My compulsions

[Unsurechap]

I'm beginning to see what the pattern of my illness is and also understanding what compulsions i am doing to make me feel better in the short term. Since my theme of ocd surrounds sexuality and me being gay, i find myself checking out straight and gay porn to satisfy myself that a) i get aroused by the straight porn and b) i don't get aroused by the gay porn. i realise i've been doing this for a long time and it is quite possibly not helping. After all the results i get from this are that my response is to the straight porn, but i continue to ask myself the question. its like i cant be rational with myself, all the evidence i have is that i am naturally aroused by women, and not by men but i can't stop asking myself the question. i just wish my brain would shut up for a while and accept that i get aroused by women, and not men..... but no matter what i do it doesnt seem to stick. perhaps a different approach is needed whereby i stop asking myself the question..... but its so hard sometimes not to go through things in your mind or reassure yourself, i just wish i could break free and be comfortable with myself.....

[Unsurechap]

i guess i find myself wondering if indeed OCD is at play because i don't really get like panic attack type anxiety, its more low level than that, i do get a discomfort with the thought of liking men. i just want my brain to quieten down for a while..... 

[PolarBear]

Now that you've identified one of your compulsions you need to work on stopping it. Obviously testing yourself with different kinds of porn isn't working because you keep doing it. It's not helping you to come up with an answer.

You also need to give yourself permission to be okay with not knowing the final answer. It's okay to not seek the answer to the question of whether you are gay, straight or somewhere in between.

[Unsurechap]

no you are right Polarbear, it is definitely is not helping but i find does help for short term relief, not long term though..... theres that feeling of surely this time i'll know, but then low and behold the next day i'm doubting again.....

[PolarBear]

Which is wxactly the way OCD operates. At the end of the day, it doesn't work. But do realize that every time you do one of these compulsions you are setting it up for you to have more intrusive thoughts in the future, which will lead to more compulsions, which will lead... You get the picture.

[Dave321]

I read Unsurechap's post and feel scared.  I am different to him.  I think its clear my attractions lay with men! My groin is reacting automatically to men.  Is this my natural attractions?  My conscious mind isn't even involved. They just happen and then this kicks off anxiety.  I think I just cant accept that I am gay and maybe that this is causing my distress and not ocd.

Edited April 24, 2017 by Dave321

[OceanDweller]

10 minutes ago, Dave321 said:

I read Unsurechap's post and feel scared.  I am different to him.  I think its clear my attractions lay with men! My groin is reacting automatically to men.  Is this my natural attractions?  My conscious mind isn't even involved. They just happen and then this kicks off anxiety.  I think I just cant accept that I am gay and maybe that this is causing my distress and not ocd.

Hi Dave. You can't choose your sexuality any more than you can the colour of your skin. If you're gay, you're gay pal. Is there any reason why being so would cause you particular distress?

[Dave321]

I was straight growing up and into my 20's. Only ever masturbated about women.  It just feels weird and alien to me like one day its like my body decided you are gay now.

[OceanDweller]

1 minute ago, Dave321 said:

I was straight growing up and into my 20's. Only ever masturbated about women.  It just feels weird and alien to me like one day its like my body decided you are gay now.

Sexuality can and does change over time. Perhaps you're bisexual and eager to explore your attraction to men just now. When you think about famous folk, is it guys or gals (or both) you feel attracted to?

[Dave321]

I am not eager to explore my attraction to men. It scares me and never want to do anything with a guy even if my body is responding me or tricking me somehow.  But I fear this resistance to trying it or accepting myself is not ocd but internalised homophobia or something.  I never want to get with a guy. 

[Unsurechap]

Dave, we've private messaged each other for quite a while now. i totally get how hard this is for you. The one main bit of advice i can offer you is get it right in your head that IF you were gay then it wouldnt be the end of the world, at the moment you are treating it like its the end of the world. You've been taking the same tack for such a long time now and nothing is changing. what are you doing to change things? what can you do differently? i think i have identified my compulsions and am working on not doing them but its hard going. what are you doing to help yourself? 

There is also no law that says IF you are gay that you have to be with men or do anything with men - any action on your part would be a choice that you made to do something. it really is in your hands and you are definitely in control....

[Mani]

First find out the root cause of ocd.

[PAVLIS97]

if u were gay/bi you'd have known it since you gained conciousness

you don't becom gay, you are simply born with it