Psychologist

[Phili]

My psychologist doesn't seem as friendly as she was originally. One of the main reasons we worked so well together was that she was very friendly and took interest and so I listened to her and paid attention but that has decreased with the more cool attitude. Also, my attention span is greatly depremental to my therapy but she doesn't seem to want to work on it. She says it will Improve with the therapy but my attention span is making that nearly impossible as is my growing apathy, which is at an all time high. 

Yesterday she left five minutes early and I was joking and said we still had five minutes, she said that we had finished everything useful, or words to that effect, and I said but I'm lonely, she said, it's not my job to make you not lonely. I had been joking around but the response really hurt my feelings and I found that my faith dropped significantly. 

My apathy, concentration and feelings of being withdrawn are at an all time low. I can't even be bothered to talk. Everything just feels pointless.

[snowbear]

Is it possible the psychologist has chosen to keep a more professional distance to save you from falling into the dependency trap? Your feelings being hurt at what you perceived as a personal rejection suggests that was already starting to happen, in which case this home truth was a kindness on her part, not a lack of friendliness. After all, she isn't there to keep you company. Perhaps you should take this reaction of feeling hurt as a sign you need to broaden your social circles. 

Improving your attention span is easy - practise concentrating. When you get the urge to switch tasks because you feel bored or uncomfortable, force yourself to stick with what you're doing for another 5-10 minutes, and gradually increase that 'extra' time until you can stick with any task for as long as it takes to complete it. 

Apathy and feeling withdrawn are also a matter for self-discipline. Kick your own butt and get active even though it's the last thing in the world you feel like doing. Don't be fooled into thinking you'll somehow magically feel better and promise yourself you'll get active once you do. Increasing your activity is what creates the energy and gives you the mental and emotional lift. Wait for the energy to arrive before you take action and nothing will ever change. 

[Phili]

I don't get attached or dependent easily, in truth I suffer with a lack of attachment and a severe lack of emotion in general. I barely feel anything. 

It wasn't that I took it as a rejection, I was only joking around, it just upset me, I thought it was a cruel thing to say. I can't broaden my social circumstances, you know that.

Being active is impossible, my back is so bad I can only stand for three minutes before the bones lock up. I will try the concentration thing though. Thank you. I don't know how to get out of not caring, I want to but it's a forever circle.

[Ashley]

1 hour ago, Phili said:

One of the main reasons we worked so well together was that she was very friendly and took interest and so I listened to her and paid attention but that has decreased with the more cool attitude.

Is it possible that as the therapy is moving along and you are being encouraged to challenge yourself it feels less friendly, but is actually no less friendly than before?

 

1 hour ago, Phili said:

I said but I'm lonely, she said, it's not my job to make you not lonely. I had been joking around but the response really hurt my feelings and I found that my faith dropped significantly. 

I would be tempted to suggest what Snowbear suggested and this all makes sense. Maybe your therapist felt you were becoming a little dependent on her for non-OCD stuff, the kind of things you should discuss with a friend perhaps, so she's adapted a more professional tone? I don't know, I am just guessing here.  For what it is worth, the more we challenge our anxieties the more confidence we get to try other life activity which may help people feel less lonely.

[snowbear]

I know your physical health limits you, Phili, and I sympathise. Every day I have to push through the pain to get up and get going and there are many days I wish I could stay in bed all day rather than face it. But there is only one way to improve your health and that's to DO more exercise and keep doing it so you don't lose ground again.

If you stiffen up or reach your pain limit after 3 minutes then relax and 10 minutes later do another 3 minutes. Push yourself 6 times for an hour and for 3 hours spread out through the day and it won't be long until you can stand for 5 or 10 minutes before locking up. Then you carry on, doing as much exercise as you can tolerate each day plus a bit more. It's the 'bit more' that you do after you think you've reached your limit which builds muscle strength and eventually stops you locking up in pain.

Why can't you broaden your social circumstances? I'm housebound like you and I manage to have a very full and active social life. There aren't enough days in the week to fit in regular chats with all my online friends!  

The only person I speak to face to face in a typical week is my care assistant. I pay her for two hours a week, but as soon as the jobs are done she goes early. I consider her a friend, but I don't expect her to stay and 'socialise' beyond the time it takes to do the jobs because being my friend isn't part of her job description. With a therapist I'd expect an even more professional interaction without any social chat at all, just therapy and go.

 If neutral comments seem cruel to you then the way to care less is to have more going on in your life, to not be dependant on any one person or any one activity to occupy your time. Diversify! The world is  full of interesting things to do, endless things to spark the interest of someone who is bored or demotivated. But they won't come to you - you have to decide what interests you and then go looking for other people who are already involved in those activities. 

[lostinme]

 snowbear 

That's gave me courage and inspiration that it's never too late to change, to widen our horizon and we are all capable of changing our circumstances even with our disabilities. We can achieve many things if we challenge ourselves too and there is lots of ways to do this. So this week I'm going to set about changing things that are possible to change. 

You are an inspiration your wise words of knowledge and advice help us change things we are capable of changing. 

Some great advice there phili hopefully you could make some changes too and you too won't feel so lonely and isolated. 

Best wishes 

lost

[Caramoole]

8 hours ago, Phili said:

I can't broaden my social circumstances, you know that.

Being active is impossible, my back is so bad

Believing in and using phrases and words like "I can't" and "impossible" are huge factors that stop any progress.  Nothing (well in these terms) is impossible and "You can" but you don't.  Why is that Phili?

I know that your past was very difficult but the past is just that, past.  You are living in the here and now and aiming towards a future and that is in your control.  When you do make a post it is generally about a negative, rather than maybe something that you're working on and need some advice for.  I haven't seen any posts about recent achievements or improvements in your situation.

All of these things like your weight problem, mobility issues (which are linked), going out into the garden, taking on responsibility for household tasks etc etc are all things that are directly in your control, that need you to do something about.  That can be disappointing to hear and a bitter pill to swallow but it's a fact.  It needs you to make the changes.  Apathy breeds apathy and even with depression, it needs discipline to keep doing these things on a daily basis.

You can have a future that is very much improved, if you want that......or you can stay static.  The desire and the work needs to come from you.

Who knows what was happening with your therapist, maybe she was having a bad day, maybe she had a headache, maybe she was frustrated that you aren't progressing or committing to the therapy in a way that's actually showing benefits.  It's worth doing a bit of soul-searching and thinking about what you do really want to achieve because therapy may not continue indefinitely, especially if it doesn't seem to be having an effect.

Things won't change because you want them to unless you take steps to make those changes.

[Phili]

I don't know what's wrong with me. There just isn't anything inside, nothing, I don't know why I am like I am. I feel like my therapy has started at the wrong end. What do you do when you just can't help yourself? What do you do when you don't care? I don't know what to do. I feel suicidal this morning. I just don't care about me. I wish I could convey how I feel, how I am. Everyone is different and I have tried but none of it is working for me. What is the point anyway? I have no worth. Look at me, listen to me, what is the point in me really? People try to help but you can't help someone who is so confused and so pathetic that they can't even help themselves. I was already exhausted, I can't get anyone to understand. I wish I could open my mind and show people what I have been through and then maybe they would be able to find an approach that works. People just say the past is the past but it isn't, it is everything I am and have become. I don't feel like a person, I don't feel like an individual, I don't feel like the regular things that people do each day applies to me, I feel that those things are what people do and me, I'm not a person. Everyone keeps repeating themselves but it isn't working, I do listen, I do try but it isn't working. Everyone just tells me what I am doing wrong. Nothing is driving me, there is nothing I really want. Even with writing I just keep going in circles. 

I am so sorry, I am just so so sorry.

Edit: I have tried making friends online, I can't get anyone interested. 

[lostinme]

We all have bad days phili and no it's not pleasant but tomorrow is another day. The reason your mood is so low is because you are seeing all the negatives. Try today to think of the positive things in your life, your dog ?, your house, your family, the little things that make you smile and feel happy about anything that can help lift your mood. My dog brings me such happiness with the crazy things she does and that make me smile. When we are feeling low we often seem to focus on the negatives through out the day and fail to see the positive things, try to see the positive things throughout today and I'm sure you mood will lift. 

Hope your feeling better soon 

[Caramoole]

6 hours ago, Phili said:

there is nothing I really want

Isn't there?  Start with that statement.

1. So, do you want to get up every day with nothing to do, nothing that pleases you, no-one to chat with and nothing to look forward to at all?  Is that the life you're truly quite happy with?

Only you can answer that but I suspect it's not.  You would like company, conversation & friendship, so that's one thing at least.  You would like to be more mobile, so that's another thing.  I'm sure if you're honest and think carefully there are quite a few things you wish were different, aka "want"

6 hours ago, Phili said:

I wish I could open my mind and show people what I have been through and then maybe they would be able to find an approach that works.

It's a good job that I don't live a bit nearer or I'd be round there with an approach that works, but I guess you wouldn't like it    

Yes Phili, your life was unimaginable and as a child, out of your control.  Those circumstances have changed.  Since joining the forum your home/living arrangements have changed, your finances have changed, your inability to be seen by anyone has changed, you have a much loved pet, you have access to therapy  Those are some pretty major changes that have happened when unfortunate circumstances forced a change.  Other changes can happen if you determine to "make changes"

6 hours ago, Phili said:

Everyone keeps repeating themselves but it isn't working, I do listen, I do try but it isn't working

Listening isn't enough Phili, it's doing, applying changes that works.  You say it's not working, what are you trying that's not working?  What are you doing about your diet, about your exercise, about filling part of your day with routine tasks, about getting outdoors?

In your instance you will feel apathy because you live in a void, a life without any real routine or structure.  If I were advising it would be to start to tackle those very ordinary things first.....and yep, that seems like a bummer to have to do things that are boring or are hard work.....but by starting to build some structure you can then start to add other layers.  The work comes first, the change in feelings comes as a result of that work.

6 hours ago, Phili said:

Look at me, listen to me, what is the point in me really?

I'm not going to pander to that self-pity 'cos it doesn't do you a h'appenth of good.  You are a bright woman Phili, a feisty one, someone who has already defeated more odds than she realises.  Now make a plan about how you're going to change things, those ordinary, boring things and actually make a determined start and stick with it

[Ashley]

9 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

Now make a plan about how you're going to change things

I would perhaps just add to this, set yourself a goal (or more than one) and use that goal to move forward. Like Caramoole says, make plans to change how you think and work to achieve that goal. 

Change doesn't happen we have to make it happen.