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Feeling okay for now


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Hi everyone

I haven't been around for a while. It always feels better, when my head is in this place, to stay away for a bit and try and be my own helper. I hope you're all getting along okay.

I've been feeling pretty good the last couple of weeks and have been working on taking that constant pressure off my shoulders. I've had a really good last two days off work, which has been a nice change; I normally feel very restless, anxious, bored and isolated on my days off so this has been a massive improvement. I've been giving myself permission to just 'be' to do things that are relaxing, rather than feeling as though I have to write all the time (I went through a stage where I was desperate to prove to myself that I could write certain things I felt I wasn't allowed to do. An act of defiance, as it were to prove that I could - a compulsion in itself). I've been finding a lot of pleasure in rediscovering Red Dwarf on Netflix - I loved it a lot as a teenager and now I'm just really relishing it. It's one of those things that helps keep me going and just helps me feel secure. Things have been so miserable in my life for a long time and the Citalopram seems to be doing the trick. :a1_cheesygrin:

I also found that meditation helped; I tend to brim over and bubble with anxiety, talk very loudly and it becomes very obvious very quickly and I get a lot of headaches. I tend to rush myself a lot and it just doesn't help. I find I get headaches when relaxing too; tension aches, I guess. I've also been very anxious about going abroad in the summer, just for a few weeks, to teach English. It's very nerve-wrecking, but I've decided to do some studying in advance; the native language, and teaching skills. It's giving me something to focus on and make me feel as though I'm doing something valuable with my time, as for a long time I've felt as though I'm wasting my life and going around in circles, but have had absolutely no clue what to do about it. I'm also making more of an effort to eat healthily and have lots of vegetables, get fresh air. Having given up chocolate for Lent (well, eating less anyway!) I've had sugar cut out of my diet (for the most part, because, you know. Doughnuts :P) and if I eat chocolate, go for the good stuff.

I feel bad that the last six years have been so flipping difficult and I feel my twenties went all over the place because of the depth of the anxiety - one mistake ruined everything. I feel I've been digging into my skull to try and find a way of acting normal and it's been so difficult to relax. I've felt so guilty about the thoughts I've had in the past, intrusive or otherwise (as you all know) and felt I had to pay a price. I felt I would never be happy again and didn't deserve to be because of what I thought of, because it felt like something I did, if that makes sense. Someone quoted a Bible verse at me last night after I spoke on a facebook group about feeling like a rubbish Christian; I looked it up and felt weird because it's hard to be happily religious when OCD is involved, I find. I don't want to lose my beliefs, but I can't say I'm the best Christian; far from it. Then again, I know we're all human and God's love is infinite. I've just had all these voices in my head telling me I'm wicked, not knowing if it's God or just OCD and have been left deeply distressed. I'm rather selfish in that I don't want to sacrifice anything that makes me happy but how will I improve myself if I don't stay open-minded?

A friend of mine told me a short while ago when I was confiding in him that we are not put on this Earth to suffer. I do want to enjoy my life as it's felt like I've been bumbling through; I'm 27 this year and I have debts, a low wage-packet and no plan, no romance and no confidence. I want a change, but I was scared that whatever I went for, I would be unable to go for it 100% because I get so distracted by my OCD worries and it would pull me away from what I'd be doing. I've felt like my brain was boxed up and separate from everyone else. I just felt I can't engage - it's hard to be around people who trigger the anxiety, like people I look up to but who I feel awkward around and it just sends me crazy because I get so nervous and - horrid as it sounds - I just want to run away from them so I don't end up feeling like an awkward idiot. I feel awkward around everyone! :tongue:

Anyway, just a general update. Take care, all.

C x

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