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I'm back...success story sort of but also new theme


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I feel really bad to be back on here again but I guess I need outside perspectives.

I had some sort of sexual orientation OCD a few years ago. It was pretty bad, but I did a lot of work in therapy and today I can say that I got over it 90% and I live comfortably without that theme impacting my daily functioning.

Anyway, I'm back now because my OCD actually shifted themes. I have some backstory so bare with me...my OCD was all about my sexual orientation and prevented me from enjoying any romantic/sexual relationships I engaged in. Well, last April when I was in an amazing place of recovery, I met this truly fantastic and beautiful woman. We got together and for six months it was just fantastic but the only issue was that she was commitment phobic. She wasn't ready for a relationship but essentially we were dating for almost half a year.  

I really fell head over heels in love with her and I want more than anything to get into a relationship with her. During our time together...I started to develop a new theme of OCD and at the time I disregarded it because I thought I really needed it to keep me and her safe.  I was constantly getting intrusive thoughts that we would not end up together which caused me high levels of distress.

I was always on the lookout for threats to our potential relationship. I would get thoughts telling me that I didn't want to chase her away by acting in any unattractive manner so I'd apologize a lot to her if I was acting badly like being overly anxious or if my OCD told me to. I was also always asking her for reassurance that she hoped to be with me someday too and for her to confirm her attraction to me.

Anyway...I was also always on the lookout for any other women that may take her away from me and I tried to tell myself it was just my overactive OCD making me think there was a potential threat but we ended up breaking it off because an ex she had a past thing with came back to her and we had a falling out over that.  

Now, we are still friends but she is currently seeing the other woman but they are not in a relationship. I really love her deeply and care for her a lot, and to be honest my OCD has increased by tenfold.

My fear is that me and her will never be together again or in a relationship. I am especially afraid that she's going to marry the other woman someday...even though she and I are both 19 and the other woman is like 21. 

I really am not posting on here to get people telling me to move on or give life advice on breakups, I'm just really tired of this fear of me and her never being together again. I can't shake it because I think I need my OCD. My OCD was right about her leaving me for someone else proving to me that my fear is coming true and correct, that we will never be together again because we are not together right now. 

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You do not need your OCD. And you are making things worse by performing compulsions around it. You were getting intrusive thoughts that the relationship (even though it apparently wasn't that) wasn't stable and was in danger and you did compulsions that made your anxiety worse. You need to go back to what you learned about conquering your sexual orientation OCD and put those tools into place for this theme. Ultimately that is going to mean putting the brakes on your ruminating and not seeking reassurance from others over this.

You beat one theme. You can beat this. Treat it like OCD.

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17 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You do not need your OCD. And you are making things worse by performing compulsions around it. You were getting intrusive thoughts that the relationship (even though it apparently wasn't that) wasn't stable and was in danger and you did compulsions that made your anxiety worse. You need to go back to what you learned about conquering your sexual orientation OCD and put those tools into place for this theme. Ultimately that is going to mean putting the brakes on your ruminating and not seeking reassurance from others over this.

You beat one theme. You can beat this. Treat it like OCD.

It's just really spiraled out of control since me and her split up. I went back to therapy but the OCD itself seems to be centered around the fear that the fear is already happening. When I had sexual orientation fears, I didn't have any real proof in the moment that I was becoming the opposite orientation or etc. With this one it feels like real danger because we are not together as we used to be right now, and she's seeing somebody else. That's the proof that my fear is real and true. I just look back at my orientation fears and find it ridiculous, even laugh at myself sometimes. With this it feels real because I can't guarantee a relationship or her ever coming back to me the way we were.

 

It's bizarre but I really believe that there's danger and the compulsions are a safety net but at the same time it's exhausting! I'm trying to stop them but it's so much faulty thinking that I'm getting panicked.  

Edited by NicoletteCB
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1 minute ago, PolarBear said:

You do need to face the possibility that you will never get back together with her. If that's the case, what good would all that ruminating have done?

I think I just try to find as many proofs that we'll never be together again and then counter that with reasons why we would when I'm ruminating...it's temporary relief but then it's the same again.

 

I never quite accepted the possibility of me being the other orientation I fear with my past theme and I was able to be at a place of peace but with this one it's not the same and that's what's scary. I can't say it's ridiculous because the fear is a real one not just an OCD one...

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I have absolutely no control over this fear that is what is so debilitating. I can't control her to get back with me or her feelings. And even she's said herself she'd give me another chance if she could but my OCD just takes that and ignores it. 

 

I talk to my therapist about her and friends and they all believe she's still attracted to me and whatnot but it's like I see the truth for a little bit and my ocd attacks me with what ifs.

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