Feeling deeply upset

[Cub]

Hi all

Been having a bad couple of days, feeling depressed and down in the dumps since my trigger earlier this week. Been struggling to stay positive at work and people have been asking me if I'm okay. Been going through mental ruminations but been trying to keep it at bay.

I had some friends over this evening and we had a lovely time. But I'm struggling to settle down to sleep and never seem to get enough rest. I thought I would write down some of what was bothering me and it's just made me feel worse because I wrote about how I've been feeling this way for over four years and if there's nothing to worry about, why did I worry for so long? And I feel I completely ruined my Mum's final year; she was terminally ill, I was stuck at home and trying to find a job and wrapped up in my own thoughts. Right through Mum's illness it was there and I just didn't engage with her because of more trivial matters.

This has all hit me at once and I hate myself and feel in a not great place; I've been feeling rubbish and stupid and worthless all weekend and feel as though I shouldn't be here. I feel no matter where I go the OCD will follow and continue to ruin my life and I'll let it. I fear never being happy because I'll never be able to engage. I don't like myself at all and feel I'm kidding myself every time I try and let go.

I just don't know how to fix this. I don't know what to do. 

C x

[PhilM]

Hi Cub - you are clearly having a tough time and carrying quite a burden regarding your mum. You have OCD which is not your fault and unfortunately it sounds like you went through a difficult patch at the same time your mum was very poorly? I doubt very much your mother felt you had ruined her final year and I'm sure there were times when you were supportive and caring?

You SHOULD be here - it is a horrible condition but there is hope as I have started to discover in the last year after 20 years + with this condition. Self-hatred is a horrendous emotion but try and cut yourself some slack. I know it is more complicated than that but maybe just try and be a bit kinder to yourself.

Best wishes, Phil

[Wonderer]

I agree with Phil cub, cut yourself some slack, it must've been horrendous dealing with OCD and ur mums situation, u are ill too, don't forget that, u didn't choose to have OCD and u certainly didn't ask for it to affect u as it did, i am sure ur mum was well aware u were trying ur best despite being crippled with ur own illness! Negative self talk I think comes along with OCD and it's only when we give ourselves permission to be kind to ourselves do we realise how horrid we have been being to ourselves, don't talk to yourself in a way that U wouldn't talk to others, ur just as important as everybody else. I hope u feel better soon, X

[Guest Paul92]

Hi Cub - not sure if you remember me, but sending you my thoughts. You're stronger than you think. You'll get there. 

[Cub]

Thankyou for the kind words of support, guys.

Sadly I'm struggling to sleep again tonight, beleagured by negative thoughts about things that make me angry. I seem to focus on small things that annoy me - in this case, thinking about a know-it-all who I feel nitpicks everything I do - and just getting angry. It's amazing how my mood can fluctuate. I feel so tense at night: anxiety and overthinking has become my default mode and I don't seem to feel comfortable any other way. Which makes me feel deeply uncomfortable. I feel so stupid and such a moron.

C x

[St Mike]

Hi Cub,

In my humble opinion and I say this with all due respect, the best way to honour the love one who had passed on, is to live a well and productive life. Since the clock can't be turned back, you can honour your mom, by leading a happy, fulfilling life. Like all mothers, they only want the best for their children and are most willing to forgive them.

Self loathing and mental self-flagellation will get you nowhere other than more mental pain.

Forgive yourself, focus your mind and thoughts on picking yourself up and leading a brighter life.

Take care

Edited May 22, 2017 by St Mike

[Cub]

You have all been very kind to leave these comments; this was a bad night for me and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I got onto a friend who had been around earlier and she calmed me down and offered to come back around - I refused the offer as we'd had a lovely night with Doctor Who and sandwiches. I just felt overwhelmed by the negativity. My friend talked me through it and I remembered that despite the bad times, my Mum and I had a wonderful last day; we were preparing the house for Christmas and wrapping presents together. And that's worth everything. Despite all of that, our last day together after a month apart was absolutely perfect and we were happy. I'm lucky - unfortunately my brothers didn't get that privilege but I did. And Mum and I loved each other; she was my best friend and confidante and we did everything together. I've been socially awkward, more so, since she died because I've realised how much I miss that companionship, that unconditional confidence where you can just be yourself. You don't have to worry about making conversation, about making an impression, about filling a silence because she knows you. It's all the little things I miss - it hit me after she died that I have not just lost my Mum, but my pal and it was so difficult.

I'm much better now; perhaps I do have unresolved issues about this. I've come very far and I've often put up a front of 'Mum died, but look at me, I'm okay!' I've been loathing myself for such a long time but at least I'm still here. I just feel I care far too much; I'm seeking that feeling of 'perfection' and rightness in everything I do. The prospect of leading a brighter life feels slightly alien as I'm not sure if I remember how; I'm so used to feeling bad. Unfortunately it's like a constant companion; I feel more normal feeling bad than I do feeling good.  I just feel wherever I go it's with me and there's an association of that feeling here with me in Wales. It's like I always associate OCD with living spaces and I associate it a lot with where I live because I've often been up and down those streets with those worries on my mind and so I feel as though where I live is stale, that those worries are all around me. It's very difficult and I feel so ashamed. But I am obsessive compulsive and that is that. it's hard for me though to even just say that as it feels so real and it feels as though something bad has happened and I'm using OCD as a shield, an excuse; it doesn't feel valid and I feel I'm kidding myself. But I don't want to be clamping down on myself, either. I want to live a happy life but I fear that's just beyond my reach, now.

C x

 

[Avo]

Hi Cub,

You write very movingly about your relationship with your Mum. I lost my Mum to cancer and it will be 6 years this October.  I questioned if I had been a good son to her and if I could have maybe told her i loved her more than I did. Her illness was a very fast moving one and she went down hill very quickly and within about 3 weeks of diagnosis she had been admitted to a hospice where she died a few days later.

Being a typical man I struggled with telling her I loved her when she was healthy but I did manage to tell her in her final days. You sum up very nicely how she was your confidante and you could be completely yourself with her. I too struggle a bit socially I am ok with small groups but struggle with larger more boisterous groups and I often don’t know how to behave I worry if I am being too quiet and too withdrawn etc. This is often the case at my work, it’s a very social place and I feel I struggle to integrate sometimes.

 It was like this for me and my Mum, she loved me warts and all and I could always ask her for advice and to this day I wish I could pick up the phone and pick her brains on things. I didn’t appreciate when she was alive that she was in some way my ‘protector’ even though I had not lived at home for 10 years and have a family of my own I have always felt a bit more vulnerable since she died and realise how she was always trying to look out for me.

I am sure your Mum loved you warts and all too, you have OCD and that is not your fault please don’t beat yourself up over feeling you were too wrapped up in your own thoughts, that is the nature of OCD it makes us very inward focussed.

You deserve  to be happy, you should not feel ashamed about anything. I do get what you say about feeling happy, OCD is often so ingrained in us I struggle to honestly recognise if I am happy or not sometimes if I have what feels like a pleasant day I start ruminating to see if I can almost find some negative element it’s almost like I sometime can’t allow myself to be happy. I think low self-esteem can go hand in hand with OCD or at least in does with me and that effects things for me.

I am currently embarking on another course of CBT, it sounds like you have had CBT before but I know this is a very effective treatment for OCD, I am hoping to get better after a relapse, I wonder if you could to the same and get yourself referred?

Avo

[Cub]

Avo, I'm late (as per) replying to this message but I really appreciate you sharing your own story about losing your Mum. I'm so sorry for your own loss and understand that thinking; I often think, 'Could I have been a better or more supportive daughter?' I too have felt vulnerable since my Mum died although I find marvellous comfort in my Dad. Thankyou for thr kind words.

I understand what you mean about struggling in a social work environment; it's the same with me. All my co-workers are very kind and I do my best to be friendly and polite but I'm rubbish at getting close to people generally and I've often felt very paranoid about being disliked or even *sigh* victimised, assuming no-one likes me. I'm a pretty self-obsessed individual and much to my own shame, I get envious very easily so I often watch everyone chatting and laughing and feel left out. I seem to struggle with big group gatherings, where I've found myself floundering and then feeling lost - and also one on ones, where I feel I have to fill the conversation or risk an awkward silence!  Small groups are just the ticket.

I'm doing my best to do the things that make me happy but I don't think I can do this alone - I just don't quite know how to go about it or indeed broach the subject with Dad! I'm definitely suffering low self-esteem and it's very upsetting. I know the past is the past and it can't be changed but my feelings and emotions have crippled me over the last few years and the quality of my life has lessened. That said, every life is a pile of good things and bad things and I've done my best with what I've got. I've held on alright and I found something to live for with my new job. I have had some hard times - OCD rattling around my head, feeling isolated from everybody else, feeling undermined - but there have also been good ones.

Thankyou again to you and to everyone else who replied to this post.

C x