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Help please with my relationship obsessions


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Hello friends, I have OCD but my OCD in particular happens to be very focused on my romantic/sexual relationships. I've had this OCD theme for awhile...it's either that my OCD fears my partner is going to leave/cheat on me, or I'm scared I will break up the relationship somehow. I just started to see this extremely beautiful woman and she's perfect. Except...my ocd is fixated on one aspect of her physical appearance being her weight.

She's I guess the biggest woman I've ever been with. I constantly am now having intrusive thoughts that I am not attracted to her because she is "fat." Whenever I look at her I get thoughts saying I'm not as physically attracted to her as I should be or the way I see/feel about her physically is incorrect. It's driving me nuts because I like her a lot and she's very beautiful but my ocd is just convinced I will be unhappy because of the weight issues .

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You're only human. Of course you would like a thinner option. She's not perfect, she's human too, and she has an imperfection, as we all do.

Just accept that and focus on something else.

My boyfriend isn't as attracted to me since I put on 20 pounds. So what? There are others things that count in a relationship. Really, speaking from a bigger girl perspective, I don't mind you would like me to be thinner. I would too, lol.

Good thing your OCD lies!!

Your thoughts are thoughts everyone else have. They don't mean anything most of the time, really.

So what if you had this thought, that you wouldn't be happy because of her weight? It's just a thought. Brain digestion. Let it be.

I speak from experience. One day I got so mad that my boyfriend has a belly, I don't know why. Really, I let it be and it passed.

I struggled so many years with ROCD. I always thought of finding the most perfect partner and that I would love him and like everything about him, and when I got my bf three years ago, I too struggled with a lot of thoughts about the fact that he doesn't love me or i don't love him, we had a lot of ugly fights for two years.

But in the last year or so I just started to accept this thoughts. I still have a lot of work to do, but now all sorts of thoughts like this can pass through my mind, and I don't mind them, do nothing about them. And they soon fade away.

We are not perfect and the relationships aren't like in the movies. But it's surely nice when you discover that you both have quircks and you just get along so well. When you stop chasing after that perfect someone and you realise that that perfect someone doesn't have to be so perfect at all for him/her to be perfect for you.

Of course we worry about these things, everyone does, because we have the fear of being alone, and other fears. Like the fear that we didn't find a suitable partner for us. They are normal.

We have to accept the uncertainty and dive into the darkness with this, bet all our money on someone and in time see if our "money" were worth investing. That's all.

Make sure you identify your compulsions and stop doing them, accept that you have that fear but act according to what you truly want to do.

In a relationship it doesn't matter what you THINK, but what you DO :) and say.

I would also reccomend you CBT, even if your OCD is not severe. A little help never hurts!

Edited by chaosed
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47 minutes ago, paradoxer said:

Sounds like standard issue OCD - remember if it's not one thing it'll be something else. 

what do you mean? the fact that we could change themes? (and we do)

Yes, it's true, we have to learn how to tackle intrusive thoughts in general, no matter the theme, otherwise the theme will change. But starting with your current theme looks like a good point to start.

I forgot to mention, there are a lot of girls who would live you cold turkey if you mention something about losing weight. Especially in the early stages of the relationship. Even though you would like her to be thin, and she would too, it's something about a girl's pride. I would suggest approaching the subject with causion, and only after things get serious. So don't get reassurance from her. If you mention something about her weight, make sure you don't do it because of your fears, but in the best interest of her. As far as OCD is concerned, depending on what you wish to tell her about it, you could mention this fear, but only when she understands how OCD works, and, again, when things are serious.

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In the very early stages of a relationship you should be overcome with desire at the mere prospect of seeing your beloved in the buff! It doesn't bode well if you're already identifying things you'd like to change about her (trust me - there'll be plenty of time for that later!).

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1 hour ago, OceanDweller said:

In the very early stages of a relationship you should be overcome with desire at the mere prospect of seeing your beloved in the buff! It doesn't bode well if you're already identifying things you'd like to change about her (trust me - there'll be plenty of time for that later!).

excuse me, but have you dealt with ROCD? I don't think that a big body is THAT hard to identify, and nowhere does he said that he would like that thing to change.

Edited by chaosed
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17 hours ago, Thistooshallpass said:

having intrusive thoughts that I am not attracted to her because she is "fat."

 

13 minutes ago, chaosed said:

excuse me, but have you dealt with ROCD? I don't think that a big body is THAT hard to identify, and nowhere does he said that he would like that thing to change.

Yes I have chaosed. I don't believe that I intimated that a big body is hard to identify, though a sense of humour (or lack thereof) is even easier to spot. ?

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I turned down someone I was head over heels with one time because he left his girlfriend to be with me, and I feared he would leave me to be with another girl. lol. so don't underestimate the ROCD. If you don't want to be with someone, you wont. If you want, you could worry about 1000 different things

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11 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

 

Yes I have chaosed. I don't believe that I intimated that a big body is hard to identify, though a sense of humour (or lack thereof) is even easier to spot. ?

I don't see it, he said that he has intrusive thoughts about not being attracted to her, not that he is not attracted to her.

To say he should be head over heels with her and have no intrusive thoughts about it, it's like saying people it doesn't bode well for people with POCD to have thoughts about molesting a child when they see him.

Who are we to judge the intrusive thoughts someone might have at any moment and jump to conclusions about what that person feels about his or her partner because of it.

Edited by chaosed
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6 minutes ago, chaosed said:

I don't see it, he said that he has intrusive thoughts about not being attracted to her, not that he is not attracted to her.

To say he should be head over heels with her and have no intrusive thoughts about it, it's like saying people it doesn't bode well for people with POCD to have thoughts about molesting a child when they see him.

Who are we to judge the intrusive thoughts someone might have at any moment and jump to conclusions about what that person feels about his or her partner because of it.

You've misunderstood me chaosed (and taken it upon yourself to become offended in the process).

My point was (and remains) that if it transpires the thoughts are not OCD-based, then beginning a romantic relationship hung-up about one's partner's weight is not the best of starts.

You may disagree, and that's your prerogative.

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4 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

You've misunderstood me chaosed (and taken it upon yourself to become offended in the process).

My point was (and remains) that if it transpires the thoughts are not OCD-based, then beginning a romantic relationship hung-up about one's partner's weight is not the best of starts.

You may disagree, and that's your prerogative.

Yes, because every time someone disagrees with you it means s/he is offended. I know too well. What a world we live in....

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I'm not sure where in my post it came off that I'm not okay with her being bigger... that's actually what I was avoiding. I've dated all sorts of girls with different physical appearences and my OCD always latches onto a part of my girlfriend's appearence to convince me I'm not as attracted and will break up.

I don't want to change her or ask her to lose weight... I thought I made it clear that these thoughts are forced and I really don't like them.  And I'm not having these thoughts on purpose so I know they're bad to have in the beginning eitherway.

I just wanted advice how to deal with the thoughts telling me I'm not as attracted to her because of the weight...not advice on telling her to lose weight. She's very beautiful and I don't care if she gains 100 more pounds..it's just my ocd bothering me.

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3 minutes ago, Thistooshallpass said:

I'm not sure where in my post it came off that I'm not okay with her being bigger... that's actually what I was avoiding. I've dated all sorts of girls with different physical appearences and my OCD always latches onto a part of my girlfriend's appearence to convince me I'm not as attracted and will break up.

I don't want to change her or ask her to lose weight... I thought I made it clear that these thoughts are forced and I really don't like them.  And I'm not having these thoughts on purpose so I know they're bad to have in the beginning eitherway.

I just wanted advice how to deal with the thoughts telling me I'm not as attracted to her because of the weight...not advice on telling her to lose weight. She's very beautiful and I don't care if she gains 100 more pounds..it's just my ocd bothering me.

Have you ever had CBT to explore this theme? If it's something that you've experienced with previous partners too, it might be worth working on with a skilled therapist. In the meantime, I would endeavour to celebrate all that you dig about this girl. You describe her in your original post as being perfect. Challenge any and all thoughts you have that contradict that perception, at least until you've had the opportunity to establish what's driving your obsessive thinking.

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On 4/12/2017 at 23:40, chaosed said:

what do you mean? the fact that we could change themes? (and we do)

Yes, it's true, we have to learn how to tackle intrusive thoughts in general, no matter the theme, otherwise the theme will change. But starting with your current theme looks like a good point to start.

I forgot to mention, there are a lot of girls who would live you cold turkey if you mention something about losing weight. Especially in the early stages of the relationship. Even though you would like her to be thin, and she would too, it's something about a girl's pride. I would suggest approaching the subject with causion, and only after things get serious. So don't get reassurance from her. If you mention something about her weight, make sure you don't do it because of your fears, but in the best interest of her. As far as OCD is concerned, depending on what you wish to tell her about it, you could mention this fear, but only when she understands how OCD works, and, again, when things are serious.

Well, yes, OCD invariably morphs, and knowing that can sometimes give you an advantage - as a motivator. It's a reminder how inane, random, and meaningless the bully of OCD is. You might give in to this ritual, but it's pointless because soon enough something else will come along. 

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