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Shoukd i tell my wife?


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Hello everyone. 

Last couple of weeks have been quite hard for me, my wife and me almost getting divorced, and we're still not sure if we should get divorced or not. 

But there is one thing thats really bothering me right now, last week i went and had a talk with my brother while i was still convinced me and my wife would get divorced, i told him i did not want to get the divorce but that i felt she wanted it, so i just agreed with her to get the divorce, without listening to what i actually wanted. At some point my brother became a bit angry towards her because i felt how much i was hurting. And suddenly he made a comment about her which was really inappropriate, something along the lines of (when i see her i will spit her in the face). He did not meant that litterly but more to express his thoughts. 

Once he said that i felt extremely guilty towards my wife, was i talking that bad about her? That my brother would say such a thing? 

I told him i did not like the way he talked, and be sort of excused himself for it, and said be sometimes says stuff without thinking about it. 

But ever since then i cannot stop feeling guilty towards my wife, why did i not get extremely angry towards my brother for saying that? Am i not a loyal person towards my wife? 

Today i sended him a text to tell him once more i really do not appreciate the way he talked about her because i love my wife very much, and that i felt he should think before saying such things in the future. I also told him i could not stay angry with him because he is my little brother. And once again he apologized and said he sid not meant to say it in such ways, but that he says alot of stuff without thinking about it. 

What to i do now? Should i tell my wife about this and hope she can n forgive me for not being at war with my little brother? For me not defending her enough? 

I feel like such a bad husband. Should i have stopped talking with my brother and disconnect from him from now on? Would that show my loyalty towards my wife? 

On the other hand my little brother is my only real family left that lives near me. I dont want to be mad at him or disconnect wit him, i love him as i love my wife aswell, i am so confused right now and feel as if the only right thing i can do is confess all of this to my wife. 

 

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13 minutes ago, Ironborn said:

Hello everyone. 

Last couple of weeks have been quite hard for me, my wife and me almost getting divorced, and we're still not sure if we should get divorced or not. 

But there is one thing thats really bothering me right now, last week i went and had a talk with my brother while i was still convinced me and my wife would get divorced, i told him i did not want to get the divorce but that i felt she wanted it, so i just agreed with her to get the divorce, without listening to what i actually wanted. At some point my brother became a bit angry towards her because i felt how much i was hurting. And suddenly he made a comment about her which was really inappropriate, something along the lines of (when i see her i will spit her in the face). He did not meant that litterly but more to express his thoughts. 

Once he said that i felt extremely guilty towards my wife, was i talking that bad about her? That my brother would say such a thing? 

I told him i did not like the way he talked, and be sort of excused himself for it, and said be sometimes says stuff without thinking about it. 

But ever since then i cannot stop feeling guilty towards my wife, why did i not get extremely angry towards my brother for saying that? Am i not a loyal person towards my wife? 

Today i sended him a text to tell him once more i really do not appreciate the way he talked about her because i love my wife very much, and that i felt he should think before saying such things in the future. I also told him i could not stay angry with him because he is my little brother. And once again he apologized and said he sid not meant to say it in such ways, but that he says alot of stuff without thinking about it. 

What to i do now? Should i tell my wife about this and hope she can n forgive me for not being at war with my little brother? For me not defending her enough? 

I feel like such a bad husband. Should i have stopped talking with my brother and disconnect from him from now on? Would that show my loyalty towards my wife? 

On the other hand my little brother is my only real family left that lives near me. I dont want to be mad at him or disconnect wit him, i love him as i love my wife aswell, i am so confused right now and feel as if the only right thing i can do is confess all of this to my wife. 

 

If my wife was divorcing me I wouldn't be leaping to her defence. Your brother was angry and overprotective. You don't owe your wife an apology but you do need to stop chastising your brother.

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Hi, 

No, i do not think you need to tell your wife. Emotions are running high and at the extreme, it's a very difficult time for you, your family, and your wife. You will say things you later regret and you will behave in ways that with hindsight you will wish you could change. My guess is that the great importance you feel for your marriage has made you obsess over this one comment and piece of behaviour, and you now want to confess to feel better. When I get stuck obsessing over odd actions I'm not proud of in my relationship, I try and remember the following :

1. Would I end the relationship if my husband had acted the same way? 

2. Do not put my husband on a pedestal and imagine he behaves prefectly all the time (this serves to make me feel incredibly guilty when I feel I let him down) - he is only human and will himself have said / done / thought things to /about others that would upset me. 

I am (almost!) certain that during this very testing time for you both, your wife will have said things about you to friends that she may regret later, but we all need to unload at times. 

Good luck

Coffee

Ps: yes, stop chastising your brother! I think you're doing it out of guilt and are trying to prove to yourself and your wife (even though she doesn't know about this) how much you love her by being outraged. 

Edited by Coffeecake
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