Ruminations about crushes and relationship

[Draven1]

Hi all

I am struggling at the moment with ruminations about whether I truly love my partner or not. I know I have ocd and in a way this can be comforting, to know I'm not alone but it is still very distressing and frustrating and can lead to feelings of depression (I suffer with depression and anxiety also).

I have ocd about wanting to tell my partner everything I think and feel because I feel I'm keeping things from him or being dishonest if I don't. Since I met him I have had intrusive thoughts and intense ruminating about his friends and whether I like them romantically or not, whether I should be with someone else instead. He does have a lot of interesting attractive friends and when I told him about this he agreed he  does and knows my distress is down to ocd.

Recently I am trying my best not to ruminate about one of my new friends. We went out for a meal with other friends last week which is the first time we've spent time together properly and we ended up being the last two people in the restaurant, we talked a lot and have a lot in common. I don't think I fancy him or want to be with him in that way, he reminds me of my brother a lot and I hardly spend time with my brother anymore so wondering if this is misplaced affection of some sort. This guy is great and really fun to be around and good looking. He stayed at my house in the spare room and got on with my partner well which I didn't feel weird about at the time but now I do. We hugged goodbye and that didn't feel like there was chemistry between us. I think I get attached to people very easily so am thinking this is all a part of that. I'm not sleeping well which is making things worse as I have less energy to deal with my ruminations and feel a lot of the time that I am soul searching, don't know whether I'm doing the right things in life or with the right person even though my relationship with my partner is fantastic and I know if I was with anyone else I would still be having these thoughts about someone else. Ocd is making me question and doubt my love for my partner and it's so distressing especially when we're together so I can feel anxious around him which then make me worry more about whether we're right for each other.

Sorry for the long post I've been struggling past few days. Can anyone relate to this?

thanks for reading

Draven1

[Wonderer]

If you didn't love your partner then you wouldn't be having this theme of OCD! You know OCD is a fear of something and not a fact! You would know if you were out of love with your partner because you wouldn't care like you do. As for figuring out if ur attracted to his friends or your friend, well, it smacks of OCD because of the amount of time your spending figuring it out but I think it's perfectly normal and natural to have crushes outside of your relationship, it doesn't mean anything, it only means something when we decide our feelings are so intense that we'd like to DO something about it! remember it's our actions that make us who we are, not our thoughts! Xx

[Avo]

Hi Draven1,

Sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment with this, I agree with Wonderer its because you love your partner that it is causing you distress, it is OCD making this so painful for you. If you can avoid rumination on this topic it will seem less severe. . As you know I have this issue at the moment, I have found this helpful as a couple of weeks ago it was all consuming for me it's not too bad today but it does flare up quite regularly, it is one of several themes that seem to circulate and land on me from time to time.

My phone call went ok thanks, I am on a waiting list for CBT, was told that hopefully it will not be too long to wait. I see you are waiting on CBT as well, hopefully it will not be long for you either. I think that it is the way forward when dealing with OCD. I hope your treatment is not too long in arriving and you get some real benefit from it.

[guitar_queen]

Hi Draven1,

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. I can relate as I have lately been thinking more and more about this boy who I like, which makes me think that maybe I don't love my boyfriend as much as I should. 

I was wondering: do you feel like you have enough friends? I sometimes feel like I tend to ruminate more on people when I am feeling lonely. This, of course, doesn't necessarily have to be your case, but perhaps you'd feel (a bit) better if you spent more time with people not related to the ruminations you have? 

 

 

[Draven1]

Thank you so much to all of you for replying to my post- I got a bit emotional just now! It is amazing to have support from people who truly understand what it is like to have OCD. Luckily I have a lot of support from my partner and family they are wonderful and I feel so grateful for them every day but to communicate with others like yourselves who REALLY understand is such a relief. Thank you.

To come think of it, I only have 1 more male friend of my own (when I first met him and for about a year of seeing him every week I could barely talk to him because of ruminations and now he's one of my best friends so I have come far in that respect), I am friends with some of my partners friends now and the ones I am closest to I hardly ever ruminate about and I know that when I do it is OCD. Perhaps I am ruminating so much about this new male friend I have made because we get on so well and have a lot in common so I panicked as he is also attractive BUT me and my boyfriend get on very well and have a lot in common and I find him incredibly attractive. We have been together 18 months it was all very intense at the beginning and I had a lot of anxiety about whether I wanted/could be in a relationship after being hurt in my last long term relationship. But I went for it and so happy I did because we are great together and have a very honest and close relationship.

I don't want to end up with compulsions of not seeing the objects of my ruminations but I think I probably do need to see my friends more. 

I know even when I can't feel the love for my partner when I am feeling depressed or very anxious that I must do because like you said, I wouldn't be obsessing and distressed about it to this extent if I didn't care. Actions are what are important and I know I would never cheat on my boyfriend. I have a lot of ruminations about this topic also which can be very difficult because I know I don't want to!

I have a call on Friday regarding what therapy will be right for me I think cbt is the way to go I have never tried it before either so want to give it a shot. 

Thank u all again for your replies it means so much.

Draven1 

[Draven1]

I'm so sorry to hear that you struggle with these themes also they seem so real at the time but the ruminations wear off after time. They come back when I see one of the men I ruminate about or when I see my boyfriend because I feel so guilty.

Thanks again

Draven1