Cry For Help!

[Oceanblue]

So as some of you who may have seen my previous posts may know I suffer from anxiety and depression perpetuated by intrusive thoughts that I may have harmed someone in my past. I have been struggling with this for well over a year now and at the moment I have just become so fatigued by it all that I actually couldn't face going into work today.  I just don't know where it's going to end. I'm so scared I'll never feel normal again. Also my CBT therapist is off now on 4 weeks holiday so I feel like I'm just in limbo. Last week it got so bad I actually contemplated taking a paracetamol overdose to get my brain to stop torturing me and silence for a while. I stopped myself of course because I can't hurt my fiance and family in that way. I just know I need help but don't know what else to do at this stage. If anybody else has been in a similiar situation or knows how best to get yourself out of it please help!

[Symps07]

Hi Oceanblue,

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way. I used to get thoughts involving children & that I might be a pedophile. I got to the stage, where I couldn't face going into work anymore & I ended up harming myself & having to go to the local infirmary to get looked at. I'd been going through my OCD for a few years & just about managing but then I had an affair with a married woman & thought she may be pregnant (Another OCD theme which heavily influenced my thoughts) & it was the straw that broke the camels back & it all got too much for me.

It sounds like you are ruminating a lot. Rumination is difficult (but not impossible) to stop. You can't stop the thoughts appearing in your head, but you can choose not to engage with them. Try to recognize them for what they are & don't allow your anxiety to push you into more fruitless engagement with them.

If you've been shown how to do exposure therapy, it may be worth trying this when you are home? Do what you feel comfortable with & go from there.

But remember, don't put to much pressure on yourself or be to hard on yourself. Everybody stumbles & you wouldn't expect someone who is learning to walk again to run around the block!

If you're family or friends no about your OCD, talk to the about it. Don't look for reassurance, but just tell them how you're feeling & make the understand that you need a bit of support at the moment.

Working your OCD is hard at times, so don't over do & try to relax, do something that relax's you or makes you happy & just take time out every once in a while. (Exercise is really useful!)

I hope this helps, & I hope you're feeling better soon!

Stay strong!

Symps

 

[Oceanblue]

Thank you for your reply Symps, I really appreciate it and I agree that  ruminating is something I struggle with greatly. Thanks again for taking time out to reply.

[Symps07]

2 hours ago, Oceanblue said:

Thank you for your reply Symps, I really appreciate it and I agree that  ruminating is something I struggle with greatly. Thanks again for taking time out to reply.

No worries. I hope you are feeling better ?

[Oceanblue]

Thanks Symps. I'm feeling a lot more positive but still struggling to carry the feelings of guilt and shame associated if there are any elements of truth to my intrusive thoughts. It's a never-ending battle in my mind but hopefully today I will win. Thanks again for your advice 

[Snowdog]

On 04/07/2017 at 08:08, Oceanblue said:

So as some of you who may have seen my previous posts may know I suffer from anxiety and depression perpetuated by intrusive thoughts that I may have harmed someone in my past. I have been struggling with this for well over a year now and at the moment I have just become so fatigued by it all that I actually couldn't face going into work today.  I just don't know where it's going to end. I'm so scared I'll never feel normal again. Also my CBT therapist is off now on 4 weeks holiday so I feel like I'm just in limbo. Last week it got so bad I actually contemplated taking a paracetamol overdose to get my brain to stop torturing me and silence for a while. I stopped myself of course because I can't hurt my fiance and family in that way. I just know I need help but don't know what else to do at this stage. If anybody else has been in a similiar situation or knows how best to get yourself out of it please help!

Hi there 

hope your ok this morning.. I just want to say I have the same sort of ocd theme not totally but a bit.I have intrusive thoughts of harming others now or did I do it in the pass... I can't really offer any advice right now has I'm going tho it myslef right now.. but just wanted you to know your not alone and keep going don't do nothing stupid ocd is not worth it.. it really isn't... just keep strong we all here if you get that alone again ok we can beat this ?

[Oceanblue]

Thank you so much snowdog. That means alot amd I hope you find the strength to get through this horrible illness too. We can beat it together and hopefully in the end up it will just serve to make us stronger! 

[Oceanblue]

Hi guys..just thought I'd check in. I'd been having a relatively positive day today and was actually starting to feel proud of myself for not engaging with the thoughts. However once I returned home I felt as if my cousin was being really off with me and I had actually done him a favour earlier in the day which I thought he may have at least mentioned. Que one of my original and most deeply entrenched intrusive thoughts that I may have caused him some kind of irreperable harm when we were children seeing as we grew up in the same house together and I was 3 years older. Once again my heart just sank to my stomach and the endless pit of fear and guilt ensued. I know I should resist it and try not to feel so affected by all these fear thoughts but when it instinctively produces such a sickening feeling it is hard not to react. What am I doing wrong? I have not ruminated today but am sorely tempted even though I know it will worsen my anxiety in the long term. Howevet I still feel ill and down as a result. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[PolarBear]

Stay the course. I'll bet you engaged with the thought that you might have hurt him. Instead you should be saying to yourself 'whatever', let it go and get your mind into important things.

Edited July 7, 2017 by PolarBear

[Snowdog]

On 05/07/2017 at 18:28, Oceanblue said:

Thank you so much snowdog. That means alot amd I hope you find the strength to get through this horrible illness too. We can beat it together and hopefully in the end up it will just serve to make us stronger! 

Thanks you to x

[taurean]

On 7/7/2017 at 02:57, PolarBear said:

Stay the course. I'll bet you engaged with the thought that you might have hurt him. Instead you should be saying to yourself 'whatever', let it go and get your mind into important things.

This really is a good approach. I too have harm OCD and my clinical psychologist B is herself a recoveree from harm OCD, making her suggestions to me even more valuable an insight into what to do.

She has a slight variation on this approach, which I like. It involves us just gently but firmly gaining the high ground over the OCD by thinking " Oh that's just my silly /stupid obsession " before getting involved in something happy positive and involved. 

It doesn't engage with the OCD. It's not a compulsion because it's not repeated - but it's a put-down to the OCD and gives us a big lift, plus some belief that we can stand up to it. 

And, of course, those harm intrusions really are stuff and nonsense. 

Edited July 8, 2017 by taurean

[Oceanblue]

Thank you both. Your advice is invaluable.

As I had stated earlier my therapist had suggested I actively record all the reasons/evidence for and against the thought which I did but with great distress resulting in still a great deal of uncertainty.

Reasons For = 1. Before contact with person I fear I may have hurt I had planned to go to dancing class but after I decided to just go home instead. At time I thought it was just cause I'd had a stressful day and just couldn't be bothered but now I'm not so sure.

2. (And this is what is paralyzing me with fear)  The lady connected to this person I was not on good terms. Also she asked person directly if they were ok whilst I was about to accompany them alone down the hallway to the canteen area. What if this had made me feel like I was a bad person or a threat. Or what if in some twisted way my sub-conscious wanted to get back at her so I harmed the other person in some kind of way to get back at her for being so nasty to me in the past??

3. What if I just gave in to what my OCD was telling me. That I am a bad person and I just went along with the evil thoughts in my head in auto-pilot mode without even realising?

Reasons Against = 1. Despite months of constant ruminating I do not have any specific memory of ang wrong-doing just constant what if's and fear images.

2.The thoughts did not occur to me until almost 2 months later when lady connected with person I now fear I may have harmed totally blanked me after I said hello. Surely if this had happened it would have occured to me long before then? Although at the time I had been  hung up on another worrying false memory so maybe that why it didn't come into my mindspace until much later. 

3. I have suffered with many previous intrusive thoughts of a similar theme which I now know to be completely untrue.

4. These thoughts are a known symptom of an anxiety disorder that I have been diagnosed with.

5. I have been completely open and honest with several mental health professionals about these fears and they have all said that they are just thoughts and not based on any reality.

 

What would you do/believe based on this summary?

I apologise for the massive ramble but just really feel like I need some informed guidance at the moment.

[Guest Nikki79]

I'm not sure I can offer mich advice as in the throws of something similar at the moment not just want to send you love and support at this time. I know the heartbreak this stuff causes X

[Oceanblue]

Thank you so much Nikki. And I hope you start to feel better too. It was so nice of you to reply to my post while you're in distress yourself. It's a horrible journey but there has to be light at the end of the tunnel!

Can anyone else offer me any impartial and informed advice seeing as I just basically poured my heart and mind out in last post? I just feel so lost and unsure of everything! ?

[Metal-leopard]

Hey I'm totally new to this and I entered this thread obsessively as I've been struggling with numbers and obsessive counting etc. But I found this thread really helpful, I hold on to fears of precious behaviours that I didn't do but somehow convince myself I did... all I can say is that your for and against list looked really useful to me, I hope to try it myself in the future. When I found out that these thoughts were a part of my disorder I was so relieved - I grew up thinking I was evil because every time I saw something that could be a weapon my Brian would be bombarded by obsessive thoughts of scary things - as if specifically designed to frighten myself. Anyway I just wanted to say thank you for sharing - the beauty of sharing pain is you never know who you're helping  thanks 

[Oceanblue]

Thank you Metal Leopard. I'm glad my post has done something positive and I hope you feel better soon! 

[Metal-leopard]

hope you're feeling better too! just realised my post has some comedy typos Brian instead of brain lol  still struggling with this number but doing some small exposures and its helping...