A strange problem and a tight chest.

[Cub]

Hi everyone

Had a lovely Easter celebration with the family - and am enjoying eating lots of leftover chocolate. Really enjoyed the wedding too, which was excellent fun. I thank you for your encouragement.

I've been gentle with myself after 24 hours of stress and have given myself a lazy day. But I'm struggling with a tight chest and it's embarrassing, but I'm not sure how to describe it, because I'm feeling a little lost.

I've had OCD over several things I enjoy, including fanfiction (which is fiction written about tv shows by the fans; it's like a fun game). I used to really enjoy fanfiction but now I struggle because I just don't know what I'm allowed to write and what I can't and it feels as though my whole system has shut down and won't allow me to make a move. I've been focusing too hard on wanting to write specific types of fanfiction, in order to prove to myself that I can - which feels like a compulsion in itself because I'm not sure what I feel comfortable writing. Among this is interactions between two male characters; it sounds absolutely awful of me to say this, I know, but for example, when writing two guys together, I really struggle with 'how' to write them, how close to make them - how they can hug for example, how physically they go about that, can they lie down on a bed together - and I don't know what I want from the page. And I have this idea in my head that I'm 'not allowed' to write them in a physically close/potentially romantic fashion - it's like my whole body freezes, my chest goes tight and something just screams 'No!' and I wonder if it's God telling me something - even though I don't believe that the God I believe in is homophobic. I try too hard to 'make it happen' just to prove that I can and I end up with a massively tight chest. I want to just 'do it' but I feel unable to and then I worry even more.

I know it's such a silly thing to get het up about but the tightness in my chest is something I cannot bear and it's making me feel trapped - like there's a gate closed to me that I cannot go through. I feel that with these physical limits, I'm missing out on something and it's really affecting my writing and my OCD is telling me that I'm not allowed to do this and I just feel I'm missing out on valuable writing time because I just feel stuck and can't just go naturally, if that makes sense. I can't feel at ease with my own writing and it's making me unhappy because my days feel empty and I feel overly-rigid, but like I have no choice. I feel I'm on the outside looking in. I just want to be happy and do what makes me happy. On the other hand, I've been worrying over this for years and I feel I'm slowly, steadily ruining my life with the worrying. I just feel I lack purpose and I'm looking for something to give me purpose.

I'm sorry if this is offensive to anyone, or is making me sound prejudiced - the whole point of it is that I want to prove I can do a little bit of everything in my writing, that I'm open and easy but something in me just feels closed and because of my OCD leading me around in circles, I'm stuck. I don't want to be prejudiced at all.  I just keep panicking and not knowing what to do. I'm suffering from a bit of magical thinking OCD, thinking all my thoughts count for something and my thoughts about OCD have become blurred. Eurgh.

Apologies again if this has been offensive to anyone; I feel kind of stupid even writing it down. It's hard to explain it. I would really welcome any advice.

C x

[OceanDweller]

I can't imagine how anyone could be offended by your post Cub. You don't appear to be homophobic in the slightest. I wonder if you're subconsciously and unintentionally minded of a prejudice to which you were exposed in your formative years. I may be way off the mark. I'm really just reflecting upon my own experiences.

[Cub]

Hi OD

Thanks very much for telling me the post wasn't homophobic - I was very worried and don't want to open a can of worms.

To answer your question - I was raised by perfectly tolerant parents in a perfectly tolerant family, it's just the problem is me because I've been essentially trying to find myself through religion and through culture. It's so hard to figure out what works for me and it's really got my OCD going. I was told not to be too rigid, so am sticking to that like glue. I don't want to go on too much about it, as I've wasted enough time but that tightness in my chest is distressing and it feels as though it's stopping me being myself. Maybe I'm just being silly; I just feel so trapped inside and feel I can't do the things I want to do and that I've wasted so much time. I struggle a lot with OCD magical thinking/promises and that doesn't help because I feel I need to do my best to stick to them and I'm wrapped up in a massive web, mentally. I'm a terrible worrier and just can't stop worrying.  I physically don't know how.

C x

[OceanDweller]

4 minutes ago, Cub said:

I was told not to be too rigid, so am sticking to that like glue

I'm sorry Cub. I was just tickled by the contradiction!

My faith is important to me. Like you, I believe in an inclusive and tolerant God. I have very liberal views, and could never adhere to a belief system that was at odds with my moral compass.

What I would add is that I don't believe our religion should define us, only enrich our lives. The answers to who you are already exist within you. Perhaps if you stop searching for a while you will find what you need.

[Cub]

You know what, that's really kind and useful advice. I was told ages ago to stick to my moral code about this and to stand by my moral compass; maybe I'm overcomplicating things. I just wanted to prove to myself that I wasn't prejudiced.

I'll back off looking for a while. Thanks again.

C x