Help Needed. Not reassurance - just help to rationalise thoughts

[Elle101]

Okay - so I'm sorry to post again but I'm going insane. Not looking for reassurance but a way to rationalise my thoughts. 

I met two males on Friday (one heterosexual/one bi-sexual) not that it matters and we had really lovely discussions and they ended up coming back to my apartment for a late night drink (nothing untoward) When I told them to leave they did and I got into bed. 

I woke up to realise that I hadn't locked my door and I keep convincing myself that I was raped and was unaware because I was so heavily sedated. My tights and pants were off but not my dress. I can't remember taking them off but I'm not sure if it's just my anxiety making me go crazy. 

I've since contacted both men and they are adamant that they left straight away and didn't come back. I'm now scared that if it wasn't them someone else could've come in. 

Ive convinced myself that someone has come in and raped me whilst I was asleep and left. I woke up feeling upset and disorientated. Now I'm convinced that I have contracted HIV through the rape whilst being heavily sedated. I can't stop thinking about it. I've mentally prepared myself for being diagnosed with HIV and I'm scared.

Ill lose my boyfriend, home, job and any chance of having a normal life.

Why can't I shake this feeling? It's ruining my life. I just want to shake it off and feel like me again. I'm sorry for being a moaner

[Juliex]

Hi Elle

Sorry you're having a tough time at the moment.  Here are some of the thing that (usually) help me (I say that because my anxiety is high at the moment but I have years in between when I'm fine, but it's taken years of practice, I'm 46 now).

One thing is remembering that it's not WHAT we are thinking about that is important, is HOW we are thinking.  It doesn't matter what the subject is, its the same pattern with ocd.  The pattern of not being able to let go, looking for certainty, thinking up ways in which even though it's unlikely, it could be true, etc.

To truly be free of ocd Dr Jonathan Grayson says that we need to accept, fully, that what we fear might be true.  Please don't quote me on this, it's a while since I read his book....but what he meant was that we can't just pretend to accept, we have to 'go there.'  

So, the solution is a tough one but ultimately is what CBT and ERP are for, actually considering the possibility that what you're imagining, happened and all the scenarios that could play out from that.  It's not for the faint hearted.  It's about sitting with the fear.  It's really tough but I believe it's the only way out.

Reassurance works for a while, but only short term and then people with ocd are back looking for more, because of the endless loop in thinking.  Remember its HOW you're thinking that's the issue, not WHAT you're thinking about.  

Hope some of this helps.  

 

[Juliex]

Accepting that what we fear could be true is hard though, and some people need to work with a therapist on this to do it in a gradual way. So only take what helps you and/or work through things with a therapist  :-)

[PhilM]

OK again just my view - you are not going insane (what does that word even mean?) - you are in the grips of a very cruel anxiety-based condition where your mind can trick you into believing things have happened or you/me have done something we haven't. You are not a moaner - you are in the grips (it seems as I don't know you) in as I reiterate a very cunning disorder that can run riot without support, advice and treatment. I wish you all the best and I hope in my own clumsy way I have offered you something constructive to ponder. Best wishes, Phil.

[PolarBear]

Elle, this is the second thread you've started on this subject. I'll tell you that contacting both of those men was a compulsion and did no good. All the thinking you've been doing about that night is also a compulsion and will do no good. In fact, it's making things worse. It is cementing in your mind that there really is a problem, making you want to do more compulsions.

What you are experiencing is nothing more than OCD. You have no evidence that anything happened but OCD is telling you that something might have. You have to put this into perspective and do your best to drop the subject, refusing to get into mind debates over it.

[paradoxer]

12 hours ago, Juliex said:

Hi Elle

Sorry you're having a tough time at the moment.  Here are some of the thing that (usually) help me (I say that because my anxiety is high at the moment but I have years in between when I'm fine, but it's taken years of practice, I'm 46 now).

One thing is remembering that it's not WHAT we are thinking about that is important, is HOW we are thinking.  It doesn't matter what the subject is, its the same pattern with ocd.  The pattern of not being able to let go, looking for certainty, thinking up ways in which even though it's unlikely, it could be true, etc.

To truly be free of ocd Dr Jonathan Grayson says that we need to accept, fully, that what we fear might be true.  Please don't quote me on this, it's a while since I read his book....but what he meant was that we can't just pretend to accept, we have to 'go there.'  

So, the solution is a tough one but ultimately is what CBT and ERP are for, actually considering the possibility that what you're imagining, happened and all the scenarios that could play out from that.  It's not for the faint hearted.  It's about sitting with the fear.  It's really tough but I believe it's the only way out.

Reassurance works for a while, but only short term and then people with ocd are back looking for more, because of the endless loop in thinking.  Remember its HOW you're thinking that's the issue, not WHAT you're thinking about.  

Hope some of this helps.  

 

Excellent advice - and your gentle post script is good too. 

[Elle101]

Thanks guys. I read through the posts when I'm having a bad morning. Why are the mornings always worse? My evenings tend to be a lot easier x 

[OceanDweller]

4 hours ago, Elle101 said:

Thanks guys. I read through the posts when I'm having a bad morning. Why are the mornings always worse? My evenings tend to be a lot easier x 

I find mornings particularly bothersome Elle. I've read on a number of occasions that serotonin levels tend to be lower upon waking. Plus we have the day to negotiate. Camomile tea, lavender candles and a good film are my perfect recipe for a relaxing evening. And I've made myself sound like a lady! Again.

[Elle101]

I'm having a particularly bad day today. Convinced I've got HIV and am preparing for the worst. I'm convinced someone raped me whilst I was unaware and that I've contracted the virus. I'm also convinced that I was drugged prior to this happening so I wouldn't have any recollection. 

I haven't eaten in 6 days - my weight has plummeted and I feel like I can't go on. I've been reading about HIV all day and all night and it's taking over my life. I feel like I'm in a bad dream and I can't wake up from it. I really feel numb and like I can't carry on living. 

Im convinced I've got HIV and my worry is telling people and my boyfriend. He promises that he wouldn't leave me but I know its lies. Who would want to be stuck with a dying, infected HIV positive woman who was raped? I am going out of my mind. I'm getting myself booked in for a 10 day post exposure test on Tuesday but it's going to cost me around £200. It's the only way. I know I've got the virus - I went to see the doctor and she told me I should've taken anti HIV medication if I was worried and it's made me worry even more. 

I feel like I can't go on living. 

Sorry for the rant 

[californiadreaming]

Hi Elle,

Without trying to reassure you too much, I've had this theme before. Guess how many times I've found out I had HIV? Zero. I took a million tests and guess how many made me feel better. Yep, zero.

I would advise you not to take the 10 day test because your mind will continue to spiral. You are taking the test which is cementing that the thought is actually real in your head all while you have no real evidence that something happened. Does that make sense? Hugs to you. I'm dealing with the same thing, but have been able to calm down the thoughts a bit. Are you in treatment? I felt it helped me A LOT. Hugs to you, I know how horrible this can be. 

[OceanDweller]

I have a question Elle...

What are you going to do the next time a night out is scheduled? Even if you resist alcohol, will you be able to enjoy the occasion in spite of the potential drugging  risk?

Taking the test is a compulsion. Personally, I'd be spending my £200 on a course of intensive CBT.

[worriedjohn]

On 4/11/2017 at 00:31, Juliex said:

Hi Elle

Sorry you're having a tough time at the moment.  Here are some of the thing that (usually) help me (I say that because my anxiety is high at the moment but I have years in between when I'm fine, but it's taken years of practice, I'm 46 now).

One thing is remembering that it's not WHAT we are thinking about that is important, is HOW we are thinking.  It doesn't matter what the subject is, its the same pattern with ocd.  The pattern of not being able to let go, looking for certainty, thinking up ways in which even though it's unlikely, it could be true, etc.

To truly be free of ocd Dr Jonathan Grayson says that we need to accept, fully, that what we fear might be true.  Please don't quote me on this, it's a while since I read his book....but what he meant was that we can't just pretend to accept, we have to 'go there.'  

So, the solution is a tough one but ultimately is what CBT and ERP are for, actually considering the possibility that what you're imagining, happened and all the scenarios that could play out from that.  It's not for the faint hearted.  It's about sitting with the fear.  It's really tough but I believe it's the only way out.

Reassurance works for a while, but only short term and then people with ocd are back looking for more, because of the endless loop in thinking.  Remember its HOW you're thinking that's the issue, not WHAT you're thinking about.  

Hope some of this helps.  

 

Very good advice indeed. Although sound very cruel when you are in grip of OCD but it is actually true. OCD plays with our lack of ability to accept the possibility of our worst fear. That's why OCD choose the subject which is against our strongest core values. When you begin to accept the possibility of your worst fear being true, OCD begins to loose its grip on you. Problem with OCD is resistance. When you abandon the resistance to the fear, OCD has no more weapon against you.  I myself suffer from similar OCD as yours (fear that I may have done something awful in past). I am still working on accepting my worst fear. I realize when I do exposure, I just pretend to accept and don't really accept it. But if I can, OCD will no longer bother me.

Edited April 14, 2017 by worriedjohn

[Caramoole]

On 10/04/2017 at 19:48, Elle101 said:

Not looking for reassurance but a way to rationalise my thoughts

You say you're not looking for reassurance but it's very important you understand what "reassurance-seeking" is, because I can assure you that you are seeking reassurance.

a) opening the same/similar thread asking for help to "rationalixe my thoughts".  That really means help me work through this so that I can convince myself that this is OCD, that nothing happened.

b) Going over the sequence of events in your mind trying to "remember" exactly what happened = Rumination, carried out to reassure yourself

c) Contacting the men = checking in order to be reassured

d) Going to the doctors to check you're okay = Wanting to be reassured

e) Checking things with your boyfriend = Seeking reassurance that everything will be okay and he won't leave you

f) Booking the HIV test = another attempt to check and find positive reassurance that everything's okay

On 10/04/2017 at 19:48, Elle101 said:

Why can't I shake this feeling? It's ruining my life. I just want to shake it off and feel like me again

Why?  Because your life has become an endless cycle of compulsions and that's why you can't shake it off.  Because you are giving this 100% attention, it is (and will) give you 100% pain.  You have to work hard to accept this is OCD and "know" that you are going to feel a very strong urge to do all the above things to solve it.  You can't solve it that way.  You are anxious anyway, so be anxious resisting the compulsions and when you do the anxiety and that overwhelming doubt will die down.  I know it's tough but you can do this

[PolarBear]

In addition to Caramooles excellent post, stop researching HIV. It's a compulsion and is only serving to keep you stuck. 

You should not be going for the test. It's a compulsion. The problem is, when it comes back negative, you won't accept that as the final answer. Doubt will return and you'll do more research and you'll want to go for another test. This won't end until you put your foot down.

[Elle101]

I feel like I'm in a bad dream and can't wake up. I can't sleep! I've now convinced myself I had a tampon in that evening (I was coming to the end of the my period) and it was removed when I woke up. Which means that I've definitely been raped or interered with as I know I didn't take it out before bed. I didn't have this thought straight away but one week later. I've been obsessing over it since last night and haven't been able to eat or sleep. 

This is cruel, so cruel. 

[Elle101]

When I took my tampon out after putting one in the day after I remember seeing white stuff on it (as well as the brown end of cycle blood) I'm so worried that this is semen and that it definitely means I was raped. 

Im also worried because I had been drinking and I had some weed that the weed was a peculiar strain that makes you forget things that happen to you. 

I honestly can't live like this anymore. I genuinely feel like I want to end things. I know it's selfish but I am so convinced I was raped and i now have HIV. 

Please can someone help me.

[Elle101]

Can anyone give me advice? I'm so sorry. Just going crazy thinking about it. 

[Elle101]

I also woke up and noticed there was a thick white substance floating on my toilet water. (This isn't me overthinking anything - it was 100 percent there) 

I've noticed it once before so didn't think anymore of it. 

Now im convinced it was semen. 

Has anyone else had anything like this happen? Weird white stuff floating on toilet water after flushing? 

 

Im going insane! 

[Caramoole]

2 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

Im going insane! 

No you're not at all, you're in a heightened state of anxiety because you're getting pulled into the OCD cycle of trying to use compulsions to sort things out.  Unfortunately, this won't help you, it makes things worse.

You're ruminating (thinking over) like mad to try and work this out.

Have you tried to resist ruminating, going over things?

 

[Caramoole]

4 hours ago, Elle101 said:

Im also worried because I had been drinking and I had some weed that the weed was a peculiar strain that makes you forget things that happen to you.

I should just add that drinking to excess and smoking weed is a disaster to OCD sufferers and one has to ask oneself if it's worth the fall-out

[PolarBear]

What you need to realize is it is your compulsions that are driving your perceived insanity. Compulsions can be controlled but you have to work at them.

[OceanDweller]

16 minutes ago, Caramoole said:

I should just add that drinking to excess and smoking weed is a disaster to OCD sufferers and one has to ask oneself if it's worth the fall-out

I would second this. Me plus OCD plus booze plus gear equals admission to acute psychiatric unit. Some of us just aren't designed to withstand mind-altering substances.

[Elle101]

Thank you for replying to me. It honestly means so much to me. It makes things so much easier. 

When you read my posts - do they seem irrational? This is what I can't work out. I play them out in my head and they seem they like make perfect sense and that there's absolutely nothing that can be wrong about them. 

Do you ever feel suicidal? I've never felt like this before. I'm convinced I have HIV and just need to end it now before I receive my diagnosis. 

I can't get over the weird white substance in the toilet. It must have been from the rapist. It wasn't me. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm sorry that you have to read this. 

[OceanDweller]

2 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

Thank you for replying to me. It honestly means so much to me. It makes things so much easier. 

When you read my posts - do they seem irrational? This is what I can't work out. I play them out in my head and they seem they like make perfect sense and that there's absolutely nothing that can be wrong about them. 

Do you ever feel suicidal? I've never felt like this before. I'm convinced I have HIV and just need to end it now before I receive my diagnosis. 

I can't get over the weird white substance in the toilet. It must have been from the rapist. It wasn't me. I can't deal with this anymore. I'm sorry that you have to read this. 

Elle. Your posts seem irrational to the point of absurdity (gosh - maybe I should've taken the time to sugarcoat that!).

Anyway... the scenario that your mind has created (and that you're feeding) is the stuff of nightmares and David Lynch films, not reality.

I implore you not to take the test. It would be a giant leap away from rationality. You need to accept that this is all complete nonsense and return to your life.

[Caramoole]

27 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

When you read my posts - do they seem irrational?

A sneaky attempt at seeking reassurance there 

 

28 minutes ago, Elle101 said:

This is what I can't work out. I play them out in my head

This  is the area that you need to work at.  When you find your brain getting pulled into this rumination cycle, that's where you need to actively become aware of what you're doing and resist doing it.  Stop the conversation because it is you that's creating it in the vain attemp of working things out.  Even when you do this successfully it won't be long before you feel that urge to think it through just one more time......again, be aware of what's happening, that you can stop yourself from doing this.  It will kepp happening but you keep diverting away from that internal conversation.

Come on Elle......start working on changing this OCD cycle and things will start to calm down and improve