Freaking out all day

[kika22]

So I've been freaking out all day today. In the last several months my ocd around kids has been through the roof. I'll try to look at kids to see if I feel a certain way or not and when I get a "turned on" feeling, I just want to die. I had that today where I work, I was ringing up a guest and her child was sitting in the cart and when I went over it in my mind I got that turned on feeling and it did not feel like ocd, at all. Which has me freaked out. But what's worse, is because of this feeling when I was grabbing the bag off the hook I moved my hand in a way where I was trying to touch the child. So I've been terrified all day because I knew what I was doing and again, it did not feel like ocd. I wish I knew why I get this way around kids. I feel like a sick pervert.

[PolarBear]

It's just average, everyday OCD. Nothing new here. 

You're going to have to come to terms with the fact that you have a mental disorder that can make you think all sorts of crazy things and feel weird sensations. Then you make matters so much worse by doing compulsions.

[kika22]

It just bothers me because I'm pretty sure that I even consciously thought that I wanted to do it.

[paradoxer]

Sounds like typical OCD doing its thing. 

4 hours ago, kika22 said:

it did not feel like ocd, at all.

 

Edited April 16, 2017 by paradoxer
got rid of an erroneous apostrophe. I wish the formatting would give one a bit more of a chance.

[kika22]

I wish I could write this off as ocd, but I felt like I wanted to do it. 

[fi1]

It is so normal for someone with OCD to think thoughts like this. I have learnt from my experiences that I need to remember who I am. So remember who you are and you will realise you are not a pervert... It is your mind!! Not you!! It is so much more easy to say than to do, I know. But remember who you are! Do not let this OCD take over. Stay positive. You will get there

[PolarBear]

The fact is, you did nothing, kika. Nothing. Everything else is OCD.

[kika22]

I wanna thank everyone for their comments. I'm still struggling with this. I just keep going over it in my head and each time I remember feeling turned on and deliberately moving my hand towards the child. I think I need to finally just bring up this pedophile theme to my therapist. I've been too scared to. It's so embarrassing.