Unsurechap Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Hi all, just thought i'd vent today. am having a tough one. i wish my mind would shut the f up and stop thinking about sexual acts. i wish sex didnt even exist. i was close to going up to the hospital earlier my anxiety had got that bad and my mood was low. when will this end i i feel better?? its so hard to go on, i'm so scared today, thinking i don;t know how much more of this life i can take... iwent into the disabled loo at work turned the lights off and meditated for 20 mins which helped a little. i just can seem to stop thinking about gay sex.... there i said it, thats what keeps on happening whether it be a colleague, or an old man in the elevator, or someone i'm standing beside on the train or a family member no matter what the age. i just wish they would stop... i know my compulsion to make myself feel better is to watch porn to make sure i'm aroused by straight things and thats something i have to stop. i just want to be happy and healthy and for brain to stop for a while, its incessant. i guess i needed to rant i cant really speak to anyone about it because a) they don't really understand and b) i don't know what to say its so embarrassing and shameful. i would accept the gay thoughts if they were arousing to me, but they are not - i've even tried to think of them and see if anything happens downstairs but it doesnt, i just feel haunted by my own mind. maybe tomorrow will be better but i'm not so sure, i'm scared.... Link to comment
OceanDweller Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 As you're probably aware, sexual orientation OCD is very common. May I ask, how would you feel if you realised you were gay? Link to comment
Unsurechap Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Yeh I've been told it's OCD. How would I feel, that's an interesting question. For a long time it would have been the worst thing in the world for me but I don't feel that way anymore. I know it's totally cool to be gay but I didn't always feel that way. It's complicated in that I have a female partner and little daughter. Link to comment
Unsurechap Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 So it gets complicated when I was worried about sexual thoughts about family members or inappropriately touching my little girl which are very clearly OCD issues... Link to comment
Unsurechap Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 (edited) I guess I'd be content if i was having these thoughts and being aroused, but I'm not. I almost wish I was then I'd be able to go yay this is who I am. Edited March 30, 2017 by Unsurechap Link to comment
Unsurechap Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 But I find myself sometimes smiling about my female partner like a big Cheshire Cat. Though I guess I'm worried that I don't love her and am just in denial and the closet. Link to comment
OceanDweller Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 Not that it will provide you with much consolation, but it definitely smacks of OCD. Your fear of being gay clearly originates from the impact it would have upon your family, and it's likely that all of your other obsessive thoughts are driven by this fear. It might be that you're so much insecure in your sexuality, but more that you're insecure about something else, and these thoughts are how it's manifesting. Link to comment
Unsurechap Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 It's true the impact on others is a factor, my poor little innocent girl who is not even two yet. It's about having a little faith in yourself and not having 100% certainty. I know that if I lie back and think about women I get movement downstairs and it's having the faith that fundamentally that's all there is to it. I don't get aroused when I think about guys. I get aroused thinking about girls. Link to comment
paradoxer Posted March 30, 2017 Share Posted March 30, 2017 The content is irrelevant, Don't engage with the question.. If you want to short circuit the OCD, maybe even tell you yourself that there's a chance that you could be gay (or up the ante, and tell yourself that you are definitely gay), then leave the question totally unanswered. No rumination, Nada. And go about you day. Link to comment
Unsurechap Posted March 30, 2017 Author Share Posted March 30, 2017 Yeh paradoxes I've been thinking about erp and how to make myself uncomfortable. I tried the whole gay porn watching and with an attitude of so be if it arouses me rather than being scared of it. I was able to look at it and go 'well they look like they are enjoying themselves but it does nothing for me' mind you I've watched it quite a few times now and have never been aroused..... Link to comment
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