Struggling with emptiness

[Cub]

Hi everyone

Wanted to check in as am struggling to sleep tonight. Am aware I have some kind responses to a previous thread that I haven't replied to. Apologies and will deal with those tomorrow; thankyou very much.

Wanted to post in as am struggling and have been struggling with this for some time - namely, just feeling vaguely unhappy and empty. OCD-connected? Possibly. But I feel the emptiness around me on the days I'm not working. At first I'm excited not to have to get up early and enjoy a lie-in. But then it's like I have nothing to live for, on those days. I try and try to keep busy but it feels as though something's missing. I don't want company, I like having time on my own - but it's like I can't enjoy being on my own. I just feel adrift and pointless and I try not to think about it. But I can't ignore it. I can't just settle and be happy having nothing to commit to. I did okay today but in the evening I felt so sad. The afternoons are the worst because I don't want to go outside per se but I don't want to stay in staring at the walls. Sometimes I just feel I want to leave and go home to my family. The days get longer and I hate feeling like I have nothing to live for besides my job. Then I worry my day off hasn't been relaxing enough and worry that I don't know how to relax at all. I feel so purposeless.

I kind of hate myself for feeling like this to be honest. I've got a lot to be thankful for but I hate feeling as though I just want to get out of here. The days just slow down and I can't stand not feeling able to cope, not able to shake off that unhappy feeling altogether.  Maybe I'm putting too much pressure on my shoulders? I've struggled a lot with depression in this city since my Mum died and it's hard being inside four walls sometimes. I can't afford to live in the immediate area around my workplace so have a demanding commute there and back every day and I'm worried about work because it feels like everyone else knows what they're doing and I don't, no matter how hard I try. I love my job but I feel so hopeless and like I can't do anything right. Like I can't see a particularly bright future ahead of me me because I just don't feel competent enough.

C x

[OceanDweller]

Hi Cub. I hope you managed to nod off again. Insomnia can be hideous. You mentioned having been depressed in the past. How did that present? Was it very dissimilar to how you're feeling currently?

[taurean]

Hi cub,

I think you currently have a negative bias, which is dragging you down

Try looking at things by adding some "rose tinted glasses".

For each of the negatives you perceive, look for a positive; preferably more than one. 

Then start changing your perspective to that chosen more positive one. 

Let us know how you get on

 

[St Mike]

Hi Cub, I personally don't think your feeling of emptiness has anything to do with OCD.

An "empty" life doesn't just fills up by itself. You have to fill it with activities and things you wish and like to do. 

7 hours ago, Cub said:

 The days get longer and I hate feeling like I have nothing to live for besides my job.

Have you considered getting a hobby, learning a new skill or doing sports? Something fun, wholesome and something to look forward to during your off days and free time.

You can start with something simple and it can be done on a solo basis, e.g collecting stamps, arts and craft like origami etc. I recently bought a set of glitter paper because I wanted to make an origami paper star, something which I have always wondered how others managed do. The instructions stated on the small slip of paper was not clear so I went to youtube to look for a demonstration and after several clumsy attempts, I made my first paper star.  I had a lot of fun doing it even though I was no longer(for a very long time) a child.

There are many activities which you can start off solo with the option to join like-minded enthusiasts later on, should you wish to. How about taking up walking at your community park or hiking at a nature reserve? Fresh air, Nature and Exercise are wonderful allies against depression, weight gain and a host of nasty modern world convenience and diet inflicted diseases. You can do it alone first or with a friend and maybe later join a walking group too.

I believe where ever you are from (somewhere in the West or in my case somewhere in the East), there would be community clubs, hobby groups, libraries, universities which host courses and leisure activities for the community they serve. All you need to do is to take the first step. Drop by the location or give a telephone call and ask.

Life is more than our OCD, our depression etc. You deserve the richness and fullness life can offer and it doesn't need to be grand, expensive, group basis, whatever, all it needs to be is something that brings you joy and peace. Like a little child enjoying ice cream on a warm Sunday afternoon, I would pay a million dollars to turn back the clock to be that little boy enjoying ice cream on a warm Sunday afternoon. 

Take care Cub, wishing you peace and wellness in both mind and spirit. 

 

 

Edited May 5, 2017 by St Mike

[Cub]

I thank you all for your kind and fair replies; honestly, I'm shaking my head at myself right now. I have plenty to occupy myself - writing, reading, cross-stitch, walks in the park, DVDs - yet I remain discontent. I think I'm seeking a perfect state of happiness. :eyeroll: No life is perfect, obviously. I forget the good things and just focus on how I feel.

I hate being so whiny about everything - I need to be grateful for what I have. I can't figure out how to relax these days, sadly but maybe I just need to go outside more and enjoy what I have. I'm not alone, after all. I think I need to spend less time on the computer. 

Thankyou very much for your swift, rightfully worded replies. <3

C x

Edited May 5, 2017 by Cub

[taurean]

Just a little engagement comfortably with others is fulfilling and uplifting cub.

I think you tend to indulge in the cognitive distortion of mind-reading,  believing others are thinking negative things about you , without evidence of this. 

It's quite common, my wife is an afficionado but when she does it I challenge it with rational response - the correct approach.She does it far less frequently now, it works!

A little gentle interaction will give you a lift and build better perceptions of you in others. I am a people person, and my interaction with others brings me great happiness and joy