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Not coping at all-Plagued


Guest Nikki79

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Guest Nikki79

Please please help me I hate myself for how I am and I am so sorry to be such a burden on all you lovely people. I just am being plagued by what other thoughts I had when I did an ERP session with my Therapist and only ever thought on this for the first time yesterday. I was afraid not to but now I know what happened but now what other fears I had that day, or thoughts or maybe there is something there that I should be worried about. How else can I do this if I don't think but then I do and I don't get any answers. How do I walk away guiltless? When I feel so guilty.

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Hi Nikki, sorry to hear your struggling right now. To move forward you have to let it go, you have to learn to live and accept the uncertainty of never knowing and living with the doubts. All the ruminating in the world will never give you the answers you seek. 

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Hi Nikki, you have two options. I'm paraphrasing PolarBear here: 

1. You accept that it's OCD, acknowledge it and move on with your life.

2. You continue to ruminate for the next year, 5 years, 10 years without ever finding the answer you seek.

The choice is really yours. 

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Hi Nikki, the ruminating is keeping you stuck. It just adds belief and validity to our worries, which is a huge lie. The anxiety won't go straight away when you stop, but it can't stay at that level, it will come down, it always does when we stop fuelling the OCD. You need some distance from your compulsions.

You can do this! We all can! 

Sending you a big virtual hug. ?

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Guest Nikki79
7 minutes ago, californiadreaming said:

Hi Nikki, you have two options. I'm paraphrasing PolarBear here: 

1. You accept that it's OCD, acknowledge it and move on with your life.

2. You continue to ruminate for the next year, 5 years, 10 years without ever finding the answer you seek.

The choice is really yours. 

How do I live with the fear every day?

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Guest Nikki79
3 minutes ago, Emsie said:

Of course you are a good person. 

Is there someone you can get a real hug from? 

 

Ya I'm hoping my boyfriend isn't too sick of me with all this worry and does give me a hug when I see him later

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23 minutes ago, Nikki79 said:

How do I live with the fear every day?

Well, I'm trying not to reassure you here, but the fear simply isn't real. It's OCD BS (or rubbish as you folks in the UK like to say :;). Listen, I am just like you. There were/are times where I just want to crawl into a hole because I feel like an awful person.

Then, little by little, with the help of a therapist (by the way, are you seeing one?) I learned how to stop responding (mostly) to the false alarms in my brain. A thought comes in, I allow myself to sit with the anxiety and NOT look into the thought. You see, the rumination is giving importance to a false alarm. Each time I allowed myself to be anxious without ruminating, it would come back, but weaker and weaker each time. I used to go from 8 hours a day of rumination to about 1-2 now. 

You really have to stop trying to seek the answers, they're not there because it's not real. 

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Guest Nikki79
1 minute ago, californiadreaming said:

Well, I'm trying not to reassure you here, but the fear simply isn't real. It's OCD BS (or rubbish as you folks in the UK like to say :;). Listen, I am just like you. There were/are times where I just want to crawl into a hole because I feel like an awful person.

Then, little by little, with the help of a therapist (by the way, are you seeing one?) I learned how to stop responding (mostly) to the false alarms in my brain. A thought comes in, I allow myself to sit with the anxiety and NOT look into the thought. You see, the rumination is giving importance to a false alarm. Each time I allowed myself to be anxious without ruminating, it would come back, but weaker and weaker each time. I used to go from 8 hours a day of rumination to about 1-2 now. 

You really have to stop trying to seek the answers, they're not there because it's not real. 

Thanks for that post I just think I've forgotten how to handle all this stuff too you know. I like you did therapy etc but find myself back in this place. My Therapist first words when I relapsed was it's not real. What does that mean tho?

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That whatever your worrying about isn't true or will happen.  When my condition first came up a few months ago, it felt so real and so true that I believed wholeheartedly that I was going to do/become what I feared the most.  I now know its just OCD lying to me but when its been yelling at your for however long, its hard to disbelieve/ignore.  Relapses are going to happen and with time and help you'll be able to deal with them better and better but a little faith in yourself is also necessary to keep moving forward.  Its hard but its possible.    

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Nikki, we have been over this many times in the last few weeks. It's been laid out to you very simply. You know what to do. But you have to actually start doing it. As others have already pointed out here, and it has been pointed out many times elsewhere, you are stuck because if your compulsions, notably ruminating.

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Guest Nikki79
6 minutes ago, PolarBear said:

You're looking for reassurance. What will happen in the future, if you do everything and work hard, is you won't care about this stuff.

So what's my plan then? Today I was ready to die I'm motivated just with you guys love and support x The doubt is there but ya but haha

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