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Help Needed. Not reassurance - just help to rationalise thoughts


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Thank you to you all. I thought I had a better morning this morning. 

I woke up and just said 'I'm not going to let this ruin my life' but I've gone back to the old ways or thinking. 

I genuinely think I'm having a mental breakdown. 

I can't seem to stop trying to work things out in my head and when I do it makes the intrusive thoughts creep back in. 

'Why would there be a white, sperm like substance in my toilet bowl, when I was the last person to use it and remember flushing it' - that's the only thing I can't get out of my head. 

I seem to forget all the other things that have made me worry and one thing becomes certain. Does that sound familiar? I'm sorry if you think I'm wasting your time - you've all been so patient and it's amazing. 

I just can't help but believe it's all true and I'm just one of the unlucky ones that this has happened to. 

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10 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

 

I can't seem to stop trying to work things out in my head and when I do it makes the intrusive thoughts creep back in. 

 

In a nutshell Elle! The (not all that well kept) secret to conquering this is to stop trying to work things out and to accept that you will never know for sure. The main difference between folk who suffer from anxiety disorders (of which OCD is one) and folk who don't is the willingness to accept uncertainty. That's your ticket out of this mental melee Elle.

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I feel like accepting the uncertainty makes it worse? I've already accepted that I have HIV, I'll lose my boyfriend and I'll die alone. We planned to have children together and travel the world. I can't do that being HIV positive. Once again, I am so sorry for this. Writing on here does help things a little. 

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2 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

I've already accepted that I have HIV, I'll lose my boyfriend and I'll die alone.

This isn't the same as accepting uncertainty though is it Elle? This is catastrophising. It's buying into the very darkest of your intrusive thoughts.

Accepting uncertainty would look more like...

'It's possible that I have HIV, just as it's possible that anyone I know could have HIV. But it's statistically very unlikely. I might lose my boyfriend one day for reasons that I cannot possibly predict. Or we might live happily ever after. Or I might be glad to see the back of him a year from now. I might die alone. I might be happy to be on my own by the time that day arrives. Because I'll have lived such a full life, uninhibited by fear, that I'll just be happy with how rich an experience it has been. Or I might die still very much loved and in love. But I have a lifetime of living to do first. And I won't waste a single day.'

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I'm now worrying that the white stuff could've been from me after going to the toilet and it was just flushing out the sperm from me after being raped. 

I'm just panicking that I was so panicked and stressed that I didn't actually realise it had come from me? And it was the rapists sperm working it's way out of me. I remember going to the toilet twice when i woke up. And it could've been before or after. 

I can't be sure now. Thanks for all your help and I'm so sorry about this. 

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5 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

I'm now worrying that the white stuff could've been from me after going to the toilet and it was just flushing out the sperm from me after being raped. 

I'm just panicking that I was so panicked and stressed that I didn't actually realise it had come from me? And it was the rapists sperm working it's way out of me. I remember going to the toilet twice when i woke up. And it could've been before or after. 

I can't be sure now. Thanks for all your help and I'm so sorry about this. 

You need to force yourself (no matter how difficult it may be) to stop dissecting the night and morning in question. You need to accept that it's not relevant to your life. What could you be doing today instead of ruminating? Immersing yourself in something engaging would benefit you lots I feel.

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7 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

You need to force yourself (no matter how difficult it may be) to stop dissecting the night and morning in question. You need to accept that it's not relevant to your life. What could you be doing today instead of ruminating? Immersing yourself in something engaging would benefit you lots I feel.

Do I sound crazy? I can't work out what's real and what's not anymore. I've been reading lots about false memories and OCD. 

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2 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

Do I sound crazy? I can't work out what's real and what's not anymore. I've been reading lots about false memories and OCD. 

I've met some crazy ladies in my time! ?You sound like someone who's allowing her thoughts to control her. Take back control Elle.

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1 hour ago, Elle101 said:

I can't work out what's real and what's not anymore. I've been reading lots about false memories and OCD. 

You've got to stop trying to work it out.  Stop reading and researching about OCD.  You've to stop writing and re-writing the details down.  Let the anxiety slap you in the face, ride through it by doing something else.....cooking dinner, playing a game, doing a puzzle, tidying a cupboard.  When the anxiety strikes, identify what you feel compelled to do to bring the anxiety down.....and resist doing it.  Let that first wave of anxiety hit you but do nothing, just be aware of it and accept it for what it is.  Don't head for the computer or ask a friend or take any action designed to ease the anxiety.  I know it seems the opposite of what you want to do but you need to walk towards the fear rather than head away from it.

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I'm convinced it happened though. Im

now convinced that the white stuff in the toilet was actually from me and it was after i had a wee. It was definitely sperm. I feel like I've been blocking out what actually happened and it's now coming into clear focus. 

I'm sorry I know I'm ignoring your advice but I'm thinking of ways to end this now. I can't carry on like this. I've never felt like this before.

What if this isn't OCD? What if I'm blocking out what actually happened and just assuming it's my OCD? 

 

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1 hour ago, Elle101 said:

I'm convinced it happened though.

People with OCD are always convinced by the thing that they fear, whatever it is.  If it didn't feel 100% real we wouldn't have the problem we do, would we? :)

1 hour ago, Elle101 said:

What if this isn't OCD? What if I'm blocking out what actually happened and just assuming it's my OCD?

"What if", those are two of the main words that sustain and maintain OCD.  You're afraid of having HIV and dying and yet, you talk of ending it.  There's a sort of irony in that.

1 hour ago, Elle101 said:

I'm sorry I know I'm ignoring your advice

We can only advise but it's sad when people don't try to put the advice to use.  Yes, you're very afraid but it's the things that you're doing that are heightening that fear and making you feel even worse.

Come on Elle, give it a try, you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain :)

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1 hour ago, Caramoole said:

People with OCD are always convinced by the thing that they fear, whatever it is.  If it didn't feel 100% real we wouldn't have the problem we do, would we? :)

"What if", those are two of the main words that sustain and maintain OCD.  You're afraid of having HIV and dying and yet, you talk of ending it.  There's a sort of irony in that.

We can only advise but it's sad when people don't try to put the advice to use.  Yes, you're very afraid but it's the things that you're doing that are heightening that fear and making you feel even worse.

Come on Elle, give it a try, you really have nothing to lose and everything to gain :)

All I can say is you're amazing. Thank you so much. Acceptance is key. You're right, when you begin to accept your worst fear - it loosens its grip. I may not be saying this in the morning but I've turned a corner today. 

NONE of this is my fault. I'm prepared for what the future holds. I read my previous posts and think where did the strong independent Elle go? I'm proud of myself for making a step forward. 

Thank you so much for helping me. 

P.s - I'll probably be ranting and worrying again tomorrow so savour this! Haha  

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3 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

P.s - I'll probably be ranting and worrying again tomorrow so savour this! Haha  

I've no doubt!!  And I'll be bending your ear again :a1_cheesygrin:

Seriously, we are/all have been sufferers here so we do know a bit about this :; I've had years of making mistakes, as have most....so it's important we share that knowledge and help others to get beyond those mistakes a bit faster than we did.  It's easy when you're stood on the outside looking in, I do understand how convincing the fears are when they're hammering you at full belt......but they are just fears caused by OCD and extreme anxiety.  Hang in there and work hard on resisting those compulsions, the urge to get pulled in is strong but you ARE actually stronger.  Good Luck

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5 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I've no doubt!!  And I'll be bending your ear again :a1_cheesygrin:

Seriously, we are/all have been sufferers here so we do know a bit about this :; I've had years of making mistakes, as have most....so it's important we share that knowledge and help others to get beyond those mistakes a bit faster than we did.  It's easy when you're stood on the outside looking in, I do understand how convincing the fears are when they're hammering you at full belt......but they are just fears caused by OCD and extreme anxiety.  Hang in there and work hard on resisting those compulsions, the urge to get pulled in is strong but you ARE actually stronger.  Good Luck

Touch wood - I'm still okay! I'm praying I sleep in later than 6am! 

Thanks once again for all your help. I'm trying to remember how I feel now. If I feel bad in the morning I want to look at this post and know everything is okay (or that it CAN be with the right attitude) I'm smiling for the first time in 8 days ? Maybe it's because I've had a pizza and a glass of prosecco! 

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21 hours ago, Caramoole said:

I've no doubt!!  And I'll be bending your ear again :a1_cheesygrin:

Seriously, we are/all have been sufferers here so we do know a bit about this :; I've had years of making mistakes, as have most....so it's important we share that knowledge and help others to get beyond those mistakes a bit faster than we did.  It's easy when you're stood on the outside looking in, I do understand how convincing the fears are when they're hammering you at full belt......but they are just fears caused by OCD and extreme anxiety.  Hang in there and work hard on resisting those compulsions, the urge to get pulled in is strong but you ARE actually stronger.  Good Luck

Fears are creeping back in again. Trying my best to knock them on the head. Just can't believe how lovely I felt last night. I thought it might be easier today. 

I did sleep in until 10am though - positive! 

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41 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

Trying my best to knock them on the head

Just beware how you do this because although you need to ignore them, you also have to be careful not to supress them or push them away.  You need to acknowledge that they are as a result of OCD, troublesome but meaningless.  Also, don't try working them out as that will slip into rumination in the bat of an eye.  It can take as little as one rogue thought to spin us back into the anxiety loop if we're not careful.  And remember, this won't go right overnight, there will be bumps in the road

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4 hours ago, Caramoole said:

Just beware how you do this because although you need to ignore them, you also have to be careful not to supress them or push them away.  You need to acknowledge that they are as a result of OCD, troublesome but meaningless.  Also, don't try working them out as that will slip into rumination in the bat of an eye.  It can take as little as one rogue thought to spin us back into the anxiety loop if we're not careful.  And remember, this won't go right overnight, there will be bumps in the road

I know you'll think I've taken a step back so I'm sorry but thoughts have been triggered again. 

When I realised the door was open in the morning (9am) I was convinced I'd locked it the night before as mentioned in previous posts - so I tried lots of variations of leaving it off the latch and left it off the latch (just to get some piece of mind regarding what it would be like off the latch) 

I went into the shower and got back into be with my towel on and fell asleep again for 2.5 hours. I was naked under the towel. 

Im now worried that somebody came in at that time and raped me?! My memory is very hazy and I remember tossing and turning lots and being quite hot and bothered. 

I'm worried that I actually was raped but because I was so worried about the previous incident I've only started worrying about it now. I now think I'm having flashbacks of something happening but I can't be sure if I'm imagining them. 

What's going on with my brain? I cant rationlise this at all. 

I keep taking 1 step forward and 20 steps back. 

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Because you keep going over it in your head, again and again. Your post above is evidence of that. You've already explained what the perceived situation is. There's no point going over it again and again here on the forum but you do. That's you ruminating and all it is doing is keeping you stuck.

You think you have to go over it just one more time to try and get clarity but it doesn't work. The clarity you seek doesn't exist. You must reign in your ruminating if you want to get past this. You can't think your way to wellness. You have to let it go.

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13 hours ago, Elle101 said:

What's going on with my brain? I cant rationlise this at all. 

What's going on in your brain?  Same explanation as yesterday, OCD!

As PB has explained, as long as you try to work this out by going over it, it will keep bothering you.  The OCD brain will continue to entertain itself as long as you indulge it.

Writing down the events of that evening (as you've done again above) is just a form of rumination.  Why have you written it?  It's not for our benefit, you've already explained the situation that bothers you.  You're writing it down to try and work it out, to find clarity.  You won't.

As I said yesterday, this is going to keep challenging you and you have to be ready for that and ready resist the urge to ruminate, to solve it.  Doing so is strengthening how much of a hold OCD will have over you.  Many (most) people make the mistake of being comforted by that initial Light Bulb Moment when they think....."Phew, it's only OCD" only to be knocked flat on their back a couple of hours later when that same old thought, that doubt comes back.  It will, and will do many times.  Work at reducing and resisting the compulsions and it will gradually get easier, continue with compulsions and your OCD inflamed brain will play with you like a cat with a mouse.

It's not easy Elle.....like weight-training, like a diet, learning a new language, driving a car......it needs practise each and every day for it to work, the results are not instant.

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6 hours ago, Caramoole said:

What's going on in your brain?  Same explanation as yesterday, OCD!

As PB has explained, as long as you try to work this out by going over it, it will keep bothering you.  The OCD brain will continue to entertain itself as long as you indulge it.

Writing down the events of that evening (as you've done again above) is just a form of rumination.  Why have you written it?  It's not for our benefit, you've already explained the situation that bothers you.  You're writing it down to try and work it out, to find clarity.  You won't.

As I said yesterday, this is going to keep challenging you and you have to be ready for that and ready resist the urge to ruminate, to solve it.  Doing so is strengthening how much of a hold OCD will have over you.  Many (most) people make the mistake of being comforted by that initial Light Bulb Moment when they think....."Phew, it's only OCD" only to be knocked flat on their back a couple of hours later when that same old thought, that doubt comes back.  It will, and will do many times.  Work at reducing and resisting the compulsions and it will gradually get easier, continue with compulsions and your OCD inflamed brain will play with you like a cat with a mouse.

It's not easy Elle.....like weight-training, like a diet, learning a new language, driving a car......it needs practise each and every day for it to work, the results are not instant.

It's all about acceptance! I just need to ignore it all. There is absolutely NOTHING I can do about it. 

Feeling more positive and happy about it. Is it the fact I've been for a long walk? I keep telling myself that NONE of this is my fault. I haven't done anything wrong, if my worst fear occurred there is absolutely nothing I can do about it and I will just have to be strong.

I am a strong person and I have to live in the moment. People are dying, being killed, losing loved ones and I shouldn't take it for granted. 

Whatever happens I will deal with it. 

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