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Hi, it's me again. I would to thank the wonderful users that replied to my last topic :) 

I just feel so fed up. Like I said in my last post I've been dealing with sexuality based obsessions for two and a half years with no break in between. Other themes have come and gone but this one won't budge! The good news is that my anxiety and depression has decreased so I can function; but I still feel so empty. I feel like what's the point if I can't get my identity back? Was it even part of my identity? Was I comfortable with it? Was I just pretending? Have I been on too many OCD websites that I am able to mimick a sufferer and act like it is ocd? What if my sexuality was a phase? I don't even identify myself as anything and I just feel so confused all the time. My compulsions have stopped so I don't understand why I would still be feeling like this. If I'm not doing any compulsions they shouldn't be affecting me this much, as well as my attractions having come back. 

i feel like this isn't OCD and it's me just not accepting myself and being in denial. Especially since the 'theme' (if it is my OCD) has not left. I feel as those with real obsessions change after a few months but with me that hasn't happened. I also feel as though I will never get past this without it being in the background. It's always going to be there. I absolutely hate it! 

Sorry again for the ramble, I just wanted to reach out and see if anyone else could relate or if anyone has overcame this particular type of OCD. 

Thanks again :)  

Edited by don't know
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Hi there.

Just know that you're not the only one. I'm suffering the exact same. Suffering? Maybe I'm just pretending to suffer. I honestly don't know for sure. I'm a guy though, I know you're a girl :p

For me it all started with a simple thought. I had a day off school. I thought about the thought too much and suddenly. Boom, anxiety struck and I immediately got ill. What if I was gay? I had never even thought about it, never been into guys around me, but suddenly I thought it could be so real. Since then things have gotten worse and worse. At the start it was only for a day, though extreme anxiety. I think I can say with confidence I've done every 'am-I-gay' test on the internet there is, just to assure myself I wasn't gay. All tests said I wasn't, yet that only gave me reassurement for a really short time. Minutes later I got anxious again. 'What if I was lying to myself? What if I was just 'suppressing' being gay?'.

Nowadays it seems like everything is weird. Since that moment it seemed like my whole life changed. Around every corner of the street there's another guy walking, which I have to force myself to look away for. I try to avoid anything that could 'stimulate' being gay. (I know it sounds weird, I can't help it) I avoid conversations about being gay, or anything that has to do with it. It has even come to the point where when I have to hand out stuff I 'calculate' what's the best way to not look gay. It's a pain, yet I can't seem to stop it. I don't know if I'm just lying to myself and finding excuses for not being gay, or if it's really this OCD thing.

I'm afraid I can't help you with overcoming this. I have good and bad days. I think I'm in love with a girl, (think, because maybe I'm convincing myself I am. Who knows...) which makes things even more complicated. When I'm near here everything feels good, when I return home I suddenly start to think too much and anxiety strikes again. Sometimes things look bright, sometimes I just I had never been there. It just feels like the world has never been the same - and will never be - after that one thought I had back then.

I know I'm probably best off getting professional help, but not even my parents or friends know of it. What if I turn out to be gay after I just said I have OCD? What if that all turned out to be a lie? Even though I get disgusted by the thought of guy making love and having... you know, I still get told by my mind that I'm gay.

I hope there'll be a bright light at the end of the tunnel. Until then, we'll just have to keep on going.

Edited by Anonymous Number
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Hi, thanks for the reply! 

I hope that things get better for you :) 

But at this point, I really don't see a point in trying anymore. It's obviously not OCD and it's just me trying to find an excuse. I've spoken to people and they say it's just me being silly or a professional I saw a while back said that it was just thoughts and they weren't true. It's every single day it goes on and on and on. I just really don't know anything anymore. I'm sorry to be so negative and complaining but it's just so frustrating. My case isn't like anybody else's, my compulsion have stopped, I don't feel attraction towards anyone, I don't really want to date. I just feel so lost because I can never go back to a time when this wasn't on my mind.

At this point I don't even believe it is ocd. 

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If I had $1 for every time someone with sexual orientation obsessions said they felt it wasn't OCD, I could afford Chinese food for supper.

If it's OCD, and chances are it is, coming to the solution that it's not OCD WON'T fix the problem. You'll continue to swim in a miasma of doubt.

As for your compulsions stopping, I highly doubt they have. You just don't recognize what you're doing as a compulsion. The biggest compulsion is ruminating, which is going over intrusive thoughts in your head, again and again, and not arriving at an answer. It's analyzing the thoughts, trying to figure out if you're gay or not. And I'll bet you do that, loads.

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I just said, ruminating. It's a compulsion.

After you get an intrusive thought, do you sit there and have mental arguments with yourself over what your sexual orientation is?

Edited by PolarBear
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