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This fight to recovery is hard to keep up


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Hi guys.

I've had a brilliant month so far. I suffer from pure o with intrusive thoughts of a violent and sexual nature. I've been doing well with cutting out my compulsions such as rumination and checking the Internet.

However today I've had a really bad day. My Nan passed away a month ago and she was the mother figure in my life. I have been putting on a brave face for my family, however today it hit me a lot that I'm never going to see her again.

All of a sudden I had intrusive thoughts about harming my family in very violent ways. I remember when this got really bad before and it was the worst theme I've ever had. I've been working so hard with other themes I suffer from, doing ERP, mindfulness, and keeping busy by refocusing my attention. They dont seem to bother me any more and i can just shrug them off. However because I know the dark place I once was because of this particular theme, as family is the most important to me, I feel a little threatened as I don't want to go down that dark hole again. I've worked so hard to not let the other thoughts bother me.

I am doing better than I did. I went to visit two members of my family today so didnt avoid and have been out and about shopping.  However, I just feel like I am never going to fully recover from this thing with the way I'm feeling at the minute.  Today, because I've been grieving my Nan, I feel more sensitive and therefore weaker to change the response to these particular thoughts.

I know what I need to do and I've been putting it in practise. I've had therapy CBT but no medication. I actually got successfully discharged from therapy and was doing well, then a couple of weeks later I lost my Nan and another family member :( and I've never dealt with loss before then. I just feel like I've been doing so well for so long, and on the one day I've allowed myself to grieve for my Nan, OCD has come back with a vengeance. I will never stop trying. It just feels like my OCD is doing whatever it can to stick around in my life. However I must say I have no idea how people have got rid of this thing permanently. It is so tiring on days like this. I just feel maybe I'm viewing my goal as wrong? I don't want these thoughts to be here at all however I know it's not the thoughts it's the response to them. But when I feel down like this, and grieving for my lovely Nan, I can't help but feel too weak to put up a fight. 

 

I feel like I can't grieve for my two family members who I loved dearly because OCD will just stick it's claws in as per usual. I feel like I can never be in a bad/sad mood because of my OCD flare ups!

Edited by Lish
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I'm probably not the best person to offer advice as I'm learning myself but I wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss, it's clear your nan meant an awful lot to you.

You sound like you have previously been doing really well and that you know what you need to do with these thoughts. I have heard quite a few people say they have a fear of their old intrusive thoughts because they were the worst. Could it be possible that because they were the worst, maybe they leave a little mental scar that you can notice when feeling vunerable.

Vicki

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Triggers are the beast's tools to do it's work. 

With this theme we are dealing with OCD turning our true core values on their heads. So the intrusions that you are experiencing relate to this. 

You will know what your true core values are. Take comfort from that. They don't change. 

It's targeting your grieving - and that evokes revulsion in you, understandably. You want rid of those thoughts. 

But you need to leave them be. Just like leaving a car in a car park, just park them, don't connect with them - just know them to be OCD's thoughts, not yours. 

Bereavement can be a stressful time, and stress makes us that much more vulnerable to OCD. 

I have learned over the many years to consider that when a cherished family member passes away, it's simply the natural order amongst we mortals. The deceased person passes the family "baton" on within the family relay team, they have simply come to the end of their run. 

My wife and I have kept some cherished things to remember these persons by, but we also keep their memory alive by practising tje good things that they "preached". 

So they remain real for me, as cherished antecedents. And this comforts me, removes stress. 

N.b. I don't myself believe it helpful on this theme to consider it pure O - to me it's a myth, for the compulsions are mental in nature. 

 

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A couple of things. One bad day or two or three does not a relapse make. Everybody has good days and bad days and you have to accept the bad ones as just a blip. You go to sleep, you wake up and you come out swinging and off you go again.

Also, understand that stress makes OCD worse. You were grieving today. You were in a vulnerable state. A perfect time for OCD to stick it's claws in, as you say. That doesn't mean you can't be vulnerable in the future. It just means you have to be prepared for it and know that you have the power to not engage with the thoughts and focus on what is important to you at  the time (like grieving).

Chin up, it's only a bump in the road.

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Thank you very much everyone. You are all incredibly supportive people. I really needed to hear all your replies yesterday, it was a hard day.

I am feeling a lot better today. I think I forget that Im still going to have bad days sometimes, and that's ok, because sometimes I do have to allow myself to grieve for my losses, or be in a bad mood, or get upset or get annoyed!!! 

I do agree stress triggers it. I am moving house in a few weeks therefore am prepared to go over all my cbt notes in case of a spike. I was thinking of maybe writing down what all my triggers are for the future? Do you think this would be a good idea.

I do feel 70 percent recovered. I had 15 CBT sessions and I have read about 10 CBT and OCD books. I am very aware of how OCD works, my therapist even said she would love for me to get a degree to become a CBT Therapist because of how informed I am about it.

Its just so weird how you kind of forget all this on your bad days when you are vulnerable! 

I have been able to outsmart my ocd lately. Whatever it tells me to do, I go and do the opposite. It's just so weird trying to fill that gap that OCD once filled. You feel a tiny bit lost. A lot of people say they grieve their OCD. Not in a bad and sad way, but it's such a new world when you learn that you don't need to live by its rules any more!!!

Kind of like soooo what do I do now? Now I have some freedom back. Hopefully one day I will publish a book. As a writer myself, I would love to share my OCD story to help others.

Edited by Lish
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Guest Nikki79

Taurean  I'm so upset the last 24 hours I'm really in a bad way ? I'm plagued by the ERP that I avoided thinking about for so long and afraid something I thought of that day whilst doing implicates me to something to do with the niece or others but I can't remember. I feel like I'm torn apart and just want to give up now. I'm tired of the struggle

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