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Having a Hard Time


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My boyfriend has been struggling with OCD for a few years now. He is already on anti depressants and has made appointments to talk to a counsellor but always ends up not going to the appointments. 

I am having a hard time because he makes me do his rituals for him and doesn't see why that is a problem. If I don't do the rituals he turns into a child throwing a tantrum and can even get violent. If I ever don't want to do the rituals for him he turns it around on me calling me selfish and how I only think about myself. Meanwhile I have put my life on hold these past few years for him due to his various other health reasons.

I hate doing these rituals for him. Last night for example I had to wait up for him to be ready to "check the door". I had to be up early and I work 10 hours a day but I still had to stay up later to do this one silly ritual. If I had went to bed without doing this for him he would either come wake me up later and be very very mad or he would be freaking out and crying all night.

Like I said before, whenever I try to talk to him about this he gets mad and just tells me I am a selfish person for not doing his OCD. I don't even spend much time with him anymore because all he talks about with me is OCD. 

How do I explain to him it is not healthy for our relationship to expect me to keep doing this? I am about ready to leave this relationship over this. Any advice at all would be much appreciated, thank you. 

 

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Hi chls08. Welcome to the forum. :welcome:

It must be frustrating in the extreme to be called selfish when it is your boyfriend who is clearly being selfish for insisting you comply with his demands. 

Trying to get him to accept that he mustn't do this isn't going to be easy, but is important to recovery that loved ones don't get involved in rituals or facilitate them continuing. Sometimes a bit of compromise is needed in the early stages, but the firmer you are about not 'helping' the better it is in the long term.

It may make him kick off as he's going to feel very threatened and scared at the thought of managing rituals alone and ultimately giving them up completely, but it is the only way to proceed. How to explain it to him? Pointing out it's not healthy for your relationship is one way to go, but risks him shifting the blame for his feelings onto you (as he has already been doing.) 

An alternative would be to explain the relationship has reached a crossroads and for you to have a future together the OCD needs to be tackled. Make it clear you will be tackling it as a team - the two of you against OCD. Suggest he sees his GP to be referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (the gold standard treatment for OCD.) Explain you will support him through the process and with his therapy, but as part of that therapy you will no longer be helping with rituals. This presents your non-participation as part of a new team approach to recovery rather than as you going against him.

Has he had any therapy in the past? 

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