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Triggered this morning and having a rough day


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Hi, all. I was reading one of my favorite advice blogs today and one of the tops was "Should I tell my BF I blacked out a month ago?" basically, the girl was worried that something had happened when she was blacked out. All of the comments were basically, "you could have cheated on him, YES you should tell him." This sent me into a frenzy and I've been having the worst morning ever. 

For those unfamiliar, I went out with my girlfriends about 6 weeks ago and got pretty drunk. I remember 98% of the night, but some of it is hazy. Naturally, I have convinced myself that I cheated with some random person in the bathroom at some point. My mind started to fill in the blanks. It's so lame because I remember where the thought came from - 

1. Driving up to the trip, I had the intrusive thought of: "what if you cheat on him and hurt him?"

2. I danced (non-sexually - think swing dancing) with a man at one of the bars and told my SO, and he was surprised (not mad, surprised). I even told this man I had a BF when he asked for my number. I texted my SO about this right after it happened. He laughed it off. 

3. That set my mind into a frenzy. I immediately thought - but what if something else happened? I need to confess everything. 

4. I convinced myself I kissed the man I danced with. I asked my friends. They said no. Naturally, my brain went, "well they were drunk too, so how could they know." and then, "they're lying to you to save you." (reassurance doesn't work, folks). 

5. I finally got over that thought, and I felt a thought creeping in a week ago - "what if you had sex with someone in the bathroom?" I tried really hard to fight it off, but it kept coming up, so I thought it was important to address. There is no way for me to "check" because I was in the bathroom alone. I am clinging on to a memory of dumping my drink in the toilet (I didn't want to finish it) and convincing myself that's where I had sex with someone. I know if I "solve" that memory another one will pop up and it's killing me. 

I remember how many drinks I had, most of the conversations that we had, walking home, taking off my makeup, and going to sleep. I can't account for maybe 30 minutes of the night. My rational brain tells me I was dancing with my friends as usual and that's why I don't remember - because it was insignificant. My OCD brain tells me I've done something awful and I'm repressing it. I've thought about it so much, I've come up with an image - but no face to that image, or feeling to it. 

As you can see, I can literally map out where the thought came from and how it morphed. I broke down and told my SO about all of this, and he's been great, but I can only tell him about this so many times. He can see when I'm stressed and asked, "What's wrong? You thinking about that night out again?" and I said, "Yes." And he said, "OK, you have to stop going back and thinking about it. It was 6 weeks ago" and then tries to distract me. One time he told me, "it's fine, you didn't do anything" and that spiked me tremendously. All I can do is ruminate. I can't eat, can't sleep, I've made myself sick.

I'm seeing my therapist on Wednesday, but I'm even afraid of telling her about this. What if she says, "well, if you think you did something, you probaly did." and spikes me? UGH. Thanks for reading, it feels good to get this off my chest and give my BF a break from this. 

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So, yes, you have brought this up before. You're bringing it up again because you continue to ruminate over it, going over it in your head again and again.

This is what we call false memory OCD. It is where intrusive thoughts are mistaken as memories. It often comes about after a night of drinking, when you are apt to not remember everything that happened.

You are following the typical pattern of sufferers of this OCD theme. You can't remember everything about the night but you are getting intrusive thoughts that you did something bad. You perform compulsions. Specifically, you ruminate endlessly over that night, trying to remember, analyzing what you do remember, trying to figure out if something happened. You also probably ask for reassurance from friends and loved ones, asking them if they think you would do something awful. All those compulsions are doing you no good. They are actually keeping stuck. You think if you could just remember you'd be free of the torment but the compulsions are what is causing the torment in the first place.

You must give up your search for the truth. You won't find it. No amount of ruminating and thinking will completely fill in the blanks in your memory. You simply will not remember everything that happened. You have to give up your search and you have to become okay with the uncertainty. You must work hard to refrain from ruminating about that night. You need to stop asking for reassurance. It will be hard work but you can get free of this, if you stick to your guns.

Here's an article on this OCD theme. http://ocdlife.ca/the-hell-of-false-memory-ocd/

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Hi PolarBear, I know that is the key. I just can't bear the thought and the uncertainty. What if it IS real? I just feel sick to my stomach. If I wasn't that drunk, I'd be able to weasel my way out of this, but I was and now I'm screwed. I'm falling into a depressive state and I'm not even sure how to bring this up with my therapist on Wednesday. 

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You bring it up by bringing it up. Ultimately this is just OCD. You deal with it the same as any other OCD theme. Very important is identifying your compulsions and working hard to slow them down and stop them.

I reiterate: No amount of thinking about this is going to bring you the certainty you crave.

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A compulsion would be going over the night over and over again right? I'm having a hard time with that. When I think about the night, I get SUPER anxious and feel like I need to create a timeline. "Where was I at this time? Was I dancing? When did I go to the bathroom? OK, I texted my SO at this time, what did I do before? After? Great, OK. Oh no, I can't remember some parts of the night. Would I really do that? I don't think so. But would I? Would I remember? Probably. What if I was so drunk I blacked out? Can you only black out for 15 minutes? Why would I not remember what happened before and after? Because it didn't happen. But what if it did happen and I blacked out and forgot?" 

Literally, that's how my brain sounds right now. It's so bad that I've created an image, like I scarred my brain. 

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Everything you wrote in the first paragraph above is ruminating. That's exactly what it is. It's you trying to figure things out, trying to find the answer, trying to find the solution to the problem. It's a compulsion and it's keeping you stuck. No amount of doing that is going to bring you the certainty you desire. It just won't. You'll just go round and round in your head endlessly.

The way forward is to learn how to stop the ruminating. Be okay with not knowing the answer. Be okay with being uncertain.

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2 hours ago, californiadreaming said:

Hi PolarBear, I know that is the key. I just can't bear the thought and the uncertainty. What if it IS real? I just feel sick to my stomach. If I wasn't that drunk, I'd be able to weasel my way out of this, but I was and now I'm screwed. I'm falling into a depressive state and I'm not even sure how to bring this up with my therapist on Wednesday. 

If you want 'certainty' parodoxically you have to be prepared to accept uncertainty. The more attention you give it - the less you'll have. 

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I can logically see what you two are saying - it makes sense to dismiss the thought because by giving it attention, it gets bigger and bigger. I'm just worried about it being true, which is why I cannot accept the uncertainty. If it IS true, I can't live with myself. I'm so depressed and feel so guilty each day.

 

Funny isn't it? If it feels like OCD, it probably is. I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was just OCD messing with me. Ugh, I'm so frustrated. 

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Hi californiadreaming

At the risk of doing more harm than good by reassuring you...

I've been blackout drunk a thousand times. Not once have I clearly recalled all the insignificant details only to misplace something of magnitude in the midst of it all.

Before being forced to end my illustrious drinking career, I too used to suffer from blackout paranoia, which is what this is.

?

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Thanks OceanDweller, I appreciate that (I'm not taking that as reassurance). In the back of my mind, I know it's a "fake thought" because I remember it coming on and being able to deflect it at first, and it came on after I already solved another "mystery," which is a really fun pattern that my OCD likes to follow. I actually have another one brewing and I've been able to fend it off so far.  I'm just having a hard time getting on the horse and telling it to buzz off. 

Changing gears - why does OCD prey on what you love the most?

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You're welcome.

OCD preys upon our darkest fears. Hence thoughts of harming loved ones, inappropriate sexual thoughts, and so on.

It's the fact that we're repulsed by the thoughts that separate us from those who might actually commit such acts.

At least that's how I understand it. But I've been wrong about a lot of things before!

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1 hour ago, OceanDweller said:

You're welcome.

OCD preys upon our darkest fears. Hence thoughts of harming loved ones, inappropriate sexual thoughts, and so on.

It's the fact that we're repulsed by the thoughts that separate us from those who might actually commit such acts.

At least that's how I understand it. But I've been wrong about a lot of things before!

Glad you added that last sentence ... otherwise a reassurance alert might have been due. :wink:

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14 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

I don't understand paradoxer. Please would you elaborate?

Sorry mate, a bit of clarification. It was a lightheated comment. Telling someone that being repulsed by thoughts separates one from those who could perform such acts, could be seen as (a sort of) reassurance. 

Edited by paradoxer
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