Is this the lowest i can go?

[Ironborn]

Hello all. 

After going back and forth with my wife for a while now she decided to end our relationship 4 days ago, this sent me into a total anxiety mode. 

Last thursday i was sitting at home alone, and begun getting suicidal thoughts. And i was lucky that my father in law called me at that moment to talk me over into getting hospitalized. 

I agreed and i was taken into the military psychological clinic the same day. 

That is where i am right now, i feel like i can not sink any deeper. Im in my 2nd week of zoloft (which i had quit 6 months ago) and today ive been having a really bad day. 

Ive convinced myself i am a rapist, because i started thinking about the last year when me and my wife had intercourse, Which was rare btw but those moments we did had intercourse i always noticed she was in some way not really present with her mind. 

I now understand why, because about a month ago she told me she has been seeing this other man for over a year now she met him in the train on her way to work. 

 

My mind is racing right now screaming to me i am a rapist, i always have been the one to initiate the intercourse, and i also noticed alot of times she was sort of off. I did confront her about it once, and tried not to initiate first anymore but that took to long so i began initiating the intercourse again. 

One time she even cried during the intercourse. (probably because she was thinking aboht the other dude). But i am telling myself i raped her. 

Even tough most of the time after i initiated it, she was almost always the one to say (come put the  rubber on). 

 

What can i do now? 

There is no family or friends where i am right now only psychological (nurses) because its weekend. 

I want to call my wife and ask her about it if she thinks i raped her or not, but i know its feeding my ocd probably, and it will make it harder for me to get over this divorce if im gonna call her up. 

 

Help please i really need it!!!!!! 

Edited July 15, 2017 by Ironborn

[BelAnna]

I'm so sorry you're having such an incredibly rubbish time at the moment. 

Thinking of you. 

Definitely don't phone your wife to ask for reassurance, that's a really bad idea and you will only need to ask again 30 minutes later (I should know, I ask for reassurance a lot and it never helps!). 

I hope things improve from now on. 

PS. massive well done for going to hospital to get treatment, life will get better in time even though it stinks just now.