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Really struggling with obsessive thoughts about ending relationship- psychiatrist says I don't have OCD


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Hi everyone,

I have previously posted on here a few months ago, mainly discussing my obsessive and intrusive thoughts surrounding my relationship with my partner. I have obsessions over whether I find other people more attractive, whether I still find him sexually attractive, am more attracted to his friends, if I actually love him anymore at all. Recently, these obsessions have become far worse and I am really struggling most days over the past couple of weeks. I have been discharged from my psychiatrist, she diagnosed me as having mixed anxiety and depression disorder (which I knew anyway but I had a few helpful sessions with her as she listened to me and I tried some different medication for anxiety but I have come off it as it didn't work). 

We agreed that I don't need anymore medication, I don't want to take anymore medication as I have been on various anti-anxiety/anti-depressant drugs for nearly 10 years now and would eventually like to be able to live without them. I told my psychiatrist everything and she said I don't have OCD or Pure O, just OCD traits to my personality like most people do that manifest in different ways.

I am feeling very lost at the minute, I can have good hours in a day but most of the time when I am with my partner I feel extremely irritable, emotional and sensitive. I am over-analysing and ruminating over everything he does and says, I think to try and work out whether I still want to be with him or not. We are due to move house 1st July which I know is causing normal amounts of stress for me but I know when I am stressed, my obsessive thoughts are worse and I just feel exhausted and drained and lost.

I am currently doing an online course in OCD and have a telephone consultation once a week to review each module I do on it. I havent found it very helpful yet to be honest as most of it is regarding physical obsessions and compulsions around cleaning/germs etc so I am trying to relate the information it is giving me and adapt it to my mental obsessions etc.

I apologise for the long post, I could type for hours explaining the thoughts I have...has anyone had similar issues and how have you dealt with them? I can't work out whether I am challenging the obsessions as I should be to find evidence for them or whether I am just ruminating which is bad for me, I can't tell the difference. Has anyone seen a psychiatrist or psychologist who has stated they don't have OCD when you feel you do? Reading other posts on here, I feel as if I could have written some of them myself some of the obsessions and thoughts I have had in the past and now are so similar it's frightening and I feel so sad that anyone has to deal with this.

Thank you,

Draven1

 

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Yes, I have almost the exact same issues - I have many of the same thoughts as you, and weirdly we are moving house in the next few weeks too.

Yes, I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but not OCD. OCD is an anxiety disorder, and is on the spectrum of anxiety disorders.

In terms of what I'm doing:

  • Reading 'Break Free from OCD' (an excellent suggestion from Taurean)
  • Doing Sheryl Paul's 'Break Free from Relationship Anxiety' course. This is expensive, but I have found it useful
  • I have looked at a ROCD course on Udemy - to be honest, I haven't found it that useful as I feel I need some help to understand a lot of what is going on. I will probably return to it once I have a better understanding.
  • There is also a website, relationshipocd.com which has a blog, a book, and offers life coaching.

I hope this helps.

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Hi, your obsessions sounds similar to mine (read my thread), I have an appointment next week for an assessment. I can't work out if this particular obsession/issue I'm having is OCD or my real feeling, it's awful. I know I have lots of physical and magical thinking ocd issues also, so I'm thinking this is possibly OCD too but struggling to get confirmation.

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Thank you to both of your for your replies. InsideOut- thank you for the recommendations, I will definately be looking into the relationshipocd website and the recommended book. As I am currently doing the OCD online course, I won't be doing any other courses on top of that at the minute, but if it doesn't help me much, I will look into the courses you have listed. I am sorry you are both having similar obsessions and thoughts, it is so difficult. This is the worst my relationship OCD has been and the worse it gets of course the more I worry about whether it is real and I don't want to be with him anymore. Vickii, I hope your assessment goes well, good luck.

 

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3 minutes ago, seekingERPnorthwest said:

Just to say that NHS patients do have the right to a second opinion

Thank you seekingERPnorthwest, if the online OCD course doesnt give me much help, I will be asking to see another psychiatrist.

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6 minutes ago, seekingERPnorthwest said:

Just to say that NHS patients do have the right to a second opinion

Do you think there's an overall misconception around OCD in the NHS? When I was diagnosed at first, the criteria for OCD seemed to be based around physical compulsions - I was essentially told that if I didn't have any physical compulsions I didn't have OCD.

That's not to say that physical compulsions aren't part of OCD - just that compulsions aren't always visible.

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I do feel there is a misconception yes. I feel that 'Pure OCD' isn't very well understood at all. I know I don't just have depression and generalised anxiety, I know myself more than the psychiatrist does of course. To be completely honest, does it really matter if I get a diagnosis if I know I have OCD just by communicating with other sufferers? I am starting to think it doesn't matter what they say, especially if I don't want to go on anymore medication than what I am already on, what can a psychiatrist do for me anyway. I will be keeping in touch on here, I find it is probably THE most helpful thing when I am struggling, I just hope I can help others too by giving the best advice I can on other posts when I feel less drained so I can read more.

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41 minutes ago, Draven1 said:

 OCD traits to my personality like most people do

 

Just to say that I was diagnosed with OCD 8 years ago, and just this year I've been told (by a psychiatrist) that I've got obsessive compulsive personality disorder traits too.  They're different things, but I just wanted to mention the personality disorder in case it has any relevance for you

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Hi Draven1,

Welcome back to the forum. you may remember from last time you were on here  I have similar worries about my relationship and a crush on someone at work.  This has caused me an awful lot of distress to the point where my therapist decided we should look at this issue in more detail. We realised I was trapped in a cycle of ruminating about a person at work and that led to me to ask questions about what this meant for my own relationship. I was/ still due sometimes go off at tangents thinking about this woman at work about her life outside work, I have even noticed what type of car she drives and if i see a similar make and colour around town then I get stressed in case it's her. I once saw her outside work at the supermarket and felt scared. We came up with a homework exercise for me to notice when I was thinking about this person and to try and disengage from trying to answer the question and see if my anxiety and guilt and general well being could be improved by thinking less about the situation. 

The upshot is when I think about the whole situation less than I do feel calmer, I have stopped trying to answer the question of if I want to be with my wife still or this person (even though I have no idea if she likes me back, plus there is probably a big age gap, I am 38 and think she is early to mid twenties max). She has also been on holiday these last 2 weeks and I feel much better. The long winded point I am trying to get to is that if you can stop trying to answer your question about your relationship , stop ruminating and analysing every thing it can lead to a healthier state of mind. I know from experience this is easier said than done but am proof of it too. When this person returns to work I know my ruminating may go up but I am trying to get my thinking pattern improved as I know analysis does me no good at all. 

In regards to a diagnosis, you do have a right to a second opinion.  Did you do CBT with this person? I know it can be tailored to anxiety in general and not just OCD. Do you have access to a CBT therapist at all?

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Hi Avo,

Thank you very much for your reply, I do remember you from previous posts and discussions, thanks again for your support. It's very sad to hear you are still struggling with the situation you're in but happy to hear you are having more positive times and it sounds as if therapy is working well for you. I am trying to stop asking and answering the question of whether I still love him or not because as you say it's not getting me anywhere. I tell myself things always work out the way they are supposed to and I firmly believe in that so it's something real to hold on to. 

I think what is distressing me the most is that because my brain is so over analytical and my ocd phases seem more and more frequent and intense, I don't really know what are my true, real thoughts and feelings anymore and what is OCD. I've had poor appetite today and been crying on and off but have had good times in the day on my own,  with others at work and with my partner so all in all not an awful day. 

I'm scared that if these thoughts are real that I'm leading him on and should break up with him because it's so unfair on him and it they are OCD and not real, then I may be damaging the relationship with how I am at the minute. He is very understanding and patient, I'm finding it almost impossible to fully explain how I'm feeling at the moment but I know he knows I'm not ok and not feeling well. I don't feel I'm at the point where I need to make a decision on the relationship because I know I'm not myself and I can't make decisions based on my thinking when I'm not ok. I'm scared that the reason I'm not ok though is because of the idea that the thoughts may be  a realisation that I don't want to be with him anymore?

I have never had CBT, the service I am under offers online courses as a first point of call and then if I feel I need further support they can refer me for CBT.

apologies again for the long post. Thank you all so much for your support and reading.

All take care x

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9 hours ago, seekingERPnorthwest said:

Just to say that I was diagnosed with OCD 8 years ago, and just this year I've been told (by a psychiatrist) that I've got obsessive compulsive personality disorder traits too.  They're different things, but I just wanted to mention the personality disorder in case it has any relevance for you

Thank you for your post seekingERPnorthwest I did not realise that you could be separately diagnosed with the two so that is helpful. I just think having a diagnosis may help back up my coping mechanisms of 'knowing that it's OCD' rather than it might or might not be and that if it isn't I'm just a bad person or so conflicted all the time with a lot of things that it must be something else. I just feel it's so much more than generalised anxiety.

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It sounds like OCD. If what you're taking isn't CBT, you're wasting your money. CBT is it. 

Right now you're stuck in a situation where you are trying to determine if the thoughts are real and you don't love him or if they're OCD. Same place everyone with this theme gets to. If you are having intrusive thoughts that cause distress and lead to compulsions, you have OCD. Plain and simple. Any further analysis of your thoughts to determine the truth is a compulsion and needs to stop.

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I know exactly how you feel Draven1 in trying to answer my own questions around my relationship I have tried to figure out what is OCD and what is 'real' if you like. I have been torn apart by trying to figure it out, in someways it is the most troubling of my themes even more so than my 'am I attracted to children theme' as I know deep down I am not attracted to children but I am attracted to this person and I have quite a crush on them personality wise. I have probably and still do at times try and answer very similar questions as you are.

My relationship has been one of the few solid things in a turbulent few years for me and risking that causes me immense guilt and anxiety and brings me to the edge of tears at it's worst and an increase in my medication which I am still on.

I would recommend you having CBT in person if your not finding the online version that helpful, if you get with a good therapist it can make a big difference. You need to stop ruminating about your relationship, the more you analyse the more confused and doubtful you will feel. All I can say is that if you can think less about the situation the better and balanced you will feel. Make sure you push for one to one CBT.

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How do you know you do have a crush on this person at your work and it's not OCD making you feel like you do and planting it in your mind. That's what I'm trying to work out.

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I have been trying to work that out also, i have spent the equivalent of days and days asking myself this. On a 'normal' level i do find this person attractive and enjoy her company, i don't have this reaction with every women i speak to. I am quite awkward/shy around women if i am honest but find this person quite easy to speak to.

 You could well be right and it all be OCD. My rational side thinks it is a crush and that everyone experiences these types of events in life,(i have posted quite a lot over the weeks on this topic and that is the advice that has come back to me fro fellow forum users.)

  I suspect i have then given the thoughts more meaning then a non OCD sufferer and my OCD has hijacked it.  So as a non OCD sufferer would see it for what it is, a crush and let the thoughts go no further.  I am ruminating loads which is a major compulsion. What was initially a pleasant episode has become very disturbing to me. I once saw this person outside work and i experienced what i can only describe as fear.

When i am able to ruminate less about this person then i become calmer less anxious and guilty and life seems better. Guilt is a big factor as i worry what my wife would think. One of the big problems with OCD is that we strive for certainty and in doing so we make ourselves more uncertain. 

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Thinking back to people that I thought I might like and thinking about how my imagination went into overdrive thinking I might want to be with them, I actually don't think I really did actually like them, feel really confused what if any feeling are real.

Is it ok to have crushes? Should you tell your partners?  

Edited by Vickii
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My mind went into massive overdrive so I know how you feel, I have thought loads about potentially being with this other person if I over hear what she is doing over the weekend I can't help but think about it e.g if I hear she is going out I wonder what sort of time she is having, is she with boyfriend etc? what would I think if I bumped into her etc? I have thought of numerous scenarios.

From what I have learned and been told it is ok to have crushes, it is normal and natural everyone gets them. I don't think you should tell your partner he has quite probably met people he likes but if he does not have OCD then he will not be beating himself up over it. I am sure my wife will have too. Telling him would be a compulsion. We actually looked at my thought patterns on this and realised that if I perform the compulsion I am keeping the OCD theme going. If I resist the compulsion and tell myself 'its just a thought' and try and avoid ruminating over the situation  then my anxiety and guilt will eventually subside. Essentially we are experiencing natural emotions but cos we have OCD we are putting ourselves through agony where as anyone else would not think it a big deal.

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I understand what you're saying and it makes so much sense. I hope you continue to do well in your recovery from this awful condition, it's so frustrating and upsetting. 

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Thanks Vickii you too, I don't know if you have had CBT but it is considered the gold standard as far as OCD is concerned. If you can get some then do so. It varies on where you live but if you see your GP they should be able to tell you how it works where you live. Also the OCD UK website has some information on what is available in different parts of the country.  I would strongly recommend you looking into it.  These boards I have found very useful as well.

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The looping thoughts issue itself is not very well understood by even experienced OCD therapists, snow. But snowbear helped me greatly with it. I know I may have passed this on before, but here it is again.

Looping thoughts can come in occasional, moderate or continual form. I get the continual form and I think so may you. They just churn away in our mental chatter even when we try and switch focus to something else. The brain is locked into them. 

But we must leave them there, not connect with them - that's vital. 

I found, on my own, that if I tried doing two safe things at the same time, like cleaning plus listening to the radio, then that is good and can clear the lock and ease the looping.

Also I found writing, in particular writing something involved on the forum .may do it. something that really engages my brain and I enjoy. 

Snowy's method uses PEG (positive emotion generation) and love kindness meditation, with some mindfulness thrown in. OCD, especially the harm theme, utilises bad, negative  emotions. So we need to very gently, but wilfully, steer our mind to thinking of positive emotions - things we love - like your gardening, and exercising., and team that with love and kindness joy happiness - the positive emotions. Think of happy memories, plans for doing something happy. Then in a safe environment, explore those feelings and thoughts  gently breathing, maybe observing the breath.

As I said, we have to leave the looping thought just alone, but look to break the link with them in the gentle manner above.

it takes practice, but it works.

:king:

 

  . 

 

Edited by taurean
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Hi Draven, 

I somehow managed to post this response on your thread, when it is actually a response to snowdog's topic. 

I have now copied and pasted it onto her thread. 

But there may be guidance in there that will help you. 

It sounds like you are more ruminating than having repetitive thought loops (which snowdog and I experience)  and our theme is harm not relationship. 

But, bearing in mind  OCD works in a similar fashion whatever the theme, the information in there on distraction and not connecting with the thoughts may be helpful to you. 

Best wishes 

Roy 

Edited by taurean
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