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OCD and new baby


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Hi All,

I've been a lurker for many, many, years and am a long time sufferer of OCD. As a brief summary, I've always suffered from anxiety which morphed into Pure O when I was in my early twenties and here I am ten years on and still stuck in the loop.

I started by having 'POCD' (brought on from reading about this type of OCD and then panicking!!), to fears of being involved in a terrorist attack, my husband dying and back full circle to 'POCD/HARM OCD' (I put this in inverted commas as I know it's not helpful to differentiate this type of OCD from any other).

The last 6 months have been horrendous and my OCD has been the worst it's ever been. For the first 6 weeks of having my gorgeous baby boy, I was in a blissful (albeit exhausting!) state of euphoria and then slowly the thoughts crept in. I am now stuck on one truly horrifying thought of something I could do and I literally can't stop this going round my head. It's like my brain almost wants to think of this disgusting thought - how is that possible? And for the first time, I'm actually scared I could do something - like I'll snap and my life will be over. At the beginning I cried and cried but I've grown so numb and just feel like I don't even know who I am anymore.... what my personality is..... I'm just OCD. 

On the outside I'm managing and I've actually just been offered a job (bizarrely I have no anxiety about anything that a normal person would - it's like OCD has sucked that all away) and I'm due to start in May  -three months earlier than my maternity is due to finish because I feel I will go completely insane if I don't find something to distract me. It's just so sad that I can't be like any other normal mum and enjoy what should be such a wonderful time and my baby.  

Can anyone offer any advice? I'm seeing a very good CBT therapist and have just started mindfulness - the latter seems to be helping more than the CBT. I just don't understand how my brain can tolerate such horrible thoughts and think the way it does.... For example, I think maybe I'm evil, then my mind says 'yes, you want to be evil' - it's like its pushing me as far as I can go. Am I crazy? And how do I get over the guilt of feeling like the worst mother? That's the hardest part. I feel so unworthy.

Arrrrgh. Sorry for the rant and any advice would be so appreciated :-)

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Hey Jess,

Thank you so much for your kind reply - I really appreciate it so much. Sounds like we have a pretty similar story as mine started 6 weeks after my son's birth (thank god I didn't have it at first, I would have completely crumbled). I hope you're much better now.

I'm lucky enough to be seeing a CBT therapist and I know she's a good one - she practices during the day up at a hospital on Harley Street - but it just doesn't seem to be working :-( I almost feel like I'm getting worse. 

I really like that approach - 'maybe I'm the worst, or maybe I'm the best' - as I know how important accepting uncertainty is. I just feel so out of control and not myself at the moment with these thoughts racing through my mind 24/7 - I'm worried it means I could do something awful. And I feel like a fraud :-(

Thank you so much again - I can't tell you how much you've helped :thankyousign: xxx

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Sorry just seen this! Thank you so much for your advice - literally EXACTLY what I have gone through and you've really helped so much knowing someone else has gone through this horrible thing and come out the other side. I'm so happy for you :-) 

I'm on Prozac but only 20mg - tried Zoloft and it didn't work at all. Not sure if I should increase it!

I've just had a great day but then had this awful thought 'something terrible is going to happen today' and wham, I'm in panic mode. I know I need to just shrug it off and get on with my day which is what I'm trying to do! This is such a lovely board with such great advice - very thankful for it! x

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Hi Goldfinch,

Sorry to hear you are going through this at the moment.

My son is nearly 7 and my OCD surrounding him started when I was around 7 months pregnant. I suffered in silence for nearly 3 years. My worries were harm related too.

Like Jess has said. It does get better.

Its great that you have a good therapist and you have asked for help so quickly. 

Just remember what you are fighting. The more tangled up in the thoughts you get, the harder it is to break free from them. 

How r you feeling now?

X

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Hi i can totally relate. I'm a dad to a nearly two year old and suffered intrusive thoughts about my darling little girl. It so horrible to have and difficult when you cant just shut your mind up and it won't leave you alone. I don't have any great advice just to let you know that you are not alone....

x

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Thanks so much guys and so sorry to hear you have been through similar things - OCD is so cruel. I'm feeling a bit better but then my OCD twists and poses itself in a new light and I get completely sucked in again - it's so frustrating. Like today my brain is telling me that I want to have these thoughts and that I don't find them horrible anymore. I just feel so exhausted by it all. Thank you again xxx

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