Should I keep my cats or rehome them?

[lostgirl]

Hi everyone,  

This is a very upsetting and stressful situation I find myself in. My ocd consists of contamination fears and some intrusive thoughts. For many years I never thought I'd be able to have cats/animals again, because of my fear of faeces/urine, and general dislike for vomit etc. I've worked really hard on my fears, to the extent that I'm no longer as afraid of them as before. I even decided to get 2 kittens! It's been great, and I can definitely handle looking after them now, and they bring me a lot of joy and happiness. I also believe it's been good for me to have them because they expose me to my fears on a daily basis. However....I am finding it extremely difficult to split my time between looking after my cats, and working on my recovery as much as I would like/know I can. So I've found I can deal with them from my ocd perspective, but feel like I never have enough hours in the day to dedicate to myself and what I need to do. I would like to do more exposure work, heading out on days out more etc. This has been very hard as I have Ragdoll cats, meaning they're not your normal cat. They're extremely demanding and being indoor cats, they require lots of attention. I feel like I can't give them as much attention as they need/deserve, and I'm not putting my recovery first like I should. I've felt completely torn the past few weeks wondering what to do. I love them dearly and it would break my heart to give them up, but unfortunately I must also think of myself to get better. What do you suggest I do? I'd appreciate the feedback as this is breaking my heart. Thanks!

Edited March 24, 2017 by lostgirl

[Caramoole]

Personally (and I can only speak personally) as a pet owner and OCD suffererI I feel  it is prefectly possible to both have pets, give them enough attention and have enough time for your own recovery.  I have Border Collies who really do need a lot of time and attention both mentally and in physical terms of exercise etc, you couldn't really get a pet breed who needs more input and dedication to their well-being. Until his death, I also had an indoor cat as well.

Life is about balance and that includes working on our OCD issues, but that shouldn't become obsessive in itself and worked upon in such a way that it detracts from normal living/life-balance.  If you're coping with the general contamination issues which isn't affecting your ability to cope with their welfare, what is it that's causing the issues?

 

[lostgirl]

53 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Personally (and I can only speak personally) as a pet owner and OCD suffererI I feel  it is prefectly possible to both have pets, give them enough attention and have enough time for your own recovery.  I have Border Collies who really do need a lot of time and attention both mentally and in physical terms of exercise etc, you couldn't really get a pet breed who needs more input and dedication to their well-being. Until his death, I also had an indoor cat as well.

Life is about balance and that includes working on our OCD issues, but that shouldn't become obsessive in itself and worked upon in such a way that it detracts from normal living/life-balance.  If you're coping with the general contamination issues which isn't affecting your ability to cope with their welfare, what is it that's causing the issues?

 

Thanks for your reply. I'm finding it hard balancing my time because I have so much pressure to get better from my family,  and my ex boyfriend who doesn't want to have anything to do with me unless I get better. They all want a quick fix and I'm doing my best, but could do better if I could dedicate more time to myself.

 

Also, I can cope with my cats 99% of the time. I clear and clean their cat litter,  feed them, give them cuddles and attention etc, clean up after the odd accident on the stairs or somewhere. However, I have a really hard time if they've had some poop massacre in the kitchen  (which is very big), and I know I'm gonna have to clean all the floor, the worktops as they jump on them etc. Then somehow clean their fur which is tough when they wriggle around and there's only one of me. I can have a day of ocd exposure/day to relax for once planned,  then this sort of thing can happen and it's hell. I can deal with poop, but when I'm trying to spend time on myself, but constantly find myself cleaning up after them, I'm exhausted. I only have time to eat a meal once a day and I've lost a lot of weight, because the cats take up so much of my time and they follow me everywhere  (that's what Ragdolls do). I just find I never get any time to myself. It's just constant ocd exposure and cleaning up after the cats and it's too much. I'm mentally and physically drained. I recently went to see my friend  (ex boyfriend) who was threatening to cut me out of his life. It was a nightmare at first, but once we had settled things and I got my head around feeling contaminated (as mentioned in a previous post), I felt relieved to be away for a bit to have a break. The cats were being taken care of while I was away, but I dreaded coming back as I thought I was contaminated, but also because I knew I wouldn't have any time for myself again and I desperately need breaks to get through each day. I love my cats more than anything but I don't know if I can l do this for much longer  

Edited March 25, 2017 by lostgirl

[Caramoole]

It sounds to me that you still have quite a way to go with the contamination worries.  Your cats (indeed any pets) don't need a level of cleaning up after that leaves you feeling exhausted, if it does, you're doing way, way too much in "normal terms".  Similarly, if you're only finding time to eat once a day, things have a long way to go.

10 hours ago, lostgirl said:

I'm finding it hard balancing my time because I have so much pressure to get better from my family,  and my ex boyfriend who doesn't want to have anything to do with me unless I get better. They all want a quick fix

It can be helpful for family not to molly coddle and to help nudge you forward when needed but it seems the pressures exherted by your family are perhaps too much.  You should be working on your recovery for you, not to a time scales or conditions laid down by them.  I am particularly concerned about your ex's  demands and would seriously urge you to consider if there's a long-term future with someone who is not prepared to support and help you  with your problems.

No-one can really advise about whether you should keep your cats or not, all I would say (as above) is that unless you had a pet like a horse say (which would demand several hours a day & perhaps travelling) then care of a domestic animal (even Ragdolls) shouldn't impinge on your life to such an extent.

[OceanDweller]

Keep the cats, ditch the ex. ?

[lostgirl]

1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

It sounds to me that you still have quite a way to go with the contamination worries.  Your cats (indeed any pets) don't need a level of cleaning up after that leaves you feeling exhausted, if it does, you're doing way, way too much in "normal terms".  Similarly, if you're only finding time to eat once a day, things have a long way to go.

It can be helpful for family not to molly coddle and to help nudge you forward when needed but it seems the pressures exherted by your family are perhaps too much.  You should be working on your recovery for you, not to a time scales or conditions laid down by them.  I am particularly concerned about your ex's  demands and would seriously urge you to consider if there's a long-term future with someone who is not prepared to support and help you  with your problems.

No-one can really advise about whether you should keep your cats or not, all I would say (as above) is that unless you had a pet like a horse say (which would demand several hours a day & perhaps travelling) then care of a domestic animal (even Ragdolls) shouldn't impinge on your life to such an extent.

 

1 hour ago, OceanDweller said:

Keep the cats, ditch the ex. ?

Thanks for your replies. I'd love to keep my cats, regardless of the pressure from my family and ex, but I'm not sure I can dedicate the time I want to my recovery and look after them at the same time. I'm not exaggerating because my Mum also decided to get a Ragdoll kitten and she too, is struggling to do much because her cat follows her everywhere and she said she doesn't get much space (and she doesn't have ocd). My cousins also had Ragdolls at one point and they said they couldn't cope with the amount of time and attention Ragdolls need. I don't know what to think! I know I can manage in terms of cleaning up after them in general, giving them attention etc, but like I mentioned in my previous post, I go into cleaning overdrive when faced with a poop massacre. For example, my cats had a big accident in the kitchen where one of them had diarrhea and I still don't believe my kitchen floor is properly cleaned. The floor is groovey grained wood, and I believe the dirt is still amongst the grooves in the wood. I have to wear slippers at all times. It's really bothering me and I don't know what to do about this

Edited March 25, 2017 by lostgirl

[Caramoole]

2 hours ago, lostgirl said:

The floor is groovey grained wood, and I believe the dirt is still amongst the grooves in the wood

Try and put your logical head on for a moment.  How exactly are miniscule particles of dried faeces, stuck down a groove in the floor going to contaminate anything?  Quite simply it isn't.  You used the term "I believe" and that is what's happening, your OCD makes you believe, makes you worry which is very different to having good  cause to worry.  What to do?  Walk around the house without slippers and sit with the anxiety.  Just like you did yesterday, do the things you want to do, walk into the fear, into the thing you're running from.....then do it again.

[Wonderer]

Hi lostgirl, I am wondering if ur OCD is what's making it hard for u to cope with them, rather than them inhibiting ur recovery process because u can't get time, to me living a daily life normally regardless of the anxiety is what working on our OCD consists of. You should be able to keep pets just like anyone else can. I know pets can be demanding but it's more the level on which u feel u need to do things such as the cleaning routine if there's been cat poop are the real problem and not the actual cats and poop itself. A person without OCD would just clean up the floor quickly, give the work tops a wee wipe down because there's nothing visible on there and get on with it without thinking about particles of poop or anything else. U say u can deal with poo, and that's great! But u having to wear slippers all the time because u feel there's still particles in the grooves of ur floor, well,that shows ur not actually where u need to be because honestly, I would walk all over ur kitchen floor in bare feet without giving it a second thought! X

[lostgirl]

9 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Try and put your logical head on for a moment.  How exactly are miniscule particles of dried faeces, stuck down a groove in the floor going to contaminate anything?  Quite simply it isn't.  You used the term "I believe" and that is what's happening, your OCD makes you believe, makes you worry which is very different to having good  cause to worry.  What to do?  Walk around the house without slippers and sit with the anxiety.  Just like you did yesterday, do the things you want to do, walk into the fear, into the thing you're running from.....then do it again.

 

8 hours ago, Wonderer said:

Hi lostgirl, I am wondering if ur OCD is what's making it hard for u to cope with them, rather than them inhibiting ur recovery process because u can't get time, to me living a daily life normally regardless of the anxiety is what working on our OCD consists of. You should be able to keep pets just like anyone else can. I know pets can be demanding but it's more the level on which u feel u need to do things such as the cleaning routine if there's been cat poop are the real problem and not the actual cats and poop itself. A person without OCD would just clean up the floor quickly, give the work tops a wee wipe down because there's nothing visible on there and get on with it without thinking about particles of poop or anything else. U say u can deal with poo, and that's great! But u having to wear slippers all the time because u feel there's still particles in the grooves of ur floor, well,that shows ur not actually where u need to be because honestly, I would walk all over ur kitchen floor in bare feet without giving it a second thought! X

Thanks for your replies. I'll have a good think about it, and decide if I can handle the cats as well as myself at the moment.

[OceanDweller]

I have cats, one of whom is a house cat. I don't have contamination obsessions mercifully, but I am an emetephobe. When I first began cleaning the wee ones' litter trays I would retch and panic. This endured for some time, however I am no longer affected that way. The more I exposed myself to what was a much feared task, the less I came to dread it. And I'm delighted with my progress as it's enabled me to keep my kitties, which is cool, because they're ace! ? 

[chaosed]

i sincerely wouldn't want to have anything to do with someone who would give me such an ultimatum.

he's not willing to help you through, but he's willing to rejoice and pluck the fruit of your recovery? no way.

only in hardship you see the true feelings somone has for you, and I believe that your boyfriend made them very clear.

do yourself a favor and ditch what others expect of you. and know I'm talking about your family, as you boyfriend isn't worth even a second glance, I'm sorry. Even if you would recover (and you will) and you would get back together with him, you would still ditch him for how uncosiderate he was with you. it proved you very clearly that he's not someone to rely on.

so going back to your family, it's normal for them to feel this way, because they are concerned about you and they want you to be better asap. but that's it. they want you to feel better for yourself, not for themselves. so aknowleding their concern is a good thing, but you don't have to feel any pressure because of it. i'm sure with all your distress, the last thing they want is for you to have any more concerns. if anything, have a discussion with them and explain the situation, explain that you feel a little pressure because of their concerns and that recovery takes time. i'm sure that in this way you'll understane each other better and you won't feel as much pressure anymore. because what you both want is for you to get better. you don't have to prove anything to anyone. and they would not benefit from your recovery, so they are concerned because they care about you, it's not about putting pressure on you. sure, they may do that, I mean tell you to recover already or something, but they only do that because that's what they think may help you to hear. just aknowledge their intentions and do what you know best, recovering in your own time.

it would also help to try and work and your compulsions and try to live a normal life as much as possible, as I said, recovery takes time and you can't put your life on hold until you put yourself together.

and if your family's advice, even if it's well intended, doesn't help you much, because they don't really understand what you're going through, it would be better, in my opinion, to not share that much information about your OCD with them. That way, they don't get more concerned, and you don't get told things which may bother you because their advice is not helpful or they don't understand what you're going through.

so by all means share your experience with them, but take what they say with a grain of salt, because they don't really understand what you're going through. on no fault of their own, we, who have this condition, informed ourselves so much even to know how it works. therapists also spend countless hours on the subject. so it's unrealistic to expect from a family member in a way that they understand what you're really going through, and it's not that important. what's important is for you to get better and that's why these communities exit, to share your experience with others who go through the same situation, that's why therapist exist, books, blogs, websites, youtubers.

best wishes.

rumbling a little in this post. sorry, it's 3 AM after all.

Edited March 27, 2017 by chaosed

[lostgirl]

12 hours ago, OceanDweller said:

I have cats, one of whom is a house cat. I don't have contamination obsessions mercifully, but I am an emetephobe. When I first began cleaning the wee ones' litter trays I would retch and panic. This endured for some time, however I am no longer affected that way. The more I exposed myself to what was a much feared task, the less I came to dread it. And I'm delighted with my progress as it's enabled me to keep my kitties, which is cool, because they're ace! ? 

Thanks OceanDweller, I appreciate your advice. I agree, having my cats has been good for myou soul but also for my right against my ocd. It has forced me in a way, to confront alot of my contamination fears. My fear of faces and urine has definitely lessened, and I find myself able to shrug things off more easily. But the matter of the odd poop massacre if particularly distressing for me. I know if I was living with someone, it would be much easier because you could share the workload of taking care of 2 cats. But I'm really struggling on my own. I'm not just trying to get my ocd better. Ocd has also taken a huge toll of my health and I'm desperate to find the time to get out to the doctors and dentist, to help put myself back to where after years of hell due to ocd. Exposure therapy onto top of getting to the doctors/dentist, getting out and about in general, doing shopping, spring cleaning, using he bathroom and showering (can take hours), and preparing my one meal a day, means I have very little time and I'm exhaunted. So when a poop massacre happens, I don't have any energy left and I'm at risk of breaking down as stupid as that sounds. I'm hoping I'll figure out a way to manage everything

4 hours ago, chaosed said:

i sincerely wouldn't want to have anything to do with someone who would give me such an ultimatum.

he's not willing to help you through, but he's willing to rejoice and pluck the fruit of your recovery? no way.

only in hardship you see the true feelings somone has for you, and I believe that your boyfriend made them very clear.

do yourself a favor and ditch what others expect of you. and know I'm talking about your family, as you boyfriend isn't worth even a second glance, I'm sorry. Even if you would recover (and you will) and you would get back together with him, you would still ditch him for how uncosiderate he was with you. it proved you very clearly that he's not someone to rely on.

so going back to your family, it's normal for them to feel this way, because they are concerned about you and they want you to be better asap. but that's it. they want you to feel better for yourself, not for themselves. so aknowleding their concern is a good thing, but you don't have to feel any pressure because of it. i'm sure with all your distress, the last thing they want is for you to have any more concerns. if anything, have a discussion with them and explain the situation, explain that you feel a little pressure because of their concerns and that recovery takes time. i'm sure that in this way you'll understane each other better and you won't feel as much pressure anymore. because what you both want is for you to get better. you don't have to prove anything to anyone. and they would not benefit from your recovery, so they are concerned because they care about you, it's not about putting pressure on you. sure, they may do that, I mean tell you to recover already or something, but they only do that because that's what they think may help you to hear. just aknowledge their intentions and do what you know best, recovering in your own time.

it would also help to try and work and your compulsions and try to live a normal life as much as possible, as I said, recovery takes time and you can't put your life on hold until you put yourself together.

and if your family's advice, even if it's well intended, doesn't help you much, because they don't really understand what you're going through, it would be better, in my opinion, to not share that much information about your OCD with them. That way, they don't get more concerned, and you don't get told things which may bother you because their advice is not helpful or they don't understand what you're going through.

so by all means share your experience with them, but take what they say with a grain of salt, because they don't really understand what you're going through. on no fault of their own, we, who have this condition, informed ourselves so much even to know how it works. therapists also spend countless hours on the subject. so it's unrealistic to expect from a family member in a way that they understand what you're really going through, and it's not that important. what's important is for you to get better and that's why these communities exit, to share your experience with others who go through the same situation, that's why therapist exist, books, blogs, websites, youtubers.

best wishes.

rumbling a little in this post. sorry, it's 3 AM after all.

Chaosed, thanks for your advice too. I agree that my ex shouldn't be given the time of day. But apart from my ocd, we never ever had another other issues in our relationship. Last year we agreed we needed our own space and I promised I would try my hardest to get better, and with the ocd better/gone, we would try to be together again. This has been immense pressure on me but I love him so much I have worked so hard and I'm actually getting better. The worst part though, is the fact that he constantly changes his mind about wanting to be with me. It makes me feel so sad because it makes me feel utterly worthless as a person, because he doesn't want to be there for the real me, the girl underneath the ocd. I have thought to myself,  that if we do get together and have children and one day our child asks about our relationship....would I say I got sick and your Dad left me until I got better. He left me alone because I wasn't good enough and he came back when I was? I think that would be a heart breaking thing to reveal and an awful thing to teach your child. It would basically teach them that they mustn't get sick or the person they love one day will leave them too. I feel like my ex should be ashamed of himself, but he buries his head in the sand and likes to blame everything on me to deal with his own guilt he won't face up to. Anyway, I suppose I hope he'll realise he loves the real me and come back to me and do the right thing.

 

With regards to my family, I agree that they just want what's best for me and want me better. But hey put a ridiculous amount of pressure on me and don't know the first thing about ocd. My mum will just find random people on the Internet and tell me to get them to help. We've been conned before, but she doesn't learn. I've seen a hypnotherapist called Dominic Knight many times but it wasn't helping, but my Mum is adamant that I must be dping something wrong for it not to work!! I'm so sick of hearing that! I went to see a private therapist who was AMAZING because I felt someone finally understood me and my way of thinking. My therapist told me other people had seen Dominic Knight and complained and she advised me not to have any further contact with him and to basically drop him...but my mum won't stop banging on about him. She even follows him on Instagram.  It's like she's obsessed! Her obsession made me so embarrassed to see him when I was having hypnotherapy sessions with him. She says she wants me to get better, but she doesn't do it the right way because she doesn't ever listen to me. Last year I told her I want to go into hospital to get better. This was a massive deal for me. I was begging her everyday to make enquiries because I was suicidal at that point. It took her 7 days to bother to call the hospital! I have realised recently that she and the rest of my family will never understand my ocd, and will only damage my recovery. This why I live alone. I am ridiculously lonely 24/7, but no one works with me on my recovery. All I have is my cats but I'm finding things tough with all this extra pressure. I told my ex I might have to remove my cats, but I'm terrified if I do he'll want nothing to do with me because he'll assume I'm not getting better. I just can't seem to win