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So I snapped today and wish I was dead


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As everyone knows I've had OCD, depression and anxiety for over 25 years now which started while watching horror films very young. 

I have images and thoughts etc stuck in my head ever since that day.

i have a cpn and doctor and they couldn't care less with whatever I tell them and the cpn doesn't think it's my OCD that's causing things.

i try to tak to them and even complained to nhs which got me nowhere but bad vibes from the people I reported. I got help with this from Ashley and I'm suffering more than ever now. 

Today i I had to get a ecg as I have Tachycardia and my heart is always over 100 bpm, chest is always sore and I had a back op not long ago. 

Now my fiancée wanted to stay tomorrow and booked a hotel as I don't like being around people and I hardly go out any more. Now her dad died of cancer and she saw hermitic stuff as this was 2am and she gets 2 hours sleep a night for over 15 years due to it and didn't want to be alone, I just lost it and said "no, **** off I don't want to be around you and I'm doubting our relationship, all you do is bug me to see me and I'm in hell myself and don't want to live", I feel horrible for this and I've never lost it like that, ever. I don't know what's going on with me and no one is heping me.

I'm in constant pain and distraction isn't working no more. They have given me 12 weeks and will dismiss me because they don't give a ****.

i applied for pip and they won't do a home visit because I can get a taxi to my appointments and don't care about my chest and back or leg pains, when I walk I get tired and my chest flares up so bad  

I need help and don't know how to get it, I'm constantly in tears and the slightest thing can set me off  

 

Edited by Marko2020
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This is why I hardly post here any more, no one hardy answers and it just gets to the point where it reinforces the loneliness and just like the NHS here, no one listens or cares any more in the world. 

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Thanks Unsurechap, I know we can all best it together and they say "talking is the best medicine". Some people seem to forget that in life as were not just dealing with OCD but depression too. 

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So according to my doctor it's the venlafaxine that's cause my techyatic. Gave me beta blockers to get heart down from 110bpm. I don't know if it will work as I have problems with beta blockers in the past. 

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