Hoping Romance is Not Dead!

[OceanDweller]

I'm slightly embarrassed about this admission, but ever since my mental health deteriorated a number of years ago I've found meeting potential partners tricky (not the ideal way to begin a personal ad!).

Previously I was confident and outgoing and dated (some might argue far too!) regularly. Whilst I'd like to think I've retained my sense of humour (essential when battling one's demons I believe) I don't get the opportunities I once did to be social and to meet likeminded folk. I work in the mental health field, but (as you might imagine) romantic possibilities are quite limited.

I'd be interested to learn how others have managed to craft meaningful relationships. I've always been very upfront about my (desperately searching for a gentle euphemism!) quirks. Are there any genuine matchmaking (not quickie hookup) websites in the U.K. catering specifically for those with OCD and other mental health problems? And, if not (or if so for that matter) where else might one find one's one?!

[Cub]

I think our confidence levels can go down a tad, definitely. I must admit this is something that worries me as I've felt unable to engage with the present entirely and worry about engaging with an individual when my mind is on other things. I don't want to be 'absent.' I have struggled to socialise a bit over the last year as I have felt anxious and uncomfortable and often want to get social events over and done with. I fear awkward silences and in turn the silent admission that myself and my companion don't have anything to say to each other and have little in common. I don't know how others have done it. I have often - and this is something I myself feel ashamed to admit - simmered with envy and resentment, watching others get along nicely at work, forming close relationships that seemed almost exclusive. :eyeroll:

But I think it's worth remembering that we are growing and changing throughout our lives and a lot of people have these problems. I think it's about finding understanding. Everyone has their own issues, after all and part of a relationship is accepting all of it.

C x

[snowbear]

3 hours ago, OceanDweller said:

Are there any genuine matchmaking websites in the U.K. catering specifically for those with OCD and other mental health problems? 

This question reveals a possible error in your approach, OceanDweller.  

It's ok to be upfront about having issues, but you're perhaps placing too much emphasis on it and letting it get in the way. Your probable intention of honesty and ensuring suitability may seem logical, but your thinking behind such intentions is skewed. 

You aren't a person-with-a-problem, you're a person. Period. (as you American's say)   Every person on the planet has some 'quirks' (nice euphemism) so let yours be discovered as you get to know someone - while you also discover their personality and quirks and get to know them. Base your dating criteria (and your profile) on your personality, not on your health/disorder.

In other words, go dating as normal and reveal your quirks in the course of normal conversation rather than making an issue out of them. If you stop looking at it as a barrier to a healthy relationship then potential partners won't see it as a problem either. 

I spent three years on an online dating site. I spoke to hundreds of people, made some friends, had some fun! Some of the people I spoke to I shared that I had OCD, most of them it was apparent early on that it wasn't going anywhere so I didn't bother. If we became closer it came up in normal conversation and I shared it matter-of-factly as part of 'me'. I never made an issue of it and as a result the people I shared it with were curious about me and how it affected me rather than put off by the fact I happen to have a disorder as a quirk. 

Confidence is key, and confidence returns when you stop seeing the OCD as a problem or defining yourself by its presence.  

[OceanDweller]

11 hours ago, Cub said:

I have often - and this is something I myself feel ashamed to admit - simmered with envy and resentment, watching others get along nicely at work, forming close relationships

Thank you Cub. I'm not too proud to confess that I too feel the pang of jealousy when folks effortlessly fall together. Almost certainly because that used to be me. We should always be careful to count our blessings.

And thank you snowbear. You're quite correct of course. In the past I've approached relationships from both ends of the spectrum, revealing nothing and revealing everything. When I've been upfront, I've had my 'quirks' used against me. And when I've been more guarded, I've been accused of misleading. A happy medium, as in all things, is surely the solution.

Oh for a return to my salad days, when dating was never more complex than a giggle over a glass of vino! ?

[Cub]

It's okay- jealousy is part of being human. That's something I've learned.

I do worry about meeting someone because I have trouble being in the moment and can focus on the wrong things; I worry I won't be able to engage with anyone or really listen to them and that I won't ever be happy. It's a huge fear of mine, that a love-life will pass me by and I won't notice.  But all I can do is hope.

[OceanDweller]

3 minutes ago, Cub said:

It's okay- jealousy is part of being human. That's something I've learned.

I do worry about meeting someone because I have trouble being in the moment and can focus on the wrong things; I worry I won't be able to engage with anyone or really listen to them and that I won't ever be happy. It's a huge fear of mine, that a love-life will pass me by and I won't notice.  But all I can do is hope.

Oh Cub... I don't know your age but I'm quite certain I have a fair few years on you. As someone who's had ten men's share of many of life's pleasures, I can assure you that when you're in the company of the right suitor, attention will be captured and conversation will flow. You sound like a sweetheart. I shouldn't worry about love passing you by.

[Cub]

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!

[taurean]

To my mind there is someone out there for everyone, and if one isn't the one, there are "plenty more fish in the sea". 

Out there in that sea are people with all sorts of character traits, disorders phobias or whatever. Should that stop them from finding a partner? no if the partner is able to accommodate that. 

When I was getting serious with the girl I wanted to marry, she suddenly started to go deaf - a genetic defect that showed up periodically in her family 's female line. 

An operation was possible to restore a little hearing, topped up by aids. 

She was worried I would not wish to continue the relationship because of her disability - but nothing was farther from the truth. 

We OCD sufferers are not freaks, mad, and the seemingly bizarre obsessions we may suffer are attributable to an illness - an illness treatable with CBT. 

When in the throes of it, our self-worth falls, along with our confidence. But we can still have great partnerships with non-sufferers and many of us have them.

A good place to meet people is within a club, gym class or society. Also friends of friends.

I met my wife as a consequence of dating a friend of my sister,who shared a particular flat. Over time, I went out with three girls who came to live at that flat - the third one I married.