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My sexuality has completely disappeared (Merged Topics)


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This is going to be a bit of a long post.

Not got a clue what to say really bar I'm in a horrendous place atm. 

My self destructive self, alcohol, OCD and certain things in my life have taken its toll on me.

This January I got told by my girlfriend that she was pregnant. 

Certain things happened. We didn't communicate well, we argued and eventually she had an abortion in March. I was devastated.

Prior to this we had a good relationship bar me being an idiot when alcohol is involved. I lose control and want attention from the opposite sex. 

After the abortion, we argued a lot, all the time, I was to blame for it because of how bad I was for arguing, she said she couldn't bring a baby into this world knowing what we're like atm. I don't agree with that as we could've fixed things but fair enough.

Nearly three weeks ago I got hammered again, lost control, texting alsorts of women including an ex girlfriend from years ago which had a real bad hold over me after we split up. 

I know why I did it, I wanted attention like I said above. 

This has really hit me hard because the next morning I couldn't read the conversation as I was scared of what I said. I knew the gist of it, how I hope she's enjoying life etc.

But I was scared I told her I loved her. I hope I didn't, I guess I will never know now due to my cowardice. I text my ex a few days later saying sorry.

Not knowing what I said has really screwed me up. My OCD has got out of control, I'm numb to everything and my HOCD has even returned because of this.

A combination of 'has my ex still got a hold over me?' and the HOCD has really finished me off.

I am a mess. Stupid decisions, alcohol, total disrespect for myself and my girlfriend plus losing our baby in March has made this the worst year in my life.

I self harmed last Monday, went to the doctors this Monday and the doctor didn't even seem fazed by me self harming, just told me to come back in two weeks and he might up the dosage of my medication. Complete joke. 

I know I'm going to get criticism for my chaotic life but I needed to vent. 

I'm lost.

 

 

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This sounds really tough! It is a hard thing to go through, however you have been far too hard on yourself for too long. It is time to love yourself again.

You do need professional help, especially if you are self harming as a result of this. Are you based in the UK?

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Never got help for alcohol no, always just thought everyone else around the country gets hammered like I do and gets on with it the next day.

I do tend to self implode though.

I've never been great at loving myself, ever! But I have to at some point. And yeah I'm based in the North West.

 

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Maybe this needs to be addressed and you need to change some things. Would you agree? 

If you are in the UK you can get on to CBT therapy through the NHS. I would highly recommend it. It has changed my life.

Sounds like you would benefit greatly from this with your obsessive and also depressed nature.

And yes, it is time to love yourself. If you don't, then you can't love others. And what kind of life is that?

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I would suggest you need to be candid with yourself about the degree to which your issues are caused by alcohol. Do you believe that you have a drink problem? If so, that will need addressing (your GP is your first port of call) before you begin a structured course of therapy (the community mental health team won't treat you if you are misusing alcohol).

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I did CBT in 2011, that was when I was officially diagnosed with OCD.

I went to see a doctor this week, my girlfriend requested me to go. She knows I'm down but doesn't really know the reasons why. 

Going to see the doctor again after next week. 

I do agree about loving yourself, I've just never been good at it.

I genuinely don't know if I have a problem, I compare myself to other and I tell myself I'm just like everyone else but at the same time I know I can't be like this forever.

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I'm glad you're reaching out. 

Practising self love is hard but if you work at it it allows you to see life through a new lens.

Try making a positive data log if you can. It helped me loads during my recovery.

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Did you have a problem with self love too? 

I got back to playing football last night after nearly four weeks off so it's a start. Big part of my life tbf as all I seem to do is work. 

I will book another appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning.

Edited by robbiec87
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I had a massive problem with self love. And self forgiveness. 

I made a huge mistake and had something very traumatic happen to me, which sadly resulted in me losing all my self esteem and thinking I was worth nothing.  Not to mention I believed I was never going to be worthy of a happy life because I was a horrible person and even felt suicdial for a while. It was the most depressed I've ever been. This is where my OCD relapse started. However, I Knew I could not live my life in this way.

I got in touch with my doctor who put me through to a therpist in which I took up 15 CBT sessions before being dismissed from thetapy. I took the step to be kind to myself and become my own best friend. I didn't like the depressed person I had become so I did something about it. I had to love and forgive myself for past mistakes to live a happy life.

I am glad you are getting help. It is good that you're getting back in to sport. So important to have some me time especially when you feel like you work too much! I make sure I do this every day whether it's making myself a hot bubbly bath or going and treating myself to a new top.

 I am always here if you need to message. I have been through this.

 

Edited by Lish
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2 hours ago, Lish said:

I had a massive problem with self love. And self forgiveness. 

I made a huge mistake and had something very traumatic happen to me, which sadly resulted in me losing all my self esteem and thinking I was worth nothing.  Not to mention I believed I was never going to be worthy of a happy life because I was a horrible person and even felt suicdial for a while. It was the most depressed I've ever been. This is where my OCD relapse started. However, I Knew I could not live my life in this way.

I got in touch with my doctor who put me through to a therpist in which I took up 15 CBT sessions before being dismissed from thetapy. I took the step to be kind to myself and become my own best friend. I didn't like the depressed person I had become so I did something about it. I had to love and forgive myself for past mistakes to live a happy life.

I am glad you are getting help. It is good that you're getting back in to sport. So important to have some me time especially when you feel like you work too much! I make sure I do this every day whether it's making myself a hot bubbly bath or going and treating myself to a new top.

 I am always here if you need to message. I have been through this.

 

I'm going to inquire about CBT again when I next go to the doctors. I've never liked myself, it's weird. I accept it as well. And just self sabotage myself.

What you went through seems tough. Life seems like a constant struggle doesn't it? 

I will send you a message in bit, thanks for replying :) 

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Hi Robbie, I am really sorry to hear about the things that had happened to you. You have come to the right place. This forum has very good moderators with many years of experience dealing with OCD and most importantly, people who are kind and understanding. I used to drink quite a bit in the past. I quit due to health and religious reasons. Once I quit, I realised my mind became sharper and I coped better with daily stress and OCD in general. It is good you are considering getting professional help. OCD is as much of a matter of the mind as it is of the heart. 

I wish you well and success on your journey to get better.

 

3 hours ago, Lish said:

I took the step to be kind to myself and become my own best friend. I didn't like the depressed person I had become so I did something about it. I had to love and forgive myself for past mistakes to live a happy life.

What a wonderful statement, Lish. My recovery started when I had forgiven myself and left go of all the guilt which I had shackled myself to. The intense guilt clouded my mind and made it very difficult for me to be rational and mindful. I suffered 6 years of compulsive confessing and it was driving my half mad. I had to compulsively confess to ease the guilt and anxiety. Once I let go of the guilt and forgave myself, the urge to compulsively confess started to faded away.

Good on you Lish.

 

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1 hour ago, St Mike said:

 

 

What a wonderful statement, Lish. My recovery started when I had forgiven myself and left go of all the guilt which I had shackled myself to. The intense guilt clouded my mind and made it very difficult for me to be rational and mindful. I suffered 6 years of compulsive confessing and it was driving my half mad. I had to compulsively confess to ease the guilt and anxiety. Once I let go of the guilt and forgave myself, the urge to compulsively confess started to faded away.

Good on you Lish.

 

Thank you very much St Mike. Good on you yourself. It took me a long time to forgive myself as I believed the person it affected deserved more than I did. If I didn't forgive and start loving, I don't know where I'd be now.

I suffered from compulsive confessing for a while! It was a nightmare and almost ruined my relationship. I'm glad we have both moved past this and can both lead happier lives. I don't know how you managed 6 years of that kind of hell.

But yes, we must let go and move forward to becoming a better person for NOW.

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  • 3 months later...

I'm finally seeing a therapist (well kind of, it's a workshop but better than something) about this next Friday. 

More alcohol and OCD has effed me up. My girlfriend broke up with me (the one with our baby) due to me not helping myself. And to be honest, with what happened, I guess it had to end at some point. 

Now for some reason I weirdly can't get over texting my now ex ex still. It's weird, my brain has completely gone numb. I feel like she has a hold over me after years of not seeing her. My mind has gone insane over this. It's so odd. 

I tried explaining it to someone before and it got laughed off. I wish I was normal.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm single now. Why should I care about something I did in June which has no bearing on my life? Why is this making me suffer so much? This is a girl from years ago. It doesn't make any sense. 

- Also I've been off work because of depression for four weeks too because of another alcohol/OCD related incident. It's like I can't stop emotionally destroying myself. 

I'm due back in work on Monday night and the fear is unreal, I can't face it.

This year hasn't been the best of years.

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  • 2 months later...

Going on from a topic I made earlier this year.

Basically nothing has improved. I’m completely numb to women, I get headaches when I try to think ‘normally’. I haven’t forgiven myself for past events for what happened this year and keep thinking what if, it’s destroyed me.

I have gone through this particular theme before, in my early 20s. I somehow got over it but it took a long time and it isn’t as severe as it is now. 

To go through another battle against this at 30 is something I’d never thought I’d have to do again. I don’t know if I’ve got strength this time.

This year has been the worst year ever and I’ve had some bad years lol.

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  • Ashley changed the title to My sexuality has completely disappeared (Merged Topics)

Hi Robbie,

I have merged your two threads to make it easier for users to read the history.

Sorry life is tough. I think any problems we have in life are magnified significantly at this time of the year unfortunately.   Just to follow up on your previous posts, did you ever get individual therapy for the OCD? 

Is the alcohol consumption still significant?   In the other posts I think you were comparing yours against other peoples. I am not sure that is the right approach to be honest. The question you need to ask is more if your consumption is causing more harm than good. If it is, and you still can't stop, that is perhaps an important area you also need to address.

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2 minutes ago, Ashley said:

Hi Robbie,

I have merged your two threads to make it easier for users to read the history.

Sorry life is tough. I think any problems we have in life are magnified significantly at this time of the year unfortunately.   Just to follow up on your previous posts, did you ever get individual therapy for the OCD? 

Is the alcohol consumption still significant?   In the other posts I think you were comparing yours against other peoples. I am not sure that is the right approach to be honest. The question you need to ask is more if your consumption is causing more harm than good. If it is, and you still can't stop, that is perhaps an important area you also need to address.

No worries mate. 

Regarding CBT no I haven’t but my drinking has improved though. I’ve had a couple of mishaps but it’s getting better. The temptation is hard though as it makes you forget about your OCD, albeit only temporary.

I just don’t know why my sexuality would leave me after worrying about what I said to an ex girlfriend from years ago haha. It’s conpletely empty in my head. 

I genuinely can’t describe it, feels like I’ve been cursed.

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You are not cursed and you need help to work through past events and your OCD. Therapy is a truly wonderful thing. Even the therapy I have had that hadn't dealt with my OCD has still helped me in some way. It hasn't been wasted. Think then what the right kind of help could do for you?

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  • 4 weeks later...

I had a meltdown this weekend. 

I have been off work sick for 9 weeks. I've been full of self loathing and came to a point where I left a voice message to my ex explaining what happened. All my thoughts about texting the ex ex and triggering my OCD. Nothing, we have not been together for four months now so she has probably moved on. At least she (might) know why I pushed her away.

She was the only one who 'understood' my OCD until tonight though.

I have never told anyone else how severe my OCD is until I told my Mum before, I burst out crying and told her everything. 

She knew I had OCD but never understood it. I think she was quite stunned what thoughts I think about when I told her. 

I shown her articles on it etc. 

I felt a bit better doing it. She said she would help me get through this.

I don't know if I will ever get over last year, I don't know if I have the strength to get over this. Everything should be different now. I should be looking after a family with the woman I love/loved. 
But now I'm single, childless and have the worst bout of HOCD I've ever experienced. 

It's all my fault as well.

I don't know if I can fight anymore. I guess I will just have to ring therapy up tomorrow, I'm due a CBT session soon.

I don't know if telling my Mum will help as I've kept this bottled up for 7 months but we will see.

 

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  • 2 years later...

So it's been just over 2 and a half years since I posted this topic.

Nothing really much has changed. I just don't feel anything anymore. I haven't for a long time. It basically feels like I'm a zombie without being undead if that makes sense.

A terrible state to live under. This isn't living. I have lost my identity, my sexuality, my emotions and most importantly recently, I've lost my faith in God. I don't think that would happen to me ever but it has. 

Think a lot of things have come to a head. I'm 32, just came out of employment again. (Although tbf that was a seasonal job) Single, living with my Mum through constant mental torture. There isn't much of a way out.

I'm blessed to have a good friends but none of them know how bad I feel. Where could I start really? The best thing to do is to plod along because if I opened up to any of them, my mental health suddenly won't change. I've tried therapy before but unfortunately that doesn't offer a time machine.

For now I'm going to look for a new job. I'm also considering moving away from here completely, up Scotland or somewhere. I have some savings, maybe a change of scenery could do me good. Anything to feel 'normal' again.

Don't know what I'm saying here, just rambling. One thing that I do enjoy is playing football. It helps keep my thoughts away. But yeah, these last 2 and a half years have been tough and I've already buckled up for more struggling. I've got to be realistic. 

I would just like some hope, that really is all I want. A chance of being who I used to be.

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