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Rough day rant..sorry, just frustrated.


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I end up having a couple of good days and now I'm feeling awful.  My POCD has been bothering me about everything, from kids on the street, to future relationships or possible events, to worrying about loss of attraction, to damn near everything.  I'm trying to calm down, just let things flow but I burst into tears at my folks place tonight because I've become so frustrated again.  I thought my hope and confidence was returning, that the doubt was diminishing but its come back with a vengeance recently like it has in the past.  Its like I'm stuck in a circle: I get positive, I feel okay, I have a good day, it continues, I then hit a wall, come down, the OCD thoughts come flooding back, I feel bad, I try and resist doing mental compulsions, they don't seem to work, I try and distract myself, I can't seem too, I brood, ruminate and so on and so forth.  I'm trying to be patient, give what I learn time to sink in, realize their just thoughts but I just feel like screaming some times.  I'm afraid of living with this for the rest of my life.  Again I'm sorry for the rant, just a lot of frustration recently.    

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Hey I know how hard it can be. The best thing to do is what you are already doing, keep resisting the thoughts, I like to mentally shout at my thoughts until they leave. Other than that how's your friday going?

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Its Saturday now but not bad this morning, I went to bed early last night and read until 10pm or so but was unable to watch TV or a movie as my brain wouldn't stop plus the suicide thoughts made a comeback.  I'm seeing a CBT specialist now but I'm worried about becoming skeptical.  He told me last time to think of the thoughts as fantasy and it confused me a bit.  Quite honestly every time I think of the future, I get scared and feel like I'm becoming increasingly agoraphobic.  Like I have to force myself to go out.  Just seems to vary from day to day.  All of this because of one intrusive thought I had back in January that got out of control  :bash: 

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16 hours ago, Zazoo said:

I get positive, I feel okay, I have a good day, it continues, I then hit a wall, come down, the OCD thoughts come flooding back,

Is this all you are doing?  What I mean is, this sounds like you are not exactly confronting your OCD head on?  I am not sure simply resisting the thoughts is enough, because that does not address the cause, and until we do that the fears will remain and the OCD will hit back with vengeance every few days.    

By cause I don't mean the cause of OCD, but the cause of our OCD thoughts which is our belief around our thoughts, and that is where the C part of CBT comes in.  Not sure what your CBT therapists advice to think of them as fantasy meant, if by that they mean think of them as not being real then of course that is true but that's not the problem we have to explore our feelings, emotions around those thoughts. 

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7 hours ago, Ashley said:

Is this all you are doing?  What I mean is, this sounds like you are not exactly confronting your OCD head on?  I am not sure simply resisting the thoughts is enough, because that does not address the cause, and until we do that the fears will remain and the OCD will hit back with vengeance every few days.    

This is exactly what's happening.  I'll perk up and be positive and then WHAMMO!  I feel like ending it all because it gets to much in my head.  I had to call a crisis line this morning because I came damn close.  I spent the afternoon with my folks calming down but the second I have free time to think, it creeps back in and terrorizes me.  Could you or someone else explain what you mean by the confronting the "cause" exactly?  For me the cause was a random intrusive thought back in January coupled with stress and high anxiety that got away from me.  Just looking for some clarification.  Thank you. 

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I understand that, its something I've been trying to work on.  I know ruminating, future thinking, scanning, over analyzing and worrying are some of my biggest.  Is talking about it also a form of compulsion? Like if I mention it to my folks or friend about it at almost every conversation?  They've learned not to give reassurance but still.  Its got to be.  I'm hoping to figure this out next Wednesday when I see my CBT specialist again.  Its hard to just let the brain flow and accept that my thoughts are just that, thoughts without engaging them somehow.

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