I don't know how to sort my life out

[BelAnna]

A minute ago I decided to look through some old posts that I had written on the forum years ago (as Annabel from 2010-2015 and from 2008 until 2010 under another name) when I was hopeful for the future and at times when it just seemed as though I would have a normal life despite having severe OCD. Now I'm 29 and I have a completely pointless life and feel as though I am living outside of normal society. When I imagined my life at 29 when I was 20 I would have imagined that I'd have two degrees, a good career, a husband and a baby or two. I have none of these things and I am losing hope that I ever will. Incidentally I also noticed that I was much more articulate when I was younger and now I find it hard to form a sentence. 

I do not know how to improve things. Some things about my life are good (I have nice parents, get on well with my brothers and own a lovely bouncy 1 year old dog) but I want to feel hopeful for the future again. 

I don't know why I'm writing this really.

[HDC]

Hello 

You sound articulate to me that was very eloquently written. I hope you're not having too hard a time, but if are, perhaps reach out to someone, there are plenty of people who want to help you see a purpose to your life hope this helped a bit xxxx

[PAVLIS97]

Your life belongs to no one but you, and so does the future.

It's in the palm of your hands. Do you want 2 degrees? Go study. Do you want to raise children? Go have|adopt them. 

Expectations are ruthless, they tend to live up our own expectations. However, if you really work on your hopes and dreams, you may achieve them at some degree!

You are still young, and as the saying goes: "don't dream your live, live your dreams"

Take care?

Edited August 3, 2017 by PAVLIS97
Grammar mistake

[BelAnna]

Thanks HDC! I'm not suicidal but I do feel like a bit of a waste of space and a disappointment (to myself as much as anyone else!). My family all have their own significant stresses and I'm waiting for more help from a Clinical Psychologist but I'm a bit lost just now and feel very unwell mentally. How are you?

Thanks Pav for such a positive message. Unfortunately there are some obstacles in the way of each of those things at the moment, for example I would like a BSc and a Masters degree but my OCD and Social Anxiety are so severe that I had to make the decision to leave my degree course (which was at a very well respected/highly ranked Uni). I do want to have children BUT I would like to have them with a man I love and not only have I not dated for years but my Social Anxiety is so severe I hardly leave my house (!) and I would neither be able to cope alone nor would I be approved as an adopter when suffering quite severe mental ill-health. I would love to have a good career but I have not even got a job so I do not see how that would I happen. I really hope I can look back on this post when I'm in my late thirties and reflect on how my life has improved but I cannot help imagine quite a bleak future at the moment! How are you?

Edited August 3, 2017 by BelAnna

[Zazoo]

As a person in their late thirties, on the verge of 40 years old, I'm single, not currently able to work, not wanting to go back to the job I have, looking at retraining for a career I'd like and dealing with elderly parents.  My future looks bleak and is not at all what I imagined it would be when I think back ten or so years.  But at least I'm starting to deal with my OCD, not having bad suicidal thoughts anymore and realize that something positive will happen, just not sure when or how.  I still feel incredibly lost but at least I'm starting to see a possible path out of the woods.    

[BelAnna]

9 hours ago, Zazoo said:

As a person in their late thirties, on the verge of 40 years old, I'm single, not currently able to work, not wanting to go back to the job I have, looking at retraining for a career I'd like and dealing with elderly parents.  My future looks bleak and is not at all what I imagined it would be when I think back ten or so years.  But at least I'm starting to deal with my OCD, not having bad suicidal thoughts anymore and realize that something positive will happen, just not sure when or how.  I still feel incredibly lost but at least I'm starting to see a possible path out of the woods.    

I'm sorry to hear about everything you have to deal with Zazoo, it sounds a lot to cope with but it also sounds like you are very strong and are going to find the next steps towards having better future. Hope things go well for you from now on.

[HDC]

I hope you find something to throw yourself into that builds your confidence and helps you find that excitement and inspiration in life!! And I'm not too bad thank you, just general anxiety and OCD trying to bring down everything I love in life, but I'm willing to stay positive and learn what I can in therapy to react as positively as I need to to thoughts that come and go it's hard not to worry or question but I'm managing! Holiday in 4 days so! Something to look forward to! Thank you!!!

[Lynz]

BelAnna I think we all have expectations of what our lives will be like in 10 years time or so when we were younger but for most people life doesn't happen like that. I'm 29 and when I was 19 I was studying for my first degree in History in Liverpool which is where I'm from. My life was all planned out - I was into drama at the time so I'd planned on going to drama school after I finished my degree and moving to London with my new boyfriend. If you'd asked me where I saw my life by the time I was 29 I would have said I'd be a professional actress working in theatres and I'd be married and own my own home. That couldn't be further from the truth! I finished my degree but ended up spending the next five years or so with bad mental health that took me from one job to the next because I'd quit them all after a few months, I lived on benefits for 2 years and it's only now that I'm starting to get my life sorted. I moved to Manchester last year, not London. I'm still with the same boyfriend but we're not married as that is something my anxiety and OCD focuses on. I'm training to be a nurse now but I still don't have any money. I live in a student flat not dissimilar to the ones I lived in 10 years ago and I will probably never be able to afford my own home. So I wouldn't worry about life not turning out like you planned because it hardly ever does. Instead you just have to work with what you've got and do your best to make changes that will help you to get better .

[Lynz]

Also if your anxiety is an obstacle to studying have you considered the Open University? It's all distance learning that you do at home, or in a cafe/library etc. if you want. I did some courses with them a few years ago and one quite recently and they're amazing. Some of my online course friends have just finished their degrees and their qualifications are highly sought after because studying for a degree via distance learning looks better to employers because it shows you are mature and disciplined. You can get student loans for them like ordinary degrees too, and you can even do masters and PhD qualifications.

I've just checked the enrolment deadlines for this October and you have until the 14th September to enrol so you won't have to wait a whole year or anything like that to start a degree.

Edited August 4, 2017 by Lynz