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After being totally able to turn the page of HIV, i've come across a harder obsession to go through.

2 nights ago, I had a dream in which I cried my heart out because I wasn't a girl (kind of). In the dream I fell in love with a straight man, and I was ultimately rejected for being gay.

I woke up with a lot of anxiety, performing compulsions such as looking up when trans people realised it and stuff like that.

Before this, I HAD NEVER EVER HAD DOUBTS ABOUT EITHER MY GENDER OR BODY. I've been exposed to transexuality (example: watched videos of people transitioning in the past and never felt aroused). A couple days ago I was pretty much confident about my gender and now it's all a mess. I don't want a sex change, I think about it and makes me sick. I want to stay a boy. But on the inside, I am somewhat girly. In the movies, it's more likely that I connect better with female characters, in imagination games, I'm more attached to girls than boys. I feel like I don't fit in the "men category". A girly category would suit me better (as for personality traits)

I love my body, my face. I love being complimented. I love being refered with masculine pronouns (feminine pronouns don't actually bother me either), I love everything about my gender, but I am more girly than boy when it comes to personal traits.

I've always wished for me to be a straight man. I once even wished I was born a girl, that way I wouldn't have had to cope with rejection and discrimination. Somewhere down the road, I want to build a family, and I've always wanted to carry my own child, since I suspect I will end up alone for having OCD and not fully accepting myself.

In short, I wouldn't mind having been born a girl, but I am a boy and I've always been happy with that fact, up until that  dream along with my stupid OCD.

I fear I am in denial, but let's be honest, if I had been born a girl my life should've been way easier. This is what's taunting me, making me think that I am somehow a Trans.

Any opinions on this would be appreciated.

Edited by Ashley
Removed trigger warning.
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Hi,

Sorry you're having a difficult time right now. Just to be clear for the rest of the forum because we don't use the acronyms and TOCD is totally unknown, just to clarify it refers to transsexuality OCD? A fear of being transexual?

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1 hour ago, Ashley said:

Hi,

Sorry you're having a difficult time right now. Just to be clear for the rest of the forum because we don't use the acronyms and TOCD is totally unknown, just to clarify it refers to transsexuality OCD? A fear of being transexual?

that's it.

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Ok.   Reading your post (and it's been a long Saturday already so forgive me if I have misinterpreted) but I wonder if this is less (T)OCD but more (H)OCD, your fear/obsession you describe seems more about wanting to be a straight man.

Now the reason I placed the H and T parts in brackets is because that aspect is actually irrelevant, it is the way your OCD is dealing with the thoughts that is the problem.   Emotions are felt as a result of our interpretation of the situation rather than as a result of the situation of being attracted.

Effectively this is nothing to do with you being a guy, girl, gay, straight, bi or transsexual, this is all about the 'fear of' and uncertainty caused by the OCD.  Does that make sense?


Ashley

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37 minutes ago, Ashley said:

Ok.   Reading your post (and it's been a long Saturday already so forgive me if I have misinterpreted) but I wonder if this is less (T)OCD but more (H)OCD, your fear/obsession you describe seems more about wanting to be a straight man.

Now the reason I placed the H and T parts in brackets is because that aspect is actually irrelevant, it is the way your OCD is dealing with the thoughts that is the problem.   Emotions are felt as a result of our interpretation of the situation rather than as a result of the situation of being attracted.

Effectively this is nothing to do with you being a guy, girl, gay, straight, bi or transsexual, this is all about the 'fear of' and uncertainty caused by the OCD.  Does that make sense?


Ashley

The only thing that I am certain is that I don't want to change my body, nothing, I want to stay a boy, I don't want to undertake a transition, only thinking about it makes me anxious

Is it that strange if I feel more identified with women caracters rather than men characters? Is it that wrong don't minding having born the opposite sex? I hate OCD, I am even doubtful about myself.

According to what I read, transexuality is sth you know since forever, just like being gay. How come this can come to me now?

It feels so real, just like Schizo OCD

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This was my main obsession for 3 years and I can honestly say out of all of the obsessions I've had over the years that was the worst one. Like with yours mine came on very suddenly. I was reading an article in the news about a transgender person who had just came out, and I remember having the intrusive thought "omg what if I'm really transgender?", when like you prior to this I had no worries regarding that at all.

It was the intensity of this obsession which was the reason I sought out therapy, as up until then I'd been managing (or not managing!) my OCD on my own. I was greatly helped by CBT and ERP from an OCD specialist and I can now say I'm 99% recovered from this obsession.

Have you had any CBT therapy before? If not I recommend you look into it, as like I said I struggled and suffered greatly with this obsession for 3 years before I sought help, 3 years which were effectively wasted because I left it so long to get help.

If you can't access therapy then a brilliant self-help book is "Break Free from OCD". I use that now intermittently to refresh myself of the techniques I have learnt and to try and keep myself symptom free.

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3 hours ago, Lynz said:

This was my main obsession for 3 years and I can honestly say out of all of the obsessions I've had over the years that was the worst one. Like with yours mine came on very suddenly. I was reading an article in the news about a transgender person who had just came out, and I remember having the intrusive thought "omg what if I'm really transgender?", when like you prior to this I had no worries regarding that at all.

It was the intensity of this obsession which was the reason I sought out therapy, as up until then I'd been managing (or not managing!) my OCD on my own. I was greatly helped by CBT and ERP from an OCD specialist and I can now say I'm 99% recovered from this obsession.

Have you had any CBT therapy before? If not I recommend you look into it, as like I said I struggled and suffered greatly with this obsession for 3 years before I sought help, 3 years which were effectively wasted because I left it so long to get help.

If you can't access therapy then a brilliant self-help book is "Break Free from OCD". I use that now intermittently to refresh myself of the techniques I have learnt and to try and keep myself symptom free.

Oh gosh, didn't you ever seek past memories to see if you ever felt like you didn't belong in your body? I am now more atentive when speaking languages. In both French and Spanish we have to add a gender termination, and now I am just waiting to speak off the cuff in any of these two to realise how I feel, which has always been a male. 

Seriously I have never considered it, been exposed to it, always encouraging trans people to go for it... I thought I had this pretty much figured out.

Damn it... As for therapy, I am itching my hands for it, but I don't think I can't afford it...

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You name the compulsion and I guarantee I did it. It was relentless. I've found an old thread of mine that I posted when I had it quite bad. There's some good advice in there from other forum users - 

If you can't afford therapy then definitely check out that book I recommended. It's a lifesaver.

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7 minutes ago, Lynz said:

If you can't afford therapy then definitely check out that book I recommended. It's a lifesaver.

I will.

7 minutes ago, Lynz said:

You name the compulsion and I guarantee I did it. It was relentless. I've found an old thread of mine that I posted when I had it quite bad. There's some good advice in there from other forum users - 

What's really disturbing me is the fact that I felt identified with femenine characters from as long as I can remember, I wanted to "adopt" their personality into my male personality.

I am now reading anecdotes of trans who have had this realization later on in life. I thought this was just like being gay, you know since you're a child. This has made me panic

In addition, I have tried on one of my sister's top just to check how it felt. I felt totally weird, and was really "disgusted" by it.

At least I am not losing my "wow i look handsome" thing.

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STOP researching about transgender people. Stop it!  It's a compulsion and will only make matters worse for you.

There is a pathetically simple solution to this theme. Be a straight man. If that's what you want the be that person. All thoughts to the contrary are irrelevant and should be dismissed.

Oh, it's a lot of work to do that but you're new to this theme so nip it in the bud now.

Edited by PolarBear
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15 hours ago, PolarBear said:

There is a pathetically simple solution to this theme. Be a straight man. If that's what you want the be that person. All thoughts to the contrary are irrelevant and should be dismissed.

 

Thanks for your response, but I can't be straight. I am gay, and always knew since I had consciousness. 

Nevetheless, I've always desired that for me. Everything would be way easier that way.

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21 hours ago, PAVLIS97 said:

What's really disturbing me is the fact that I felt identified with femenine characters from as long as I can remember, I wanted to "adopt" their personality into my male personality.

The gender of characters you desire to emulate is irrelevant to whether you are gay, straight, transgender, or whatever sexuality you identify with. Look upon such desirable characteristics as personality traits, not gender traits. 

It is only culture which assigns particular characteristics to masculinity or femininity, but these stereotypes mean nothing in terms of nature or genes. Go to a different culture in another part of the world and it is seen as masculine to cry, feminine to be domineering; they are all just cultural beliefs which have nothing to do with actual gender, let alone sexual orientation. 

Separate gender from sexuality (sexual orientation) and it all becomes a lot less confusing. It also becomes a lot less important what sexuality you happen to be, because the cultural norms around what you 'ought' to be and how you 'ought' to behave or feel are removed. Don't be duped into believing one set of cultural norms is 'correct' or that a particular culture's gender stereotypes have anything to do with your sexuality. 

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1 hour ago, snowbear said:

The gender of characters you desire to emulate is irrelevant to whether you are gay, straight, transgender, or whatever sexuality you identify with. Look upon such desirable characteristics as personality traits, not gender traits. 

 

I figured this, in my imaginations games a girl is always the main character, but when a boy comes to play, it's me. My apperance, name and personality included. That's my masculine side, myself.

Thx for your answer, I still feel like I want to talk this through with a therapist (always mentioning my OCD background and that I had never felt this way before). Can't wait until I finally go on therapy

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