Change in theme

[Unsurechap]

So over the weekend ocd changed from gay theme to another theme, the content of which i'm not go into but its a little proof that what i'm dealing with is ocd. It is something of a sensitive nature and made me really uncomfortable but what i didnt do was avoid anything i carried on with my day as normal, i didnt ruminate on it i just carried on with my day - i had disturbing thoughts but rather than run i went about my business of looking after my daughter. I guess i've not got anyone to tell some i'm just getting my thoughts down somewhere. I am just going to continue and try to not dwell or get upset, i just need to recognise thoughts as thoughts and mental chatter.....

hope everyone is doing as well as possible with this horrible illness...

[Wonderer]

Hiya! Yep changing themes is very common, when I had (still have a little bit) the gay theme, the biggest consolation I had was the fact that the thinking and behaviour response was identical to the other themes I had in the past! Keep doing what ur doing! Xx

[Unsurechap]

thanks wonderer. i'm trying to just keep going. I had a nice weekend with my girlfriend and the sudden onset of intrusive thoughts appeared when everything was going well. its demoralising at times but it does tell me this is ocd, rather than something else. On one hand it's reassuring and means i am dealing with intrusive thoughts/ocd, on the other hand the intrusive thoughts are horrendous to have when you are around loved ones. 

[Draven1]

Hi Unsurechap,

So sorry to hear you are struggling. I feel very similar to how you are describing that the ocd seems to happen when you are happy and things are calm/going well. I have also struggled with the gay theme to the extent where I have had a panic attack before. I feel you are spot on when you said on one hand when you realise you have ocd it can be reassuring to know what it is finally but on the other, sometimes I wish I was single so I wasn't having any of my ocd thoughts around my partner. Most if not all of my ocd thoughts and ruminations now centre around my relationship and it's just exhausting. You sound like you are doing the right things by just getting on with your day. Thank you for your post.

Draven1

[Unsurechap]

thanks draven1 - glad to have been of some help. it was interesting as i seemed to have overcome my gay fears, then along pops another theme to bother me. the only solution is to just get on with our day and dismiss bad thoughts - otherwise going round and round in your head just gets you nowhere. its difficult as you want to be 100% certain, especailly if someone else is involved (so as to spare their feelings if your worst nightmare came true). I guess though i no longer see being gay as my worst nightmare and if thats the case so beit..... but i know that i am sexually aroused by women so i'll stick with the straight life...

[Wonderer]

Yes I too find when I'm having a nice time they tend to strike more, I'm my case when I was having a nice time with my partner and just enjoying being with him then the gay thoughts used to batter me, I suppose that's because I feel being gay is a threat to my relationship which I love, which is ironic really but the way the disorder works! Same thing used to happen around my children. It's just doubt that creeps in and attacks and that is simply down to our illness and has no real substance or relaveance, so the best way to overcome these things is to continue our lives as if the thoughts are not there even though it's hard, because they aren't real! My therapist has been wonderful in showing me how it's how I think about the thoughts that is distorted. I freaked out because I get turned on by lesbian stuff sometimes and have lesbian dreams from time to time, my therpaist has been wonderful and says I can sue him if I turn out gay lol xx

[Draven1]

Thanks for your replies Unsurechap and Wonderer. That's exactly it, its when something feels like a threat to the relationship you're in or to someone else you care for that it becomes worse. I feel guilt plays the biggest part in making me feel depressed when I get these thoughts and ruminate over them.

I have discussed about the possibility of me being gay with my partner before and he told me he read something that a lot of people are bisexual in some way just in different places of the spectrum.

I also get turned on by lesbian things it took a while for me to accept this but now I do. If I see two women making out or having sex it turns me on because I find the female body beautiful and I enjoy seeing people being pleasured. I have also felt this way watching heterosexual and gay men scenes so know I must be quitea sexual person and maybe that's all there is to it. If I am bisexual I know I love my partner and want to be with him anyway so it isn't a threat like my ocd perceives it to be. 

Like you said we need to get on with our daily lives and draw support from each other because the way we distort our thinking is ocd not us. 

I am having cbt in the next few months just such a big waiting list. I am really happy therapy is going well for you.

Draven1 

[Wonderer]

Draven, all that sexual stuff is totally normal, my non-OCD friends are the same ? It's just our OCD that makes a big deal out of it! I've the same attitude as u too, I love my partner and don't want to be with anyone else so it really doesn't matter anyways! I told my partner expecting him to freak out but he was like "eh? That's normal!" He just wished I had of said something sooner instead of suffering so terribly in silence as to what was bothering me. We had one conversation about it and then I told him that was the end of it as I didn't want to be constant reassurance seeking, so that was that! It is such a long waiting list for CBT, I waited for 11 months, but it kinda worked out because I was more stabilised and therefore more receptive to what I have to do to get better! In the meantime we all have ur back should u need support! Xx