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Trying not to be so hard on myself...


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...But it's sooooo hard! :a1_cheesygrin:

Have had a doing nothing day and tend to go into depressive mode on days like that because I want to create and just generally be happy. But I can't because I'm feeling rigid and 'unallowed' to do what I want to do which leads to me wondering what my purpose in life is, etc, etc, etc.

On the plus side, today I brought a printer. Finally.

I wish I could just relax and be myself but I'm finding it hard to let the OCD impulses go; the constant 'checking' that I can just do what feels right. I just feel bad for feeling bad all the time because I often want to curl up on the bed and cry; I feel I lack the ability to carry on because I can't stop worrying about my thoughts in the past, even though I know they're only thoughts - something keeps telling me I should take them seriously and I wonder if that something is God. Maybe I'm naïve but I often tell myself: 'it'll all sort itself out in time,' but I've been so miserable and unhappy for a long time and haven't been able to be kind to myself because I can't shake off the feeling I don't deserve it. I'm just nervous and anxious all the time and wish I wasn't. I don't want to be needy or unhappy but feel that's what I'm being, because I'm forever seeking comfort.

I guess the key is to distract myself and just carry on but it's hard to distract myself with the things I want to do when I keep thinking I can't do them; it's an endless cycle. Me worrying - wanting to do something to take the pressure off, wondering if I'm allowed to do it because of the thoughts I've had, because of God, then putting pressure on myself to do it and then getting anxious all over again and having a break and feeling bad because nothing is done and then going through the cycle all over again. I'm trying to bully my own way through it, essentially. I'm unable to feel productive and can fixate too much on the things I want to do, that battle with myself and then forget other things that are more important. I feel there are certain things I want to do that are forbidden to me because of my thoughts, the words that go through my head. I know no-one is perfect; no-one is a saint and we're all sinners, I get that. I just don't know how God feels about me right now because the God I believe in just feels so silent and I'm desperate for guidance. I don't even feel comfortable talking about it all because I feel so upset. I feel I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and am just being stupid but I don't know how to let it go. I just can't stop thinking about it and I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and upset and feel I'm holding onto something that's hurting me from years and years ago, something I didn't even say and was just a thought.

Oh and I feel I lack purpose. So, you know. *shrug*

C x

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Hi Cub

Unless you wish to be a member of the clergy or a missionary (are they the same?!) I feel that you may be left wanting if you rely on God to define your purpose in life. A loving Lord would wish for us to exercise our free will to find our own happiness and place within the world He created for us. How we do that is very much down to us as individuals. There's a great big wide space out there just waiting to be explored...

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Hi Cub,

3 hours ago, Cub said:

I feel I lack the ability to carry on because I can't stop worrying about my thoughts in the past, even though I know they're only thoughts - something keeps telling me I should take them seriously and I wonder if that something is God.

I can see you are looping endlessly on the guilt trip and the mental self-flagellation. The past is the past. What is over is over. I dare say and am not afraid to say it, it is OCD not God that is telling you that you should take those thoughts seriously.

 

3 hours ago, Cub said:

I feel there are certain things I want to do that are forbidden to me because of my thoughts, the words that go through my head. I know no-one is perfect; no-one is a saint and we're all sinners, I get that. I just don't know how God feels about me right now because the God I believe in just feels so silent and I'm desperate for guidance.

Why don't you put yourself in the centre of things first rather than God. Don't get me wrong, I fully respect your religious beliefs whatever they may be. You are placing too much emphasis on how you think God views you. Since those thoughts and words are generated due to OCD and are from the past, they are then, not worthy of being dug out, let them remain in the past and preferably forgotten for all time. I believe that God can take care of himself very well and the very last thing he wants to do is to make you suffer or block your progress in life.

All that matters is the present and what you want for yourself in the future. Pick yourself up and let the past remain in the past, chuck the guilt out and move forward. 

You are as deserving of happiness and kindness as anyone else.

 

 

Edited by St Mike
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Thankyou, OD and Mike; it's very good of you both to comment so sensibly and generously.

Sadly it's very difficult with religious OCD; I think so much about everything. It can be hard to get involved in religion without causing myself significant upset and confusion, although I do go to Evensong when I'm not feeling lazy. I guess what you're both saying though is that I need to consider myself and my own needs and be gentle with myself. :) I will try, but it is so hard - but I have realised I'm doing better than in the past. Example: last night, I was reading some webcomics that are written by an evangelical Christian and while I was able to relate to some of it on a personal level, some of it deeply upset me. But what I was able to find that I was able to not overthink it as much as I would have done once upon a time. I can try to control everything, I feel and if triggered by evangelical material which can contrast with my own beliefs, I then feel challenged and insecure, I can get lost in my own head. Although I did think about it a fair bit, I managed not to upset myself and rip myself apart trying to find an answer. Just accepted that this chap's beliefs are different to mine, he's entitled to them and I still have a loving God. I don't know if that's the 'right' way to deal with it, but I guess what I'm saying is: I didn't ruminate. And that makes me feel proud. :)

I know what's past is past and as mentioned above, I try to control everything. I'm actually alarmed by the amount of pressure I'm putting on myself and am feeling the strain of my own irrationality. It feels very sad. I know religion is meant to be enjoyed and is a place of peace and solace but OCD has made my experiences rather damaging. I don't want to live  a stifled emotional life; I'm just feeling blocked and holding myself back because I don't want to let my God down, but I think the amount of pressure I'm exercising on my shoulders is just far too much.

Thankyou again, both. <3

C x

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10 minutes ago, Cub said:

Thankyou, OD and Mike; it's very good of you both to comment so sensibly and generously.

Sadly it's very difficult with religious OCD; I think so much about everything. It can be hard to get involved in religion without causing myself significant upset and confusion, although I do go to Evensong when I'm not feeling lazy. I guess what you're both saying though is that I need to consider myself and my own needs and be gentle with myself. :) I will try, but it is so hard - but I have realised I'm doing better than in the past. Example: last night, I was reading some webcomics that are written by an evangelical Christian and while I was able to relate to some of it on a personal level, some of it deeply upset me. But what I was able to find that I was able to not overthink it as much as I would have done once upon a time. I can try to control everything, I feel and if triggered by evangelical material which can contrast with my own beliefs, I then feel challenged and insecure, I can get lost in my own head. Although I did think about it a fair bit, I managed not to upset myself and rip myself apart trying to find an answer. Just accepted that this chap's beliefs are different to mine, he's entitled to them and I still have a loving God. I don't know if that's the 'right' way to deal with it, but I guess what I'm saying is: I didn't ruminate. And that makes me feel proud. :)

I know what's past is past and as mentioned above, I try to control everything. I'm actually alarmed by the amount of pressure I'm putting on myself and am feeling the strain of my own irrationality. It feels very sad. I know religion is meant to be enjoyed and is a place of peace and solace but OCD has made my experiences rather damaging. I don't want to live  a stifled emotional life; I'm just feeling blocked and holding myself back because I don't want to let my God down, but I think the amount of pressure I'm exercising on my shoulders is just far too much.

Thankyou again, both. <3

C x

Two points Cub...

Firstly, irrespective of who is making whatever proclamation, it's still just a human voice. And your beliefs are as valid as anyone else's on the planet. 'Evangelical' just means 'loud' in my eyes!

Secondly, any God worthy of your worship would want you to be happy. So work out what will make you so and pursue it unapologetically.

 

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Hi Cub, your welcome. 

It is never easy dealing with any form of OCD. Many of the people in this forum including myself have spent years battling with it.

In my humble opinion, if one has decided on how one wishes to practise one's faith, what others say should be treated as a different point of view and maybe as something new to learn rather than something causes upset and insecurity. The later part of this statement matches the conclusion you arrived at regarding how you treated the different view presented by the author of the web comic.

Having the counsel of a qualified, experienced religious figure might be helpful too, to help you keep a balance in your religious practise.

Keep going, Cub, you can do it. ; )

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Came back to this very late (sorry, guys! *smacks wrist*) but I am very glad of these constructive comments.

I'm pleased, at any rate, that I can be more sensible by not thinking I should be doing what others are doing. I've been feeling less rigid altogether and feel like I can cope, at least for now. :) Will keep you guys posted. Thankyou!

:hug:

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