought about a child you went into Thought/Action/Fusion mode, where you had the thought at the same time as (naturally) sticking your finger in the foam.  You fused the two together and came up with the fear that you must be a depraved paedophile.  WRONG!!  You had a thought that repulsed you, that frightened you, that (because of the attention you gave it) won't go away and now plagues you.  Had you had the Mini Eggs thought it would have long gone.

Your anguish is because of the attention you put upon it.  Because of the things you probably do to make the thought go away.  Things we call compulsions.  These might include thinking about and going over it all the time (rumination).  Asking others for reassurance that you're not mad.  Avoiding anything to do with children, not being near them alone, avoiding schools or parks, not looking at kids on TV or in magazines. 

Firstly you have to try and identify a list of all the things you do to try and stop this thought and behaviours associated with or because of it.  Once you have worked out what controlling behaviours (compulsions) you do to prevent or bring down anxiety, then you have to work at reducing these behaviours.

Does that make sense?

Hi Caramoole

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write out your reply, I appreciate all of your words and your insight and its definitely given me a new way of thinking about things. I think what still haunts me is what did I do first? Did I have a thought that "this foam looks like a child's genitalia" and then I put my finger in to see if this is what it must feel like, or did i put my finger in because it was a weird sensation and then had the thought, and what scares me the most is that it was the former that happened first.

 

I remember that at the time (as this happened a while ago) I was constantly being plagued by such thoughts, and I thought, well if I just tick my finger in pretending it is a child's groin area, then I can just determine if I'm a P and be done with all these thoughts. However, as soon as I did this, I felt sick and revolted, but I think I'm also haunted by the fact that it wasn't just a thought - there was the physical act of using my fingers. 

 

I try and take comfort from what I have read, that being disgusted by such thoughts means I'm not a p, and as I've said before I would run a mile, or cut my hands off before I did anything to a child, but ever since I did this with the foam I keep hating myself. Its just made me feel like I'm such a bad person. 

 

 

[Guest OCDhavenobrain]

You cant control the thougths, and it doesn't really matter what the thought is. aDifferent sufferer can all feel the same painful dreadful and hellful anxiety, whatever the thoughts happens to be.

Attack the thought and you have the recipe for lasting OCD

Edited April 3, 2017 by OCDhavenobrain

[PolarBear]

1 hour ago, runawaythoughts said:

Hi Caramoole

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to write out your reply, I appreciate all of your words and your insight and its definitely given me a new way of thinking about things. I think what still haunts me is what did I do first? Did I have a thought that "this foam looks like a child's genitalia" and then I put my finger in to see if this is what it must feel like, or did i put my finger in because it was a weird sensation and then had the thought, and what scares me the most is that it was the former that happened first.

I remember that at the time (as this happened a while ago) I was constantly being plagued by such thoughts, and I thought, well if I just tick my finger in pretending it is a child's groin area, then I can just determine if I'm a P and be done with all these thoughts. However, as soon as I did this, I felt sick and revolted, but I think I'm also haunted by the fact that it wasn't just a thought - there was the physical act of using my fingers.

I try and take comfort from what I have read, that being disgusted by such thoughts means I'm not a p, and as I've said before I would run a mile, or cut my hands off before I did anything to a child, but ever since I did this with the foam I keep hating myself. Its just made me feel like I'm such a bad person.

I'll tell you that sitting there trying to figure these things out is a compulsion. You will NOT come up with a satisfactory answer to your questions and you will always be left wondering. Such is the way OCD works. No amount of thinking will bring you the clarity you seek. So stop looking for clarity. Chock it all up to OCD, push it onto the back burner and get on with your life.

[Caramoole]

20 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

I think what still haunts me is what did I do first?

Whoah....Stop right there!

 This is the point that you have to start making changes in what you do, how you handle things.  You recognise (based of what you've learned/been told) that this is "you" beginning to do a compulsion in order to bring your anxiety down, to work things out, to make yourself feel better.  You recognise what you're doing and change the response which is not working it out, thinking it through, trying to remember back.  The urge to "think about it" will be strong and you'll feel very drawn into doing so......but you must work hard not to go down that route.  It will solve nothing and ensure you stay stuck in the OCD loop.

1 hour ago, runawaythoughts said:

I try and take comfort from what I have read, that being disgusted by such thoughts means I'm not a p, and as I've said before I would run a mile, or cut my hands off before I did anything to a child

Just beware of that too.  By all means feel relieved at an explanation but don't use it to comfort yourself, don't keep going back and re-reading it....and also beware at telling yourself you're disgusted or that you'd cut your hands off etc etc.  The first bit is using reassurance, the self-loathing statements are also a form of self reassurance.

The thing that will change the outcome is by changing the current responses and that is eliminating the compulsions, the coping mechanisms you currently use to try and manage your anxiety  

[PureOfied]

Agree with Caramoole. The outcome you need to try and achieve is finding no reassurance. Until you do that, you will only make yourself sicker. You need to beat your mind at its own game by egging it on. Yes, that will cause severe anxiety, but that's the point. Doing this is best by visiting a doctor and practicing with them and then working on it on your own time until you get really good at it. Every time it comes up see it as an opportunity to work on your coping skills.