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Feeling the fear - and doing it anyway!


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Hi, all

Just wanted to check in; have had a nice relaxing day off. Went up to town for lunch and came back absolutely stuffed but was well worth it! :D 

I wanted to ask you guys how you get along with feeling the fear and doing it anyway. As per I want to avoid reassurances, but I struggle with this and feel I'm living a stifled emotional life because I find I don't let myself 'do stuff.' Here follows a very, VERY specific example; I wrote a short fanfiction this afternoon for the Sherlock fandom but I've been struggling with some time as to whether I'm allowed to write a certain brand of fanfiction in this particular fandom (long story short: I feel I'm 'not allowed' to write Sherlock Holmes and John Watson together in any kind of vulnerability or intimacy, any kind of situation that requires physical contact or comfort - I know that sounds absolutely awful). I wrote the piece anyway because I was in need of carthasis and comfort but I fret so much over the details of everything I write. Common sense says I should dispense with the fear and do so but I'm scared I'll 'get into trouble' if I do. I feel this is a key example of how the anxiety is restricting my life and days because it doesn't take much for me to worry about something specific. That's not what I want; it definitely affects the quality of my life and it's incredibly upsetting. I feel that tightness in my heart, my chest and feel like I want to run away or do something else (I also find I start to tug out body hairs or pick at my skin when I'm feeling like this). I like to write fanfiction to comfort myself but then find I have to comfort myself all over again. :(

I have a feeling I know what my old psychologist would tell me but I feel a bit messed up and like I've spoilt everything for myself. I feel like I'm on a walking tightrope, or on a very tight leash. I just want to feel like I've done something productive. I know this sounds like an awful lot of pressure and I think I know what to do but I feel ridiculous about it all and feel like I'm pressing down on my brain and heart because I find I don't know what to do and what the 'right path' is essentially. I'm not sure what people will make of this but I just want to ask generally; do you feel that tightness in your chest, that pressing feeling, that urge to flee? Is that what it means to feel the fear and do it anyway?

C x

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I think what you're describing Cub is learning to sit with uncomfortable emotions. When I first got sober (oh no - he's going to bang on about THIS again) a major lesson for me was feeling however I felt without dashing for the nearest bar/off license/bottle of cough medicine (not really). It's a natural human response to try to avoid discomfort as soon as it begins. On many occasions, I've had to force myself to literally sit with fear, desperately resisting the urge to up and run. It takes practice. But today (despite what my 'Panic!' thread might suggest!), I'm able to tolerate difficult emotions. The way to do it is literally just to do it. To resist distracting oneself, or seeking reassurance, and just enduring it until it passes.

By the way, love Sherlock. It's just the best.

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Thankyou for that OD - and for replying so quickly in such a relatable manner. I hate it when these doubts and emotions happen because they're so disabling, in their way. It's so specific, that's the trouble and it's hard to know who to talk to about it. It gets to the point where I'm almost overhandling the story - I feel like I'm getting my grubby paws all over it to try and make it satisfactory or 'just right' if you will so I don't have to worry about it feeling like it's pricking at my conscience and I'm never happy with what I've written, which makes me feel even sadder. It's incredibly upsetting and makes me feel like a total jerk. It's to do with me; I love fandom life and I love being part of Sherlock fandom but I feel there are certain things I just cannot do anymore and that I want to do so badly. And yet I feel it's my fault I feel like this; OCD thoughts are just thoughts, I get that but I feel I led myself here and did this to myself, even though I'm aware of the pressure I put myself under.

I feel I ought to see a CBT therapist over this because this is a day to day struggle that I can't help but feel is making a huge difference to my quality of life in the long-run. I feel it's not healthy for me to think like this. I care about Sherlock, so Sherlock is involved in my OCD cycles. Isn't that ridiculous?

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You're welcome. Do you think your fear might stem from what others will think of your writing? Might you not trust your own judgement? I'm merely asking, by the way. I believe us OCDers have a tendancy towards perfectionism. I often take comfort in realising that 'good enough' is good enough.

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It's possible; I often fear judgement, I agree.

Sadly, right now I've got tears running down my cheeks but am watching Doctor Who to try and take my mind off it. 

It's times like this I fear that God doesn't love me anymore and I've beyond help and redemption; beyond His help because I feel like such a bad person when things like this happen. I've put weight on as well and feel like an overweight buffoon. Sadface. :(

I know - I'm imperfect. This is all just piling up mentally. I have to resist the urge to go and find someone to talk to to let me know it'll be okay. Gotta keep going.

C x

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It's not ridiculous at all cub, OCD seems to focus on things of importance whether it be our loved ones or a passion it can be virtually anything. I think OceanDweller has given you some spot on advice but it does take practice and patience but eventually the anxiety does subside. I was passionate about sewing and making bridal gowns and eventually the OCD destroyed that and stole that passion from me. Please try not to make the same mistake has I did and let it destroy something you are passionate about. 

Best wishes lost :)

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Thankyou, Lost - however, I'm saddened that you lost your love for embroidery. :( I hope you get it back one day. 

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I'm on my first step back there Cub :yes: it's been over ten years since I used it, in fact it had seized up and wouldn't work but I've oiled it and it's running good now so I'm up and running again and delighted. However I knew the intrusive thoughts accompanying this would return which they have but I'm working hard on accepting them and seeing them for what they are and like thinking oh it's just OCD at work again and not giving it my attention. Here's hoping after doing this over and over again eventually I can continue to enjoy doing something I'm passionate about. Who knows one day I might even get back to my jewellery making also but one step at a time :)

Sending you my best wishes and really hope you can get past this :)

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