I feel heartbroken

[Guest Paul92]

I'm sorry for posting again, considering I only posted the other day.

I seriously cannot stop thinking about this ... I haven't ruminated like this in years.

How can I forgive myself for everything I've done?

This girl is driving me crazy. She consumes all my thoughts.

She thinks I am someone that I'm not. My past is so messed up. I'm not that person anymore. I would have to tell her everything, I couldn't keep anything from her ...

How could I ever expect anyone to accept me? Is this my punishment for everything I have done? I was seriously messed up. It all started trying to stand up to the thoughts and confront them and it escalated into something I never saw coming.

Today, the thoughts are pretty much gone and so are the feelings. But I feel like what I did surpassed my OCD and were just something that became a part of my behaviour.

Not to mention the other things I got up to. I was depressed, sleeping all the time, and generally not caring what happened to me. I never imagined I'd be in this situation today, never.

I've never felt so low, I truly truly mean it. I feel like I'm beyond help. But I want help.

This girl, there's nobody like her. I never allow myself to like anyone but we've been growing closer recently. But I just keep thinking I'm not who she thinks I am. I'd do anything to take back everything I've done, anything. Obviously, I can't do that.

She's a nice girl. Honest, hardworking, keeps herself to herself. Not a girl that needs my mess. It'd destroy her. But how could I keep anything from her? I've spoken to a friend who knows some of things I have done, and he says just don't tell her and he wouldn't feel the need to tell her. But I simply can't do that.

How can you commit yourself to someone completely without telling them everything? Especially things that would definitely change their opinion of you.

What on earth can I do? My heart is genuinely breaking.

[OceanDweller]

Hi Paul. Your past is nobody's business but your own. It's your present and your future you share with prospective partners. Stop punishing yourself. Life's too short not to take advantage of the opportunities that (all too seldom) come your way.

[Angst]

Hi Paul. The need to confess is part and parcel of certain types of OCD with imaginings of shameful events and guilt ridden memories and feelings of regret. Take your time, relax, pace yourself. It's your OCD doing the talking.

Edited May 12, 2017 by Angst

[Avo]

Hi Paul92,

I am sure everyone who uses this forum could reflect on their past and find things they are either embarrassed by or ashamed of. Nobody lives a 'perfect' life whatever that may be. I struggle at times with past events but you can't change them, you have to not ruminate over them which is easier said than done but CBT can improve the situation.  Your not obliged to tell this person anything about your past, things take time to develop and I suspect your maybe getting a bit a head of yourself, it would be better to get to know this person slowly,

Don't write off something that could be a nice development by consigning yourself to a life of misery. Have you had CBT at all? if not I would recommend trying to get referred.

[Wonderer]

Hiya! I remember thinking like that a lot in the past, but not anymore! I'm with my partner for over 15yrs, we met when I was 17 and we have a beautiful relationship to this day,,I'd like to say he knows everything about me but he doesn't, I've done things in the past I'm ashamed of, before I met him, I've never told him because he doesn't  need to know! I have a feeling he probably has secrets too, and they are his to keep and I respect that! When we fall in love or someone falls in love with us it's because of how we are in the present and with that person, nothing else matters!xx

[Guest Paul92]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm in a really dark place. I can't even string a sentence together! My previous post was a right load of mush. 

I wish I could take on board your advice. I wish I could take that attitude. I really do. I understand what you're all saying. 

When I commit to someone I just want to leave no stone unturned. The thing is, I really couldn't care less what she's done in her past. It would make no difference to me, but I'm a particularly openminded person. Not everyone is. 

Like I've said in the past, I think my last relationship died because of my need to confess everything and be 'whiter than white'. 

Also, the severity of what I did changes things in my view. My issues aren't trivial. Think of some of the worst things out there and then that's me. I've never harmed anyone, but my actions were shameful. I can honestly say that I'm not that person anymore, though. I really mean that, it's definitely all in the past. I just feel horrified about it all, and can't believe I was so stupid. But as I say, it's kill me to think I was keeping something from someone that would change their opinion of me. I don't want to waste their lives. 

I don't know what to do at all. I can't think straight. 

 

Thank you all so much for your support. I love you all. 

[Wonderer]

Paul u said "I can honestly say I'm not that person anymore" so why on earth would confessing ur past be beneficial? Ur ashamed of things u have done, which means u will not do them again. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone!!! Good people sometimes do bad things, that's part of being human! Good people regret those bad things and suffer from guilt, bad people don't. I know exactly what place ur in though, I've been there, I confessed a lot of things to my friends and family, I was convinced they'd all leave me, hate me, see me differently...this never happened, because the truth is, an OCD mind suffers with a very inflated sense of guilt so the mistakes we've made or things we are ashamed of are magnified x1000 compared with people who don't have the disorder. Now that I know that, when I get the urge to confess my not so shining moments in life I go against it because it's the disorder that wants me to do it and it does nothing but reinforce the OCD thinking on the subject and it doesn't change anything!x

Edited May 12, 2017 by Wonderer

[PolarBear]

Paul, some murderers forgive themselves and end up living in a peaceful state. You came nowhere near murdering someone. You can forgive yourself if you choose to and if you want to.

The big problem right now is that you are ruminating over your past like crazy. You keep going over it in your head and judging yourself. That's not going to get you anywhere.

One of my favorite quotes: Don't judge me by my past; I don't live there anymore.

Edited May 13, 2017 by PolarBear

[Guest Paul92]

I just don't think it's an inflated sense of guilt. It's real. I did terrible things. PolarBear knows, but he doesn't know that it got worse since we last spoke. I know that it's definitely behind me now, a long way behind me. 

 

Do do you guys really think it's okay to keep things to yourself? Even something that could potentially mean someone wouldn't want to be anywhere near you? In my last relationship my head wouldn't let me do that. I had to tell her everything so she knew exactly who I was, I think it's only fair. 

[OceanDweller]

27 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

Do do you guys really think it's okay to keep things to yourself?

I don't just think it's OK Paul, I think it's essential. I have been in relationships that have been effectively ruined by too much divulgence about the past. To reiterate, it's nobody's business but yours. If you dig this lady, go get her tiger!

[St Mike]

The way I look at it Paul, is you have to ask yourself what you really want.

I don't want to give recommendations, only humble opinions.

Each course of action will have its results. 

I do not know what wrong you did in the past. But if you are now a better person and strive to be a better person that you should base yourself on the present and not the past. You have to forgive yourself and move on. 

I am not against honesty about the past in a relationship, with both parties going in with their eyes open, this can result in a rock solid relationship because both parties know where they are coming from and have a stronger sense of trust with each other when dealing with things going into the future.

At the end of the day, if both parties really love each other and are truly committed to each other, then, the past shouldn't really matter to them. So, should the past be even brought up in the first place?

I do wish you good luck and hope you get that girl.

 

Edited May 13, 2017 by St Mike

[Guest Paul92]

To me, she's perfect. There's nobody like her.

I just wish I could feel like you describe. It seems so alien to me to just keep things a secret, especially considering the severity of it all. This is truly tearing me apart, I can't ever remember feeling like this about anything.

[OceanDweller]

5 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

To me, she's perfect. There's nobody like her.

I just wish I could feel like you describe. It seems so alien to me to just keep things a secret, especially considering the severity of it all. This is truly tearing me apart, I can't ever remember feeling like this about anything.

If you feel compelled to reveal to this lady your deepest, darkest secrets, then you do so in the knowledge that she may walk away. Having said that, if she's as uniquely perfect as you imagine, and it's written in the stars, she'll understand and respect you all the more for your candour. Hell of a gamble though pal.

[Wonderer]

You says he's perfect, but nobody is, I'm guessing she has her own secrets too. Seriously, treat ur current problem as OCD, ur compulsion is to confess, which means u shouldn't do it. Everything off screams at u to do, u scream back at it and resist the urges, the feelings ur having now will get less over time! 

[St Mike]

Are you doing this to ease your compulsion or to not contravene your own moral compass?

If your answer is the former, then I would suggest you resist the compulsion. It is not worth losing someone so precious due to OCD's trickery.

If your answer is the latter, then you would have to be prepared to lose her and the possible extreme grief that might come after. With great attachment, comes great pain when loss is suffered. 

57 minutes ago, OceanDweller said:

Hell of a gamble though pal.

Like OD said, it really really is a hell of a gamble.

Everyone is rooting for you and hope you've found and be able to keep your true love.

[PolarBear]

Paul, I suspect the reason you feel you would need to divulge all is because you have it set in your mind that you are a bad person and not worthy of forgiveness. You have to get past that. You have a mental disorder that pushed you to the brink. It overtook your sense of self, interfered with your morals and ethics and pushed you on a path that you now regret. What's done is done but you have the capability to forgive yourself. I did.

[Guest Paul92]

Thank you for your replies.

I think I'll probably have to let it go. I don't think it'd work out. I've too much respect for her, she doesn't need my problems. It's the right thing to do. Maybe in a few years I'd feel differently, but at the moment, I can't put her through it.

Thank you all

[OceanDweller]

8 minutes ago, Paul92 said:

Thank you for your replies.

I think I'll probably have to let it go. I don't think it'd work out. I've too much respect for her, she doesn't need my problems. It's the right thing to do. Maybe in a few years I'd feel differently, but at the moment, I can't put her through it.

Thank you all

I fear you might regret this decision Paul. You're allowing the past to dictate your future. I'm quite sure this amazing lady won't be waiting around for you to forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you've made. Life's too short to discard potential soulmates pal. Take it from one who knows.

[St Mike]

Hi Paul, 

I personally find it, a pity that you should let such an opportunity slip by, forgive me for being biased, I just want to hear good news from a fellow OCD sufferer.

As the old saying goes, time and tide waits for no man (or woman).

Recovering from OCD can take decades. It took me 11 years. We don't know how different you might feel in a few years time, but it can be quite certain that the lady will not be waiting that long, not that she doesn't have the patience but because she is not committed to you in anyway, and therefore be open to other suitors.

Well anyway, you do what you think is best for you, continue with your CBT, forgive yourself and put your past behind you.

 

 

[OceanDweller]

1 minute ago, St Mike said:

Recovering from OCD can take decades.

Good point. You might wait a lifetime before your OCD 'permits' you to date.

[Nancy Lee]

Paul,

Two points for you to think about, if I may:

1. Everybody is good, what varies is perspective.

2. Although you may not repeat what you did in the past, those past actions were not bad/wrong/etc.  

It would be easy for me to suggest that you concentrate on the present - what is past has gone and the future is yet to come - but I know that OCD will make no room for this right now.  You are likely in a lot of physical and mental pain, and telling you that "it takes time" is further injury.  I do not believe that anybody can write/speak the 'right' words in this moment, as you will likely weigh any up, analyse any, decipher meaning, etc... However, what I will say is that; although this is our first interaction, I will be thinking about you and will check back to see how you are...should you feel up to posting.  No pressure at all.

Nancy Lee.