Cognitive aspects: anxiety/worry turning to feeling down

[nrh12]

Hi

Not sure if I’m posting for advice, or if I’m just trying to vent/get something off my chest.

I often find that anxiety/worry about something related to my OCD turns to more of a general “down” feeling. It doesn’t bring me down completely, but the anxiety and worry has gone, leaving something like a “cloud” or “shadow” over me.

Very recently a situation/event set of my OCD, I no longer feel the much anxiety or worry (although it occasionally “pops up”), but I’m finding it very difficult to accept it as an issue of OCD making me anxious and worried about contamination as opposed to real contamination (there are things to suggest it could real, but only “suspicions”).

I’ve always had problems dealing with the cognitive aspects OCD, but sometimes I feel like after the anxiety/worry has gone I’m left accepting things as they are but not having moved on from thinking of them as contaminated – almost like I just have to accept that it is contaminated and there’s nothing I can do about, rather than actually accepting it’s down to my OCD and there’s no contamination. This continuation of seeing things as contaminated is what causes this feeling of something overshadowing me.

Apologies if some of the above is a bit vague, please feel free to ask for clarification.

[PolarBear]

Maybe what you could do is go half way. Say, "It may or may not be contaminated but I choose to do nothing about it." Try doing that rather than trying to convince yourself something is not contaminated.

When you try to convince yourself something is not contaminated you're fighting against the ocd, which is trying to convince you it is contaminated. Stop fighting and think, maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but I choose to leave it alone.

[Kevyla]

When I have an OCD episode which makes me anxious/worried, it pretty much always leads to me feeling down and depressed.  When I eventually get over whatever it is that's bothering me, I tend to then go on a bit of a high until the next episode.  

[nrh12]

Hi, thanks for the replies

For me the moving on, is the hardest/trickiest part. The worry and anxiety tend to diminish relatively quickly, but the "belief" (for want of a better word) that things could be contaminated and the strength that "belief" has can stick around for quite a time, particularly if I think that an object (as opposed to hands, clothes or other things that get cleaned as a matter of general routine) is contaminated.

Thanks again
Neil

[Avo]

I often find if I have a severe OCD episode that I am left feeling very down afterwards, I call it the 'heavy feeling' but it sounds similar to what you describe, it almost feels like the aftermath and that I worried so much during the OCD episode that I am mentally drained and fragile. Almost like if this was a physical symptom it would be a pulled or sprained muscle and it takes a few days to heal.

I think Depression can go along with OCD, I have certainly been depressed over the past few years. I was put on medication last summer which has helped to an extent and am due to start a new course of CBT in the next few days which hopefully will get me more in control of my OCD.

[nrh12]

Hi

Thanks for the reply.

For me, part of the sticking point with being able to "let go", so to speak, is the absolute dread that something could be contaminated, it's a feeling of disgust, but a feeling of the contamination being unbearable. It's usually worse, when there has been some physical or literal act involved, that's not to say I know the contamination occurred, but rather there's a literal suggestion of contamination and something has happened that could spread the contamination.

[snowbear]

On 03/04/2017 at 15:58, nrh12 said:

I feel like after the anxiety/worry has gone I’m left accepting things as they are but not having moved on from thinking of them as contaminated – almost like I just have to accept that it is contaminated and there’s nothing I can do about, rather than actually accepting it’s down to my OCD and there’s no contamination. This continuation of seeing things as contaminated is what causes this feeling of something overshadowing me.

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt(s) to prove it.    It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. Living in the misery of the OCD world or being overshadowed by a powerful, depressive reluctance in the normal world.

When you start therapy you experience the depressive weight of accepting things are contaminated and there's nothing you can do about it - feeling you're being forced to live with contamination. It's unbearable.   Many people give up at this point and go back to doing compulsions. You've accepted your behaviour needs to change, but you haven't yet changed your thinking. 

Those who stick with it and put in the cognitive work develop understanding and accept there is no contamination. Logically, at least. But the weight of the shadow is still there. Why?

Because you've accepted it in your mind, but you cling to the belief the contamination is real in your heart and gut. 

There's no short cut on this one I'm afraid. However, further along the cognitive road it becomes more than simply understanding that others are right and you were wrong. Gradually you start thinking differently for yourself and see that it's true - there really is no contamination. You know it in your heart and gut as truly as with your head.

And finally the weight starts to lift, the shadow passes. You've learned to process your thoughts differently and stopped believing in contamination so there is nothing to be down about any more. 

Keep doing the cognitive work. You'll get there.