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How to stop cheating?


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Hello.

Ive been having thoughts and serious obsessions about me cheating for a while now. Even tho im in a relationship for almost 10 years now from which ive been married for 3 years.

The most recent one is one from yesterday.
me and some co-workers went out eating, during the whole dinner I tried to not get involved speaking to some of the woman who were present, mainly because I know that those kind of woman  I could feel attracted to, and so I try to not talk to much to them. Because when I do so i might start to feel attracted to another woman im speaking with, and then I feel like im cheating on my wife.

After the dinner we got together for a drink with some of my co-workers, at that time ive had a few beers but nothing to crazy. The thing I really regret now is that after the dinner when we got somewhere together for a drink, and a part of my defense was not up, I became a lot more talkative towards the woman. (the men I already was talking to the whole night btw).

At some point the woman left the company and that’s when it hit me.

I noticed that I was a bit bummed out due to them leaving, and I started to think why could that be? Why would I care if those woman would leave or not? I mean I have a relationship, so why feel bummed out for a bit would bother me?
Is it because I like other woman aside from my wife? Am I planning to cheat on my wife?

Also I started blaming myself for opening up a lot more, I now feel I just should have tried and avoid most of the contact with the woman, but after some beers I did not fulfill that personal assignment.

Also another thing I sometimes notice is that in the company of other woman, I tend to act a bit different. Could I call it more a way to impress others? But then again, why would I want to impress other woman with jokes etc if im married, how can I stop this cheating behavior, and just not give other woman any attention??

im so lost right now, and I feel the urge to confess to my wife.

Edited by Ironborn
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Why wouldn't u be bummed? U were enjoying some company and conversation, most people feel a bit bummed when a friend has to leave early especially if u were enjoying a good night. That's it really, all the other questions etc are just OCD fluff around the situation! Stop the ruminating it will get u nowhere! Xx

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Sounds like classic OCD. As for confessing - OCD is a pretty selfish disorder. Who's going to feel better for it? You or your wife? And, the feeling of relief for you, will probably only be fleeting, and will help to reinforce your obsession. As for feeling attracted to other women, It's normal (as you're obviously heterosexual). Feeling bummed out that attractive women are leaving - to be left behind with just the blokes? Also normal. Don't let OCD make a mountain out of a molehill. And do you and your wife a favour - don't make some bloody confession.  

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6 hours ago, Wonderer said:

Why wouldn't u be bummed? U were enjoying some company and conversation, most people feel a bit bummed when a friend has to leave early especially if u were enjoying a good night. That's it really, all the other questions etc are just OCD fluff around the situation! Stop the ruminating it will get u nowhere! Xx

it just seems so unloyal towards my wife, i feel as if i've done something very bad

6 hours ago, paradoxer said:

Sounds like classic OCD. As for confessing - OCD is a pretty selfish disorder. Who's going to feel better for it? You or your wife? And, the feeling of relief for you, will probably only be fleeting, and will help to reinforce your obsession. As for feeling attracted to other women, It's normal (as you're obviously heterosexual). Feeling bummed out that attractive women are leaving - to be left behind with just the blokes? Also normal. Don't let OCD make a mountain out of a molehill. And do you and your wife a favour - don't make some bloody confession.  

in the end im aiming to feel better myself of course. which would probably not even work. going to confess these kind of things could only make my wife become maybe more suspicious and thinking that i might be hiding something really bad.

3 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Do you recognise that this is a problem caused by OCD.......and if so, what do you feel you could be doing to help approach the doubts differently?

Im not sure what i could do different? i do have CBT which could help me with that maybe

2 hours ago, OceanDweller said:

To be attracted to folk other than your partner is to be human. In truth, at my workplace it'd be easier for me to list the women I don't fancy! It's our actions, not our thoughts, that define us.

Well you are right with that, but its hard you know?

For an example, today i told a co-worker of mine i have trouble with 'attractive' woman around me, because i feel i'm doing something bad when i deep down feel attracted to them. But i cannot do anything about it its probably programmed within the primitive part of the brain.

He then answered to me that he aswell looks at woman he feels attracted to even tough they are not his partner, but now it comes... he also said that he thinks it is a bad thing to get or say so 'seek' eye contact with such a person, this comment got me very anxious, because whenever there are woman around me where i feel and know i could find them attractive i try and do alot to not get to much in contact with them, but due to the fact that im constantly occupied with not getting in contact with them it almost works the other way around. by trying to not give them any attention i actually am constantly keeping track of them, this actually causes me to have more eye contact with them then i want to. Its almost as if someone tells you to think about everything except a pink elephant... well guess what.. all i can think of from that moment is a pink elephant....

Now this eye contact really has gotten me very anxious and feeling like a terrible person, what is my next move? avoid all places where woman are? remove myself from a room if a certain woman comes walking in? what can i do?? i am so lost with this....

Edited by Ironborn
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Your anxiety over this only serves to demonstrate that you're a decent chap. The fact that you have a conscience over how you behave towards women you find attractive paints you in a positive light. Which makes it even more of a pity that this subject dominates your thoughts so unhealthily.

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The thing is, you ask how to stop cheating but you're not cheating. What you need to realize is that OCD is telling you you're cheating but OCD lies. You need to dismiss those thoughts as irrelevant.

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