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Trauma, Sleep and Obsessive Thoughts


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Hello. 

I have recently been suffering with a lot of nightmares and ruminating thoughts when trying to get to sleep. 

I struggle with sleep anyway due to intrusive thoughts. But recently they have been so much worse. 

I was on Westminster Bridge during the terrorist attack on 22nd March and since then I have spent countless nights worrying that myself, my family or my friends could die at any moment. I worry that I should have done more after the attack rather than running away. I worry about what would have happened if I was 10 seconds ahead of where I was. I am feeling constantly guilty and I am constantly questioning why I decided to cross the bridge that day - why I didn't cross Hungerford Bridge like I normally do. 

I am still undiagnosed, although I have been diagnosed with anxiety. But I haven't found CBT helpful because there is so much that makes me anxious that I find it too overwhelming to even talk about it and don't know where to begin. I am too ashamed of many of my intrusive thoughts to share them out loud, and I was only offered CBT over the phone, where I would become so anxious about finding somewhere private to have the conversation that it just made my anxiety far, far worse. 

I am feeling very lost and alone at the moment.

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This might be OCD but have you considered this might be PTSD? You went through a traumatic event. Not sleeping and having your mind filled with questions makes sense either way.

Do you happen to currently have an aversion to loud noises?

I think you should go to your doctor and explain what you're going through. Ask for help.

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I do. Every time I hear a loud noise, a siren, or even when I am at a busy crossing. I think "what if the car comes off the road". 

I have considered it might be PTSD, but then I don't know whether it's just a natural reaction to an awful event, and that I will eventually get over it. 

I feel like I need to see a specialist, but I just keep getting referred to CBT, which I have to do over the phone and I end up getting so stressed about finding somewhere private to have the CBT, that I end up more stressed that I was before. 

I can barely remember the last time I had a decent night's sleep. 

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I've booked a GP appointment in a couple of weeks time. 

I saw my neurologist today as I have epilepsy and I told him how much I have been struggling, and he has recommended CBT, but I don't think I can cope with trying to find time for the phone calls every week, and I can't take time out of work. I don't know what to do. I don't want it to seem like I'm not compliant with their treatments, but I just feel like nothing is working for me. 

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1 hour ago, Milo said:

I don't think I can cope with trying to find time for the phone calls every week, and I can't take time out of work.

Why don't you approach your boss/supervisor at work and explain you have been referred for treatment? Put it in a positive light from your employer's perspective by saying you've been offered the opportunity to have this treatment over the phone which could mean less time off work overall, but that in order to utilise the offer of phone sessions you require a quiet place to take the call(s) where you will not be interrupted or overheard.

Put the ball in their court that they have a choice of providing you with somewhere private for an hour before you return directly to work, or they allow you the time off work to travel to sessions, have treatment, travel back to the office... 

You don't need to tell them that travelling to face-to-face sessions hasn't been offered as yet. Just make it seem like it's in their interests to support you within the office environment. (It's an employer's legal duty to allow reasonable time off for medical treatment so this is a win-win for them if they help you out.) 

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I find it so difficult to admit that I'm struggling. I know my boss would be fine with it, but I would feel really guilty. I already have to have time off for doctors appointments, I feel like asking for time off for therapy would irritate them - even if they don't say it. 

My boss recommended a telephone counselling service that is through my company which I have used a couple of times. They have a 24 hour phone service, which I ended up calling at 3am a couple of days after the attack. I keep thinking I should call them again, but they are only to listen, rather than actively help with anything if that makes sense? 

I just kind of feel at a loss right now because I don't know what will help, I just know I can't carry on like this. 

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I am sorry to hear that you had to go through such an awful thing.

I see eye to eye with PolarBear, you may want to go get checked before making any asumptions.

Due to what you went through, this insomnia could be caused by some other disorder. It could even be temporary.

 

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On 2017-5-23 at 19:53, Milo said:

I find it so difficult to admit that I'm struggling. I know my boss would be fine with it, but I would feel really guilty.

People often underestimate how much their boss is aware of their struggles. Your boss may be concerned but feel uncertain how to raise the issue if it's not yet seriously affecting your ability to do your job. It can be a relief to an employer to learn an employee is taking responsibility and seeking help rather than pretending everything is ok when its not. 

Feeling guilty about taking time off to look after your own health is bad self-management. :dry: Think how it  would look if you were describing this reaction as a skill on a job application: 'I indulge myself in guilt trips when I'm not coping and prefer to allow the rest of the team to carry me rather than improve my performance to benefit the team as a whole.' Not good. :laugh: 

Guilt is a waste of time and energy. Ditch the guilt, sort the problem and get on with life.

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Thank you. 

Sorry I have been off the forum for a while, I had an epileptic seizure and broke my arm, so went back to my family for some R&R. 

The seizure was almost definitely caused by the Manchester terror attack causing flashbacks and a panic attack. 

I am currently trying to bring myself to get help. I spoke to my neurologist, who has upped my medication, which will hopefully help me to sleep. I have also booked an appointment with my GP and I will explain the problem I am having. 

 

I am just exhausted right now. Broken arm is stopping me sleeping, nightmares are waking me up when I do get to sleep, and I am spending my days walking around like a zombie. 

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Hi Milo,

Flashbacks leave you emotionally exhausted even if you were sleeping. But this can be treated. When you start to confront the memories (with the help of a therapist) they become less problematic. You probably need to begin with Cognitive Processing therapy (which contains elements of CBT) to deal with the trauma you experienced in March. When you're more your 'normal self' you can continue the sessions as CBT for OCD if necessary. 

The first step is to see your GP to discuss options. Let us know how things go. :hug: 

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Thanks. I have my GP appointment this evening. I am trying to figure out what I need to say so I can word it correctly and make sure I say everything I need to say. 

I'm a very good talker, so I am worried I will mess it up and leave without the help I need. 

I am already starting to panic and I'm holding back the tears because I am just exhausted, emotionally and physically at the moment. 

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Hey!

So I saw the doctor yesterday. I actually got a bit teary, and struggled to get through the appointment. She has given me some tablets to help me sleep, and referred me to a counselling service. 
I didn't go into my OCD/intrusive thoughts, as I found it difficult enough to tell her about the attacks. 
I have been very anxious and panicky today, I think the thought of sitting down and properly talking about what I saw is a scary prospect, but I know it needs to be done.

 

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