Don't feel strong enough..

[Zazoo]

I'm not sure what is happening, in my few short months of my OCD theme revolving around children I'm having one of my worst relapses yet.  I'm incredibly depressed, anxious, full of bleak and dark thoughts, unable to believe in myself and suicidal to my core (or at least it feels like it). I just can't seem to believe/implement what I've learned from CBT or mindfulness.  Is it possible to purposely backlash against lessons learned when your in a mood like this?  I don't know what to do, I can barely cry because of my meds and feel worthless.  Its taking a lot to avoid doing something stupid.  I know I tend to repeat myself in my posts but this one has been scary bad and a friend had to talk me down today.  Its like I want people to agree with my feelings of being a horrible human being because of my thoughts so I have reason not to continue on or be a burden anymore.   

[PolarBear]

You have yet to embrace the fact that your thoughts are due to a mental disorder. It is not you that is generating these thoughts, though you are responsible for them continuing, which is due to you doing compulsions. The talk of horrible person comes from a mindset where you blame yourself for your wicked thoughts. That has to end. You should no more blame yourself than the millions if other OCD sufferers out there.