Same thought for 5 years....any hope?

[Hosscat]

Feeling pretty down last few days. Im so fed up this problem isnt done after 5 years of this scary thought. Im starting to think its not possible for it to feel wrong, or things to be like they used to. I dont think im doing compulsions, and the overall anxiety is better. But is there hope one day I wont be living with this floating about in my head and changing my point of view again?

[Tulsas]

and what thought would that be Hosscat

 

[Hosscat]

Im so tired of it I dont even want to explain it again. The stupid solipsism being alone in the universe ****. How can I hate it and think its so  stupid and have it feel so true in my head ><

Im tired of thinking about it, im tired of having it in my life. I just want it behind me and not be a worry floating around making me feel so alone. I can feel very brave when im by myself (ironically) but when im with family with this filter in my head it breaks my heart.

[Caramoole]

I may be wrong but wouldn't mind guessing that you probably ruminate.....maybe "think" that this is simply an intrusive thought, yet in reality are probably debating it, pushing it away, that sort of thing.  Can you say, hand on heart that you simply let the thought exist with no interaction, no wishing it away?  Often compulsions can become so subtle that we think they're not there.  This often happens as we progress in our understanding.

For myself, I dealt with lots of different OCD types and eradicated them through applying the advice but have learned that I still have many innocuous thoughts that on the face of it wouldn't be easily identified as OCD but also very minor things, that I'm learning are still (sneaky/innocuous) compulsions.  We can think we don't do compulsions but they are often less obvious and it's just that we haven't actually identified them as such.  Just a thought worth looking at

 

[Caramoole]

16 minutes ago, Hosscat said:

How can I hate it and think its so  stupid

e.g....That in itself is an interaction

[paradoxer]

Try if you can not to hate it too much, it only empowers the disorder. Try to think of it more in terms of contempt. 

[Hosscat]

I dont see it getting better though even when not interacting with it. Im terrified the next 60ish years I live will still have this in it. I want the happy feelings with my family again so bad I almost start crying when my mother hugs me.

[snowbear]

11 minutes ago, Hosscat said:

I dont see it getting better though even when not interacting with it.

Then maybe you need to do more than trying not to interact with it. Maybe you need to dismiss it all as irrelevant, philosophical nonsense not worthy of your time or thought.

As long as you hold onto the belief that it's worth considering or that there's possibly some truth in it, then it's likely the thoughts will persist to try to convince you one way or the other. 

You say your OCD is around solipsism? Try to find an alternative way of thinking about your life which isn't based on intangible philosophy and unprovable theory. Adopt a more practical approach where you define yourself by physical things such as the fact you can feel and enjoy your mother's hug. Learn to be in the moment instead of thinking about an analysis of the moment from afar. It may sound radical, but sometimes when we find ourselves on the wrong path we need to get radical and change direction totally. 

[Hosscat]

I want to be able to dismiss it, more than anything. But how do you do it when it feels like it is a scary possibility to your mind? I can fake it, but I want it to feel sincere and I'm so frustrated because I can't force it to FEEL wrong.

This is why I'm scared I'm going to be stuck, stuck telling myself the truth but not able to feel the confidence and peace with it.

[snowbear]

Why do you need your thoughts to feel wrong before you can dismiss them as just ideas and not fact?  

You seem to have framed this as a battle between your solipsism thoughts versus tangible hugs and happiness, making it into a big deal in your mind. As if you're faced with an impossible choice, an either/or situation, one truth versus another truth. No wonder you feel the stakes are high! You need to accept it's nothing of the sort - there's no battle, just a simple choice of how to interpret the unknown based on personal preference.

Your current interpretation of 'how things are' is just one of many possibilities. Several of the other possibilities are probably far more scary! And many of the possibilities aren't scary at all. Some ways of interpreting the universe are comforting, heartwarming and allow you to feel the peace and confidence you seek. Choose whichever possibility suits you best - there's no right or wrong answer, no absolutes, no certainty.

The universe is a big and complex place. However much we learn about how it works, our purpose and the meaning of life are questions which will always remain open to interpretation. Thankfully we don't need to have one single 'true' interpretation to live good, happy lives full of purpose and meaning. There's plenty of room for a wide variety of interpretations and beliefs. Which is exactly why people have come up with so many philosophical theories and variations - none of them are 'The Truth' and none of them can be proved wrong. 

Which brings me back to the point that we are each free to interpret the universe any way we choose. And to change that interpretation on a whim. 

There are many possibilities. There are no penalties for choosing a philosophy of understanding which allows you to be happy and at peace.  

But there seems to be a severe penalty (anxiety and obsessive thoughts) for choosing one of the scary possibilities as your foundation.  

[Hosscat]

I'm just not sure how to hang on to the 'rational'. I understand completely what you say about the feelings. Just because of how I feel doesn't change anything. But the feelings hurt, terribly, and are what I want to change. I can tell myself to just dismiss this as ocd, as a thought, but the bad feelings don't change. They stay and wear me down.

Hence why I feel so stuck. I spent the first time in a long time last night sobbing. My mother is not well, and I'm afraid I'm running out of time to get passed this before something happens. I don't want the last few years spent with this issue clogging them up.

Not to mention I haven't seen a lot of people talking about having such a severe idea for so long getting better, it makes me feel hopeless.

[snowbear]

Thoughts and beliefs >> feelings.

Take an example of a repetitive thought: 'I've got to be certain, but I don't have any answers' >>>  

Change it to  'I know I can't ever be 100% sure'  >>>  >>>  

The problem is you still believe you need to be certain to be happy. You still want that 100% evidence even though you've been told it's not possible >>> 'I wish I could feel sure, but I know I have to accept uncertainty' >>>   

Wishing is the same as telling yourself there is certainty out there if only you could look hard enough. It reinforces the belief that you need certainty in order to feel happy.  

'I can't have certainty even though I want it. My requirements for being happy can never be fulfilled.'  

Change the belief to: I don't need certainty. I can be happy even without having answers

Even if you're not convinced  in your head at first, your belief system hears the message 'My happiness criteria needs are now being met, the obstacle has been removed >>>  

After a while your thoughts catch up and you start thinking:  'This not knowing lark is kinda fun when you get used to it'   >>> 'Certainty is over-rated. Who needs certainty? I'm happy not knowing!'  

 

Try it yourself with your thought 'I've had this so long I'll never be rid of it'   and your belief 'I need to be rid of it in order to be happy'   

[Hosscat]

That kinda makes sense...kinda like how as you say, the belief system heard this thought, "what if nothing is real", and felt all the fear. So over time it started treating it as maybe true. So...do the reverse almost and overtime, not instantly, it can change again? Is that right? Say, I don't need to worry with this and let it be.

[snowbear]

Exactly. Accept you don't need to know if things are real or not to be happy and you're free to feel happy without finding answers. Let it be and get on with life.  

[Hosscat]

I suppose it will take some time for the negative emotions to change. As long as I have the possibility for the belief, even without proof, to change again I think id be ok. That is possible then, right? That or, as it might happen id just not think about it I suppose.