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My OCD is blocking me from having a job


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Hello, guys. My name is Alex and Im 22. Currently im suffering from OCD that is manifested in learning songs in english. First of all I want to say that my OCD started last summer

and in some kind of way i can tell myself that my OCD helped me to get out of some kind of mess in my head. Since my college studying ended i've immediatly had anxiety that become higher and higher with every day and my mind been messed up in a lot ways making me tired and not giving me a chance to do anything that i want.

I think my anxiety was triggered by my social phobia as i really having some problems with that and its difficult for me to contact with someone in real life or in chats because im thinking that my speech will not be good for listener. Maybe my anxiety started because all my friends at college are left now and its time to find other, idk.

Well, after college has ended and we had 6 months to do our final exam, for 5 months i've been every day tired and messed up, every day disputes with parents, started drinking alcohol, literally was thinking that im piece of s*** and i was screaming in pillow because of pain and thoughts in my head. But before the 2 weeks before the final exam my duty was to memorize a lot of exam text and you know what, after 1 day of full learning and passing the exam, the first of my thought when i came back home "Why not to learn song in english?" and then it began, since then im learning english songs everyday at 6 p.m. and what it makes more strange for me that after learning text i have no worry and some bad thougts that give me pain. I guess my OCD is related with bad thoughs that give me pain and using this method difuse them?

Also i live with a girlfriend, that helped me to get to live with her. If i wouldnt live with her, then learning text alone at my house i guess wouldnt help me. I guess because im living with her, im feeling comfortable in a plan that it is a person that i can trust, feel comfortable and i know she's not bad for me regarding to my social phobia. So, when i live with her

i feel pretty comfortable and i can learn text in english. Want to make a note, that when she is not at home for a long time, my anxiety about it in the past sometimes left me, sometimes not.

But my question is, that, yeah, i live pretty comfortable now because i live with girl, and i can learn text, but everything is pretty good except one thing. I cant get myself to start working because my of OCD. Here how it works:

If i wake up at 11 p.m. (morning) then i'm starting to learng text at 6p.m. that take not much time, 6 lines of text with no pain.

But if i awake BEFORE 11 p.m. then at 6p.m. i need to learn ~16-30 lines that take ~1-1:30 hours. Because when i wake up earlier my body reacts to this stress with

pain and for a full day im thinking about how hard is going to be to get rid of this pain when i start to learn text. At the learning time my back muscles literally unlenching after spending time, and to unlench them completely i have to learn more and more before it finally realises and i feel no pain and feel comfortable.

Im asking you for advice, maybe someone know how to ease this pain? I want to go work as all people but when i think about that i have to get up before 11p.m. and how

would i tell to anyone that im doing that stuff it paralyzes me. Maybe someone having some this kind of OCD? Also, maybe someone could understand from WHAT danger my OCD is protecting me? I hope someone will help me with some advice. Thanks.

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9 hours ago, FishZone said:

my social phobia as i really having some problems with that and its difficult for me to contact with someone in real life or in chats because im thinking that my speech will not be good for listener. Maybe my anxiety started because all my friends at college are left now and its time to find other

9 hours ago, FishZone said:

for 5 months i've been every day tired and messed up, every day disputes with parents, started drinking alcohol, literally was thinking that im piece of s*** and i was screaming in pillow because of pain and thoughts in my head.

9 hours ago, FishZone said:

Also i live with a girlfriend, that helped me to get to live with her. If i wouldnt live with her, then learning text alone at my house i guess wouldnt help me. I guess because im living with her, im feeling comfortable in a plan that it is a person that i can trust, feel comfortable and i know she's not bad for me regarding to my social phobia. So, when i live with her

Based on what I can make out of your statements, your intrusive thoughts are those of low self-esteem, social phobia and lost of friendship. These thoughts are causing you mental pain.

 

9 hours ago, FishZone said:

the first of my thought when i came back home "Why not to learn song in english?" and then it began, since then im learning english songs everyday at 6 p.m. and what it makes more strange for me that after learning text i have no worry and some bad thougts that give me pain. I guess my OCD is related with bad thoughs that give me pain and using this method difuse them?

I think you are quite right. It seems that your compulsion is learning English songs. It is only when you learn songs you feel comfortable and you can't stop because the mental pain will come back.

9 hours ago, FishZone said:

Im asking you for advice, maybe someone know how to ease this pain? I want to go work as all people but when i think about that i have to get up before 11p.m. and how

would i tell to anyone that im doing that stuff it paralyzes me

The way I see, it is your intrusive thoughts, thoughts that cause "pain" are making you do the compulsion of learning English songs and this compulsion is "paralysing" you.

As you are already aware of, with OCD, it is the intrusive or unwanted thoughts that cause sufferers to feel distress and anxiety. To ease the distress and anxiety, the sufferer will have to perform a compulsive action, physically or mentally, however performing the compulsion will only bring temporary relief. The sufferer continue to experience the intrusive thought(s) and need to perform the compulsion(s), repeatedly or else they suffer distress and anxiety. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or commonly known as CBT is most common and recommended method of treating OCD.

The root of the problem lies with the intrusive thought and how one view and respond to that thought. For example, regarding your thoughts of low esteem, you must first let yourself know you are someone of value, you are not a piece of ***t. It doesn't matter how anyone else think of you. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses, good and bad points, nobody is perfect. Once you do this, you would know all thoughts of low self-esteem are nonsense. They are not worth thinking about and not worth worrying about and therefore not worth reacting to it by performing the compulsion of learning English songs. You have to stop the compulsion of learning songs and readjust your body's time clock to allow you to go to work at regular working hours after you have found a job. In my personal experience, I realised that intrusive thoughts and compulsions are self-reinforcing, doing the compulsions strengthens the intrusive thought which in turn becomes more frequent and intense which then led to more compulsions. Breaking the intrusive thought - compulsion cycle is the key to recovering from OCD. 

There are many tips and good advice you can find in this forum. One method you can find in the ocduk website is the Four Steps approach. You can read about it and see how it can be applied to your context. You can also check out breath meditation for dealing with anxiety and mindfulness meditation to handle your intrusive thoughts. 

I am not a doctor or a psychiatrist so I can't diagnose you and say you have OCD. I can only give my opinions based on my personal experience with OCD. I suggest you visit your doctor as he or she who be in a better position to evaluate your condition and then maybe refer you to a psychiatrist or a mental health professional for further treatment.

Take care

 

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