I don't know what to do anymore

[ethantjy]

English isn't my native language, so please bear with me. I apologize in advance for the long text below, this is an issue with great importance to me, it took a toll on me to sit down and write this:

It all began around a decade ago, I started developing these rituals no one at home could explain. My folks are pretty old fashioned so by their books I was just a stubborn child.
But then at the age of 18 I found a job working the back of a trashmaster, it was filthy and digusting to be frank so whenever I got back home I would get rid of my uniform ASAP. After a while mistakes were bound to happen, in some occasions someone would move my uniform or misplace it so it came into direct contact with other pieces of clothing, which bothered me in a way I couldn't explain. 
A few months has gone by and this situation has escalated, anything that came into direct contact with my uniform or items which were previously in contact with my uniform were contaminated and had to be thoroughly washed.

A few years has gone by and by then almost everything in my entire life is now contaminated by my point of view, except for my own bed and desk, which I made sure to keep clean throughout the years, it was a HARD and exhausting task to maintain to be honest.

I'll spare you the details of how everything fell into place together and brought me to where I am today since it can take hours of writing. 
The reason I'm here today is I have nothing else, no one else to go to. I seeked therapy a couple of times which has not provided any results.
I have no one to confide in, I am lonely. I couldn't maintain a relationship with anyone due to my illness. I've lost most of my friends, those who are still in touch with me are unaware of my situation as I'm too embarrased to admit it to anyone but you guys, the anonymous crowd of the Internet.

The rituals I do are mainly washing my hands, it depends what part of my body was exposed specifically. Sometimes it is just washing my hands and sometimes it is a complete and thorough shower, which takes roughly about an hour. Of course I fail many times in the process which leads to me repeating certain steps over and over which eventually leads to frustration and anger.
My thoughts are mainly about cleaning and washing after contact with any garbage, trash-cans, anything that has direct contact to the floor or fell onto the floor, might be a piece of paper that fell onto the floor or a shoe that touches the floor repeatedly.

Don't get fooled by my way of expressing myself, I've been depressed for the past 4 years of my life. I cry myself to sleep pretty much every night, I pray to God every couple of days and beg him to take my breath away at night.
I have never had a girl-friend, I don't have any friends anymore. I barely have any social life, these obsessions are taking literally 99% of my time or what I do or think about during the entire day. It is also extremely hard to maintain a proper job without it bothering my employees or my co-workers figuring out what's wrong with me.

I don't know what to do anymore, the past 2 years were mostly me thinking of how to end it all, suicide seems like the most valid solution.
The only reason I have not yet to go through with it is my family, my parents have been through enough. My father just recently lost both of his parents and my mother has lost both her own mother and her oldest brother, I can't imagine putting them through another funeral.

Please somebody help me, I'm slowly breaking from the inside and I don't know what to do anymore.

Edited April 30, 2017 by ethantjy

[paradoxer]

First, welcome to the forum, and congrats on your English, it's excellent. I don't think It'll suprise you to hear that what you describe is classic OCD. I know it's easy to offer advice, but you have two basic choices - continue to let OCD run your life, or do the things you need to do to break free of it. A reminder, off the cuff, keep in mind that the biggest contaminant is OCD. You can be the cleanest guy in the world, but never actually live a life. Not great really. Why don't you start with incremental steps (AKA SUDS) and work up to the bigger exposures?  What have you got to lose? And what makes you so special - that you have to be so clean anyway?  Anyway mate, you're not alone. There are plenty of fellow sufferers here at different levels of progress. All the best.