im panicking troughout the day!

[Ironborn]

Hello all,

where do i start?

i am gonna try and keep it short since i am really having a hard time here:

I have been having OCD, Depression and some serious anxiety for about 4 - 5 years now, and was put on meds for it about 2 years ago.
about 3 months ago i was in a pretty good state with a lot less obsessions so me and my psychiatrist decided to try an get off the meds, we did this over the course of about 6 - 8 weeks, and all went ok. yes i did got a bit more Intrusions and obsessions but trough some CBT and regular visits i managed.

But then about 2 weeks ago my wife told me she prob wants to divorce me, this gave me a lot of stress and right now, i feel like i am back where i was 3 years ago, my mind is racing and i am unable to see things in perspective, my OCD is gaining momentum and its even getting to the point that i am having sorts of panic attack throughout the day.

The obsession that is totally ruining me right now is one about my past, almost ALL my obsessions are about my past due to me having done 'bad' things, and me feeling like a monster for those things.

The obsessions right now is one that i got recently and is dating back tot 2008. Back in 2008 i went on a duty to Afghanistan, and while being there i have had some life treathing experiences as you may call it.

Me and others shared pictures that were taken during the duty in Afghanistan, and once i came back i noticed i liked the attention i got from people, so i showed a lot of people the images of all kinds of things. (even pictures of wounded and deceased people). i told them stories about those pictures as if it was me, some of those pictures actually were mine, but some were not.

Today i sat on the couch and was watching a movie with bradd pitt about the war in Afghanistan, and during a scene you could see a deceased child. and that was the ultimate trigger to me, I started thinking and thinking and feeling really bad, i told the people i was visiting that i had to go home because i had stuff to do, but all i wanted was to flee the situation and especially the movie that was on the television. While getting back home (on my bicycle) the obsession started manifesting itself and once i got back home i was convinced that someone who lies about those kinds of things just to get attention is not worth of living. This really scares me, i want to live! but i am in so much panic right now that i don't know how to deal with it.

Since my wife has announced she wants to prob divorce me i have been going downhill hard, a friend of mine asked me if i was interested in going to Sri-lanka with him this Saturday for about a week and a half, and i said yes, just to be away from all of this. the flight tickets already are booked and i am very much looking forward to it.
Ive been seeing my psychiatrist today aswell and she has prescribed me some Seroquel for the time being, an once i get back from sri-lanka were are planning to restart the SSRI that i had stopped taking about 3 - 4 months ago.


Sidenote: when i was younger i used to lie about almost everything, mainly because i learned it out of self defense because my mother was a alcoholic and i had to lie to not make her angry, later on in life i figured that lying made people like me, until i met my wife and after a couple of years i went into severe depression and got OCD and i never thought i was going to say this, but the OCD has cured me from my pathological lies. that is the one and only thing i am great full to towards my OCD freeing me from my lies, but one the other hand it is trying to get me almost killed using those lies against me and trying to tell me i am not worth of life for having lied so much.

Edited June 7, 2017 by Ironborn

[photog13]

Hi Ironborn,

I'm sorry you've been having a hard time.  Have you spoken to your psychiatrist about what's going on recently?  How have you been doing this week?