Sexual obsessions, can't tell what's real anymore

[Katie Rhiain]

When I was 15 I began obsessing over whether or not I was sexually attracted to animals. At the time I had no idea that I had OCD or that intrusive thoughts were an OCD symptom, so these thoughts were extremely distressing to me. I would make up scenarios in my head and sit and think about them, to try to prove to myself that I wasn't attracted to animals, but it didn't work because the thoughts didn't upset me and I sometimes became completely unsure of whether or not I really felt this way or not. I guess I thought about it so much I just lost all sense of how I really felt, it's now been 7 years and I've known I have OCD for around 3 years. I've had many other obsessions since then, am I sexually attracted to objects? A family member? The same sex? Lots of things like that, but the animals one is one that stayed with me all these years even now, it's just one I can't brush off and I'm not sure why. Is it because it occurred at a time when I didn't know I had OCD so really doubted it, is it because I fuelled it so much that it's now drilled into my head? I can go months without thinking about it and NEVER during that time do I feel any kind of urge or desire to do anything to an animal, but when the thoughts come back I'm not able to identify them as intrusive thoughts and it makes me doubt everything even more and I'm in a constant cycle of obsessing over this, then obsessing over whether its OCD or not. 

Has anybody else felt this way? Has anybody else obsessed over something to the point the thoughts are completely normal to you now rather than being distressing, so you're doubtful of whether or not they're OCD thoughts at all?

I try to tell myself if they were really I'd feel a genuine attraction, a genuine urge, not just obsessing over it when something triggers the thoughts. Although every time I'm exposed to a certain animal it is there in the back of my mind even if I'm not obsessing over it, I suppose because I've spent so many years obsessing over it it's just drilled into my brain now. Does anybody else have something like this and have any advice or encouraging words? Although realising I never feel anything when I'm not obsessing, I remember a time I was 13 and going through puberty and so hormones were everywhere, I felt an urge to do something to a pet because I was so anxious (still am) I never could have done anything sexual with another person who could look at me, know what was going on, touch me etc, I was far too shy and rather enjoyed the idea of just doing it on my own. This only happened this one time and I didn't even do it, but it makes me doubt everything, it makes me wonder if all of this is even OCD or if it's real because of that incident, because it didn't bother me and I thought it was a good idea. 

I am just having such trouble fighting this and I am so afraid of being judged as it's such a stupid, horrible, disgusting thing to obsess about but the thought just don't bother me anymore and it's got to w point I feel like just dying because I have such trouble telling whether or not it's OCD or real

please tell me I'm not alone, after 7 years I am drained and I don't know what to do. I'm in therapy and it's not really helping.

[OceanDweller]

Hi Katie

This sounds unmistakably like OCD to me.

My obsessive thoughts (like those of so many others') attach themselves to that which would be considered the most abhorrent act imaginable. Sexual obsessive thinking (whether about animals, family members or minors) is extemely common. I'm going to be vigilant against offering you any more reassurance then this (as that in itself can create further difficulties) however I will reiterate that I am convinced this is OCD and nothing more sinister.

May I ask, is it cognitive therapy in which you're currently engaged?

[Unsurechap]

Hi can empathise on the thoughts about same sex, children and family members. Its horrendous and its difficult to work out who you truly are and if these are actual sexual desires. I can't offer a huge amount of support as i'm struggling myself at the moment but i guess you should go with what makes you smile and happy.

[Mani]

Irrational thoughts can fought only by thinking rationally and standing by it. 

Pm me.

[PolarBear]

Actually, you can't rationalize with an irrational thing. OCD is irrational. What you can do is ignore it.

[paradoxer]

3 hours ago, PolarBear said:

Actually, you can't rationalize with an irrational thing. OCD is irrational. What you can do is ignore it.

^ Best answer here.

Katie, it looks like you're a relative newbie. Welcome to the forum. Want to sabotage OCD? Don't even engage with the question. Incidentally, it's certainly the case that even good therapy isn't a blithe guarantee to make the disorder vanish, but is your therapist experienced in dealing with OCD?  

[Poirot]

Firstly, thank you so much for having the courage to post all of this so honestly.  I can honestly tell you that I 100% relate to everything you had to say and that my OCD takes on an almost identical form.  Despite it being such a common OCD theme and something that is therefore well-known to psychologists as part of the disease, I certainly find it extremely hard, almost impossible, to talk about.  

Secondly, yes.  I do feel as though I have been somewhat desensitised, but I've been able to incorporate this into what I think is a healthier way of dealing with the thoughts than getting upset at them every time.  It's a catch-22 because we feel upset at the thoughts and we hate feeling so upset all the time, but then when the thoughts no longer bother us, that can make us upset.  It really shouldn't though, because thoughts are just thoughts and that's a lot of what they teach you during CBT.  

I cannot recommend strongly enough that you see a psychologist specialising in OCD and do some CBT.  Without giving reassurance, having read what you've posted I can say with conviction that yes it's OCD and no you aren't attracted to animals, or anything else you may be worried about.  Therapy can be confronting sometimes because a lot of it is about teaching you to live with the uncertainty, but a big part of it is also learning to ignore the thoughts.

The thoughts are meaningless and really we should be ignoring them and shouldn't be getting upset over them, but I know that sometimes the guilt over not being upset can hit out of nowhere.  You are clearly a very brave person and you definitely have it in you to do what can be the daunting task of seeking professional treatment.  As someone who finds it really difficult to open up, even just the scratching-the-surface that I did improved my mental health more than I can put into words.